Hi! I am new to this board, and pretty new to OCD, well not actually new to it, but new to learning about it. I always have thought OCD was people who washed all the time, or who were very neat and clean, or who checked constantly.
Anyways, I have been having a lot of problems with anxiety and depression again, and accidently came across some info. on OCD, while researching anxiety. I was so relieved. I have been suffering from horrible violent and sexual obsessive thoughts for atleast 3-4 years (can't remember exactly when they started), and thought I was going crazy, or that I was a horrible person or something. I couldn't talk to anyone about them, and tried to pretend everything was fine. My mom had a few people in her family who were sexually abusive (I was never abused, never even met them), and for awhile I was convinced that this was hereditary and that I had these thoughts because of it--that was really scary. After I came across info. on OCD i've become obsessed with learning as much as I can, I spend hours researching on the computer, and reading books.
I have not actually been formaly diagnosed, but I do plan on going to see a psychiatrist sometime in the near future. Right now just knowing there is a name for this has caused so much relief. Is it normal to start this so late? I am almost 24, so it probably started when I was about 20.
Anyways, I am still having a hard time talking about this to anyone. I did tell my mom that I think I have it, but could not really tell her the thoughts I have. I did give her the book Imp of the Mind to read, so hopefully it will give her some understanding, and examples.
I am also scared to talk to a psychiatrist about this, am afraid. What if they tell me that OCD is not what is wrong? Then I would truly be just a horrible person. What if they lock me up, take my child away...Although I think I could tell a doctor that I have bad obsessive thoughts, I don't think I could actually go into detail about them, so how could they properly diagnose me?
Are there support groups for this? I think if I could talk to people who have been through this, I might be able to go into detail and tell my story, then hopefully this would help me to then be able to see a Psychiatrist and talk to them. If there are support groups, how do you find them?
These thoughts are NOT thoughts I want to have, and they cause me so much anxiety (actually I think it may be why I'm having problems with anxiety/panic again after not suffering from it in atleast 6yrs).
If anyone could help, it would be great. Especially if anyone knows about support groups. I live in Toledo OH, but i'm sure nobody else does (hey, ya never know!), but if someone knows an 800 # or a website on groups let me know.
Sorry, I don't have any info that you were looking for, but I wanted to welcome you. This is a great board. I learned a lot here and am still learning. I am sure someone will have some good advice or anwers for you.
Hi Cecelia. I too started have the obsessive thoughts during my first pregnancy. It was horrible. I felt my life was over. I was also 20 when it started. I am 29 and still here. You are not a horrible person in fact you are a great person. A crazy person would not care of the thoughts they were having or not feel guilt. These obsessions are a struggle for me and I get so mad at them because I know they are not me as you know they are not you. Don't get discouraged. Be sure you trust who you talk to about it. There are ignorant people out there that wouldn't understand and judge you. I don't want to be negative but I have been judged for mine. I used to hate the people I told that I thought I trusted.. but now I pity them for their ignorance. I remember when I found out their was a name for intrusive thoughts. It felt like a big weight lifted off my chest. Go see a psychiatrist as soon as you feel you are ready. The sooner the better. I say the sooner the better because I let mine go for 7 years and ended up in a stress center because I wouldn't talk about it. ( I'm not locked up) Your psychiatrist will start you on meds to see what will work with you and he will keep working with you until something eases the obsessions. I will tell you they won't go away completly but you will learn to let them pass through your mind a lot quicker. You will learn to not let the thoughts control your everyday life. You will gain control of them. You will even learn to laugh at them. I know that doesn't seem possible right now but it is. When you get your meds take them right. When you feel better don't think...oh I am better I don't need them anymore. That is what I have done and I am back to square one...even though I know everything that is happening to me. I wish I was in remission still so I could give you more uplifting advise because I was so great at it. I will tell you this...take care of this so it doesn't control you anymore. You take control.
With lots of care
You said you were pregnant when the thoughts started. It seem that's when they started with me too. Did you ever have obsessive bad thoughts about your baby, during pregnancy, or after your baby was born? These thoughts are the worst for me. My son is now 3, and many thoughts are concerning him. I love him more then anyone in the world, so it makes it so much harder. I've had both sexual and violent thoughts about him, even before he was born. It makes me feel like a horrible mother, because these thoughts sicken me, and I hate them. I would never do this, EVER! I would kill myself first. But I don't want to hurt him at all, I feel no desire to hurt him at all, and it horrifies me. I have thoughts about other people to, but when they are about my son they are worse because I love him the most. In the book the Imp of The Mind, it says if you do not feel pleasure from these thoughts, then you do not have to worry that it is really you....do you think this is true? I definitely do not feel pleasure at all, quite the opposite.
Also, I have had fear that I might hurt someone in my sleep. This doesn't ever happen right? I watched a movie on lifetime about a man who killed his mother in law in his sleep. Every since then I have been scared that this will happen to me. Before I go to bed, I make sure all sharp objects are put away, where I will not see them if I happen to sleepwalk (as far as I know, I don't even sleepwalk!). I also "hide" plastic bags, and other things, just in case. Is this normal?
I really do plan on seeing someone soon, just trying to build up the courage. Lately I have been "self medicating" with alcohol, I know it is only a quick fix though, and although I feel better when drinking, I will not feel better for long. I do not have problems with taking meds, I have been on meds for anxiety and depression, and they really help (as long as I do not read side effects, then anxiety comes in, and I get too scared to take it).
