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Old 02-27-2006, 11:52 AM   #1
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mishkaaa HB User
intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

i keep having terrible thoughts of harming my family members - namely my mom, dad, and sister. sometimes even my boyfriend. these thoughts will come so randomly and they will upset me so much that i cannot concentrate on anything else.

has anyone ever gotten harming thoughts, and wondered - what if i really did this? am i going to do this? does this mean i want to do this? etc. i get so confused and it really gets me very depressed.

i would never want to hurt any members of my family, or anoyne else for that matter, and it kills me to have thoughts like these.

i am thinking on starting an anti depressant. i will be 18 in 2 weeks, i'm a female, and im currently seeing a psychologist. i want to talk to him about meds tomorrow when i see him. will meds help you think?

Last edited by mishkaaa; 02-27-2006 at 11:53 AM.

 
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Old 02-27-2006, 02:38 PM   #2
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Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

This is actually kind of normal. The important thing is to understand that although you have these thoughts, you would never actually harm them. As soon as you realize that, they are just stupid little thoughts. If this is the only problem you have with OCD I wouldnt be too worried. If you feel its really stressing you out, I would probably get meds.

Hope this is somewhat helpful...let me know how you feel

 
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Old 02-27-2006, 03:08 PM   #3
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Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyguy781
This is actually kind of normal. The important thing is to understand that although you have these thoughts, you would never actually harm them. As soon as you realize that, they are just stupid little thoughts. If this is the only problem you have with OCD I wouldnt be too worried. If you feel its really stressing you out, I would probably get meds.

Hope this is somewhat helpful...let me know how you feel

there was a point when my thoughts were out of control but i realized that they were just thoguhts. i'm having a hard time right now grasping the fact that they're just thoughts and it's just depressing me more.
are antidepressants used for OCD? I know zoloft is approved for OCD in kids up to 17 .. but i just don't know where to turn anymore.
i don't want to be on meds the rest of my life i'm going to be 18 years old.
i have so much to be happy for i played my 4th season on the varsity soccer team for my school i'm homecoming queen, on the outside i seem like i'm SUCH A HAPPY GIRL but inside i'm battling myself.
i have a lot ot be sad over - the main cause of my thoughts, i believe, is the recent deaths of my grandma and good friend who died @ the age of 16 from cancer, and my aunt and uncle are very sick right now with cancer.
hate this battle

 
Old 02-27-2006, 09:11 PM   #4
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Longing4MyMom HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Hi! I'm glad you found this board because it has helped me alot and I am dealing with very similar issues as well.

First off it is very typical for OCD to kick in around your age and start to become noticeable. It's like one day you are perfectly normal and the next you feel totally transformed into someone else. I hope that I can help you though because I know when mine first started (I was about 4 years older than you though) I was so confused and really thought I was going crazy and suffered for 4 years (LONG YEARS) before I told anyone. I felt so ashamed of the things I was thinking that I didn't tell anyone, my husband, my closest friend, nor would I dare tell a doctor at the time because I figured they would throw me in the ward.

Little did I know that OCD comes in many many forms, not just the stereotypical checking of locks, repetitive hand washing, etc. etc....OCD never really crossed my mine...I thought I was literally going crazy.

In my opinion Intrusive Thoughts/Obsessional Thoughts are the darker side of OCD only because they can go unnoticed and the person can live with the disorder secretly for unknown amounts of time (like I did). It literally was like acid eating holes through me but noone could see. I was screaming in my head but I dare not say anything to anyone.

Like you, my thoughts were of harming my family, but it was my own children. I was terrified. I didn't know if I had PPD or something else. I adore them and have never treated them less than anything short of God's Gift. I didn't know why my obsessions were geared towards them. Today I think it is because they are who I held dearest to my heart---I know kinda backwards but trust me there are plenty of people who have been mean to me that would much more deserve the mean thoughts more than my children. It's almost like a reverse psychology.

