frozeninside

These memories just came back to me after many years...strange

I guess it all started when I was 9 or 10. I heard voices in my head telling me, "I wish mom was dead, kill mom, I want her to die." Whenever I saw the image of a casket, a cemetery, a funeral, I instantly associated it with one of my family members, mostly my mom.

I had rituals: I made myself tap the window before anyone managed to pull out of the driveway, otherwise the person would get into a crash and die. The same thing occured with tapping the sink before anyone walked out the door. If I didn't color a picture for my mom every weekend before she went to work (she was a nurse), something horrible would happen to her.

I used to watch tv and pick out one word or phrase that would gallop around in my head for days.

I used to think people could read my mind and that news anchors were watching me.

I never told anyone. I thought I was possessed by the devil and I guess I just prayed and prayed for God to perform an exorcism or something, because eventually it all stopped.

Years later, my perfectionism and shyness turned into full blown anxiety and depression, and now I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, and obsessive thinking. I'll add that I had my thyroid removed at age 18 (I'm 20 now) and my parents use the thyroid as the source of any and all of my mental issues. But, knowing what I know about my past, I just can't help but think it's not my thyroid. I just want someone to agree with me. I have been fighting my parents for years and it is really causing me so much pain. I'm tired of having to prove myself. They're in denial of my depression and hate all of my therapists and psychiatrists. I'm just trying to get better. Is anyone out there on my side? I don't know what to do.