Thanks for your reply. I thought I was the only one still awake lol! Really it makes me feel so much better to hear with someone with similar problems, thanks!
Last edited by Cecelia117; 10-31-2005 at 11:55 PM.
Hey, I know what you are going, through. I don't have the same type of OCD, but I know what it's like to feel alone and not able to talk to anyone about it.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here, usually floating around the boards...
Thanks Smichelle, for responding, even if you do not feel the same problems. I feel so lonlely, like I am the only one. I do not know anyone with the same problems as mine. This OCD thing is worse then both the depression and anxiety that I am experiencing now, and have experienced in the past. I will probably be on here often, although more lurking then posting.
[[[[[ REMOVED - PLEASE READ AND FOLLOW THE POSTING RULES ]]]]]
Thanks, I feel so alone, lonely.
Last edited by moderator2; 11-01-2005 at 05:41 PM.
Reason: please read and follow the posting rules - anonymous on*the*board* sharing ONLY
I understand you completely. I started having the violent thoughts when my son was 2. (now age 5) I have had them ever since. And, have had two more children. Mine always got worse during each pregnancy and after baby was born. It is extremely scary. But, you are not a horrible mother. You do not need to be locked up. It makes you feel crazy, so you are not crazy. I have read the book you are referring to. It is a wonderful book. If things get tough, read through chapters of it again. Every day if you need to. I will tell you a little about my thoughts. I have thoughts that I will just snap and kill them. I have thoughts that I don't even love them. I have thoughts about being "one" of those moms you hear about on the news. I have thoughts that I would not miss them if they were gone. I have thoughts that I will get so mad at them that I will beat them. I sometimes get back thoughts while bathing them, or driving in the car with them. Or, while putting them to bed. I also know what you mean about during the night, while you are sleeping. I have gone through that many times, and still do. Just went through it last night. I have classic ocd. You have classic ocd. Every question you have posted is a classic ocd question. Like, worrying that the dr. will tell you it's not ocd. It will get better. I take meds, luvox and effexor. I still have hard times, usually before period is a flare up time. Or, when I'm really stressed out, or have alot going on at one time. I still have days where I struggle with it, wondering if I'm really crazy this time. But, I can tell you that I feel worlds better than I did four years ago. I have good days, heck, good weeks at a time. Before it was hard to have a good hour. And, I also suffer from severe anxiety. Ocd loves to feed off of the anxiety. I want you to know that you will always have control over whatever the ocd throws at you. At times, you may not feel it, but your control is there. Ocd can be tricky, and try to make you believe or feel things that are not the "true" you. But, it will not win. In your heart, the true you is always there. I hope I have helped you. I know where you are, and it breaks my heart. I wish no one else would have to battle this the way that I have. But, you will be alright. I know you will. Write on this thread any time, and I will write back. I usually check here every day. And, no question is wrong, so you can ask me anything. I will try to help you.
Same here, I will always reply when you post cecelia. All the obsessions you have mentioned I have had and even more. It so good that you could talk about it at such a young age. I am so proud of you. Its nice to know that their are so many mothers that have the same problem. That makes me feel better at night. Cecelia, try to stop the drinking and just get on the meds. I did the drinking thing for 2 years and I always felt like crap. It does nothing for you but create a new disorder. (yuck) who want to go to AA and OCD support groups in the same week. J/k. Your a great mom cecelia and so are you ckjk5. We all need to stick together. I wished we all lived close, so we could meet and talk in person about this horrible isssue.
It's so nice to know there are other mothers out there with problems like this. Ckjk5, I also worry about ending up like one of those "moms on the news". Actually I no longer even watch the news or read the paper (except the comics and opinion pages), because when I read or see stories of parents killing or abusing their children, my thoughts become worse. I also am afaid I will just snap and hurt him, or someone else. For a long time I thought I would also hurt myself, still have this problem, but not so bad. I would have to keep sharp objects out of my sight, including my pens pencils, and sometimes I would sit on my hands in class because I had this thought that I was gonna snap and poke my eyes out! Is it just me, or do these thoughts seem to go by our worst fears?
I am on Effexor for anxiety, but just started it. Does it also help with OCD? I have only been on it for about 3 weeks, and it has not been helping me yet. I kinda don't like it much, but I'm giving it a chance, hoping it will help with anxiety.
Thanks both buterfly1975, and Ckjk5 for responding. It would be nice if we lived close, to talk in person. Wish I knew someone with this problem I could talk to. It feels better to talk, but I find it impossible to talk to someone who does not have the same problem.
I think tomorrow or the next day I will call around and see if there is a support group in my area. That will be my first step, then a psychiatrist. One thing at a time. Also, I know I should really stop drinking to feel better, but it actually seems to help somewhat, and it also helps me sleep at night. Ok, so stopping drinking (or atleast cutting down), will be 3rd on my list!
you had two more kids...BRAVO!!.. courage that i do not
i ditto everything you guys are saying.
btw, i have friends that have thoughts that they just
dismiss, so they understand, when people i tell don't have
it about their kids, i try to bring it down to something simpler,
like jumping from a bridge but not being suicidal, i ususally
get an "oh, yeah, i've had that"......same premise...they just
aren't giving the thought any credit. i have found that
when i put it this way i find more people with these "thoughts"
out of left field thing. try it.
what about "did you ever think, what would happen if
i put my finger in the toaster" ask your mom this one.