Like you I was scared that I may subconciously act on the thoughts and not realize it until after the fact. After all, I thought I was losing it. I mean, who has thoughts like that in the first place??? _RIGHT_ I was terrified when my husband went to sleep before me, I wanted him to change the locks from the inside to the outside so that I could lock myself in the room at night. I mean the thoughts got seriously carried away. It just about brings me to tears even thinking about it. I wouldn't watch ANYTHING crime related, fighting, boxing, forensics on TV. I would notice things, numbers, 666, 333, different things that would set off my compulsive thinking. I even at one point was convinced that my husband was slipping something in my drink or food that was causing me to go crazy. Just remember though I lived for four years trying to figure it out on my own without seeking help.

I also think I was sensitive to certain things I would see on TV. Like the women who would in fact harm their children. Seeing things like that would send me into emotional overdrive. I would wrack my brain trying to figure out what would cause someone to act out such a horrific thing and it would become something I would obsess over. I kinda know now to limit things I read and watch on television. I don't want to give my mind any reasons to go into overdrive.

What led me to telling my husband was finding an article about intrusive thoughts that just really hit home for me. I knew I was suffering from that or something very similar. I also asked my hubby to put up (hide) all the sharp objects in the house---since all my intrusive thoughts involved them and although very confused and worried about me he did. It was such a relief to finally have it out in the open. I could finally talk about it, and if I had a bad day, he would know what I meant.

He went with me to the doctor and was very supportive in me getting the help I needed. I now see a phych. once a month, a counselor every two weeks, and I take 200mg of zoloft a day.

It helps yes, are they totally gone? No! But they are much better. I notice they seem to increase when it gets close to that time of the month. Just be honest with your doc, try the meds, give them time to work, and if they aren't for you try another. It will all work out. Also make sure you take time to yourself for relaxing. Yoga, relaxed breathing, bubble baths, working out, anything that helps you relieve the stresses of your day.

If you wanna talk more let me know.

Cat

 
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Old 02-28-2006, 09:43 AM   #5
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Dogbone HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

You might try behavioral therapy before you take drugs. There is a good article by Dr. Phillipson on obssessive thoughts that you should read. It is one of the most recent papers I have found on OCD. You can google it under behavioral therapy for OCD. He talks about people with Pure "O", which is OCD without the physical rituals like hand washing but those who obssess in the mind. Also, one book that helped me greatly was, "Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals", by Ian Osborn. It will be a good start for you.
Hang in there. We all do. : )

 
Old 02-28-2006, 03:50 PM   #6
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mishkaaa HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Longing4MyMom
Hi! I'm glad you found this board because it has helped me alot and I am dealing with very similar issues as well.

First off it is very typical for OCD to kick in around your age and start to become noticeable. It's like one day you are perfectly normal and the next you feel totally transformed into someone else. I hope that I can help you though because I know when mine first started (I was about 4 years older than you though) I was so confused and really thought I was going crazy and suffered for 4 years (LONG YEARS) before I told anyone. I felt so ashamed of the things I was thinking that I didn't tell anyone, my husband, my closest friend, nor would I dare tell a doctor at the time because I figured they would throw me in the ward.

Little did I know that OCD comes in many many forms, not just the stereotypical checking of locks, repetitive hand washing, etc. etc....OCD never really crossed my mine...I thought I was literally going crazy.

In my opinion Intrusive Thoughts/Obsessional Thoughts are the darker side of OCD only because they can go unnoticed and the person can live with the disorder secretly for unknown amounts of time (like I did). It literally was like acid eating holes through me but noone could see. I was screaming in my head but I dare not say anything to anyone.

Like you, my thoughts were of harming my family, but it was my own children. I was terrified. I didn't know if I had PPD or something else. I adore them and have never treated them less than anything short of God's Gift. I didn't know why my obsessions were geared towards them. Today I think it is because they are who I held dearest to my heart---I know kinda backwards but trust me there are plenty of people who have been mean to me that would much more deserve the mean thoughts more than my children. It's almost like a reverse psychology.

Like you I was scared that I may subconciously act on the thoughts and not realize it until after the fact. After all, I thought I was losing it. I mean, who has thoughts like that in the first place??? _RIGHT_ I was terrified when my husband went to sleep before me, I wanted him to change the locks from the inside to the outside so that I could lock myself in the room at night. I mean the thoughts got seriously carried away. It just about brings me to tears even thinking about it. I wouldn't watch ANYTHING crime related, fighting, boxing, forensics on TV. I would notice things, numbers, 666, 333, different things that would set off my compulsive thinking. I even at one point was convinced that my husband was slipping something in my drink or food that was causing me to go crazy. Just remember though I lived for four years trying to figure it out on my own without seeking help.

I also think I was sensitive to certain things I would see on TV. Like the women who would in fact harm their children. Seeing things like that would send me into emotional overdrive. I would wrack my brain trying to figure out what would cause someone to act out such a horrific thing and it would become something I would obsess over. I kinda know now to limit things I read and watch on television. I don't want to give my mind any reasons to go into overdrive.

What led me to telling my husband was finding an article about intrusive thoughts that just really hit home for me. I knew I was suffering from that or something very similar. I also asked my hubby to put up (hide) all the sharp objects in the house---since all my intrusive thoughts involved them and although very confused and worried about me he did. It was such a relief to finally have it out in the open. I could finally talk about it, and if I had a bad day, he would know what I meant.

He went with me to the doctor and was very supportive in me getting the help I needed. I now see a phych. once a month, a counselor every two weeks, and I take 200mg of zoloft a day.

It helps yes, are they totally gone? No! But they are much better. I notice they seem to increase when it gets close to that time of the month. Just be honest with your doc, try the meds, give them time to work, and if they aren't for you try another. It will all work out. Also make sure you take time to yourself for relaxing. Yoga, relaxed breathing, bubble baths, working out, anything that helps you relieve the stresses of your day.

If you wanna talk more let me know.

Cat
your post really helped me a lot.
when you had your bad thoughts, do you ever worry that you will really act on them? and even think of the consequences if you did? thats what makes me think i'm a nut.
when you said that your violent thoughts included sharp objects, i could definitely relate that to me. it's always been like a sharp object of some sort included in my thoughts.
i am the type of person that is very "in-touch" with their bodies. i can note the smallest change, so when i started having these thoughts i kept them inside for a maximum of 3 days. then i had to tell someone, so i told my dad. i didn't give full detail, but i knew i needed help. i was scared as anything.
there are times when i really can't watch anything violent at all on TV because my thoughts get worse. lately, throughout the day the thoughts are constant and i have a constant bad feeling, and i can pinpoint exactly what triggers it.
your post helped a lot!

 
Old 03-01-2006, 10:35 PM   #7
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jon1970 HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

You need a good psychiatrist because he can prescribe medications whereas a psychologist can't. The psychiatrist will experiment with different meds over weeks at a time and see how you respond. I have heard that Fluvoxamine (Luvox) helps with your intrusive thoughts. I haven't heard of anyone suffering from these thoughts actually carrying them out, usually (and you probably do) have a compulsion that relieves the thoughts, like praying over and over to yourself, maybe taking a walk or a drive. Remember allot of people deal with these thoughts and no one even notices they have a problem. I wish you the best and may GOD BLESS.

 
Old 03-02-2006, 04:08 AM   #8
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mishkaaa HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by jon1970
You need a good psychiatrist because he can prescribe medications whereas a psychologist can't. The psychiatrist will experiment with different meds over weeks at a time and see how you respond. I have heard that Fluvoxamine (Luvox) helps with your intrusive thoughts. I haven't heard of anyone suffering from these thoughts actually carrying them out, usually (and you probably do) have a compulsion that relieves the thoughts, like praying over and over to yourself, maybe taking a walk or a drive. Remember allot of people deal with these thoughts and no one even notices they have a problem. I wish you the best and may GOD BLESS.
my doctor is a clinical psychologist -- he can prescribe meds. it gets so annoying at times to have this thoughts right now my doctor wants to see how i progress without meds. it sucks, but i trust his judgement.

Last edited by mishkaaa; 03-02-2006 at 04:08 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2006, 09:34 AM   #9
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Dogbone HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Mishkaaa:
I survived thirty-five years of terrible intrusive violent thoughts without therapy or medidation. I didn't know where to turn or what to do about it. It was daily tourture. I kept it all to myself until I was forty. Now I am overcoming a big part of my ocd by reading these threads, reading the ocd books that are out and starting behavioral therapy. I may try drugs too some day. My point is that in all that time I never acted on any of my tormenting thoughts. The thoughts started when I was six and I am fifty-three now. : )

 
Old 03-10-2006, 03:07 PM   #10
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Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogbone
Mishkaaa:
I survived thirty-five years of terrible intrusive violent thoughts without therapy or medidation. I didn't know where to turn or what to do about it. It was daily tourture. I kept it all to myself until I was forty. Now I am overcoming a big part of my ocd by reading these threads, reading the ocd books that are out and starting behavioral therapy. I may try drugs too some day. My point is that in all that time I never acted on any of my tormenting thoughts. The thoughts started when I was six and I am fifty-three now. : )

without too much detail, what were your thoughts about?
when you were younger, did you ever worry about how your life would be having to live with these thoughts?
i'm 18, and i dread the thought of having to live with this for that long
i've always been prone to anxiety. whenever someone close to me got ill and died, it was a wreck. my grandfather died in '98 of cancer that was my last true anxiety pop-up .. and my grandma died december 2004 from cancer. thats when it all started again, around january 05. my close friend died at the age of 16 of cancer in april 05 .. that broke my heart. since then, i've gradually come to be the mess that i am my aunt and uncle, who live across the street from me, are both very sick with cancer. my aunt was diagnosed sept 05 my uncle december 05. my uncle has about three months left. i feel that this is one of the main reasons for my anxiety right now they have always been like my second parents, and i worry so much for my cousins and what they will do if both of their parents die
needless to say, one of my main fears is getting cancer & dying. which has lead to all my intrusive, violent thoughts ugh.

Last edited by mishkaaa; 03-10-2006 at 03:08 PM.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 10:12 AM   #11
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Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Wow, that is alot to deal with in a short time mishkaaa. Hopefully you will get a break in the coming years from all the grief. One thing OCD seems to thrive on is any kind of stress or trauma. When you are stressed OCD grows like voracious blackberries sprigs tossed into an empty field.
My violent thoughts started when I was around six. I still remember the first one. I was standing in my room having a good time when I had this thought of going into the kitchen and stabbing my mom with a knife. I didn't understand why I had the thought and it made me sick to my stomach. Thankfully it went away. Sometime, months later I had a similar thought and went through the whole thing again. I began worrying "what if some day I can't stop thinking these thoughts and I become insane or hurt someone". It took about ten years before it became a reality for me. I was around 16 -18 when the OCD seem to take control. I never hurt anyone or "lost it" mentally but the thoughts were constant. My violent thoughts had no boundaries and were no fun. Whoever I was with would be targeted by these thoughts. If I wasn't stabbing someone or performing some bizzare sexual thing on them I might be watching their heads blow off. I could also be walking down the street having a conversation with a friend while at the same time I am fighting off an army of ailiens from some planet blowing them off nearby buildings with a laser cannon. (Maybe I am plagued by an overactive mind as well as OCD) Early on as a child I developed this thing where I was safe when I was in my neighborhood but outside of it I became a panicked wreck. I had extreame anxiety just going to the supermarket. By the time I got to the checkout stand I would stagger and almost pass out. What if they wanted me to give them change? What if I held up the line? What if I get into a confrontation with someone?
As alarming as this sounds I have had a good life. Sure I would have appreciated a little more peace of mind through the first forty years of my life but there was no help out there for me back then. In spite of my OCD I also laughed alot during those years and developed some great friends. You will not have to go through what I did mishkaaa. There is alot of help available for you to help you with OCD. I first started reading books on OCD about six years ago and I feel 80% better. That is huge. A guy like me could almost cry. I could never have imagined getting any control on my OCD years ago. All those years alone with my thoughts. Arrgh! I am starting behavioral therapy on my own now so I am hoping to get even better control on my intrusive thoughts which I now assume will always be with me.
One thing I will leave you with is that even with my "tormenting thoughts", I somehow managed to do whatever I wanted through it. I surfed almost everyday for thirty-five years, became a self employed artist, still live with my girlfriend/love of thirty years and I also compose/play music in a jazz/rock band.
I went from being voted, "most shy"= (most ocd) back in high school in 1971 to singing my own songs in front of a crowd of people in 2006.
You have your whole life ahead of you mishkaaa. You will make it a good one. Take care. : )

 
Old 03-11-2006, 04:14 PM   #12
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mishkaaa HB User
Re: intrusive violent thoughts really ruining my days :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogbone
Wow, that is alot to deal with in a short time mishkaaa. Hopefully you will get a break in the coming years from all the grief. One thing OCD seems to thrive on is any kind of stress or trauma. When you are stressed OCD grows like voracious blackberries sprigs tossed into an empty field.
My violent thoughts started when I was around six. I still remember the first one. I was standing in my room having a good time when I had this thought of going into the kitchen and stabbing my mom with a knife. I didn't understand why I had the thought and it made me sick to my stomach. Thankfully it went away. Sometime, months later I had a similar thought and went through the whole thing again. I began worrying "what if some day I can't stop thinking these thoughts and I become insane or hurt someone". It took about ten years before it became a reality for me. I was around 16 -18 when the OCD seem to take control. I never hurt anyone or "lost it" mentally but the thoughts were constant. My violent thoughts had no boundaries and were no fun. Whoever I was with would be targeted by these thoughts. If I wasn't stabbing someone or performing some bizzare sexual thing on them I might be watching their heads blow off. I could also be walking down the street having a conversation with a friend while at the same time I am fighting off an army of ailiens from some planet blowing them off nearby buildings with a laser cannon. (Maybe I am plagued by an overactive mind as well as OCD) Early on as a child I developed this thing where I was safe when I was in my neighborhood but outside of it I became a panicked wreck. I had extreame anxiety just going to the supermarket. By the time I got to the checkout stand I would stagger and almost pass out. What if they wanted me to give them change? What if I held up the line? What if I get into a confrontation with someone?
As alarming as this sounds I have had a good life. Sure I would have appreciated a little more peace of mind through the first forty years of my life but there was no help out there for me back then. In spite of my OCD I also laughed alot during those years and developed some great friends. You will not have to go through what I did mishkaaa. There is alot of help available for you to help you with OCD. I first started reading books on OCD about six years ago and I feel 80% better. That is huge. A guy like me could almost cry. I could never have imagined getting any control on my OCD years ago. All those years alone with my thoughts. Arrgh! I am starting behavioral therapy on my own now so I am hoping to get even better control on my intrusive thoughts which I now assume will always be with me.
One thing I will leave you with is that even with my "tormenting thoughts", I somehow managed to do whatever I wanted through it. I surfed almost everyday for thirty-five years, became a self employed artist, still live with my girlfriend/love of thirty years and I also compose/play music in a jazz/rock band.
I went from being voted, "most shy"= (most ocd) back in high school in 1971 to singing my own songs in front of a crowd of people in 2006.
You have your whole life ahead of you mishkaaa. You will make it a good one. Take care. : )
thank you for all of your kind words!

 
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