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Old 03-03-2006, 03:34 PM   #1
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ashley2232 HB User
worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

I know a lot of you may be thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I would just like to share something with those of you who think that you have a mental or emotional disorder and who think you need to be put on medications for the rest of your life and see counselors or psychiatrists just to have a normal life. I'm not a doctor and I don't have any kind of degree in psychology, but I have suffered from "numerous disorders" that I was literally diagnosed with time and time again. Before I offer what was MY antidote for this life-altering complication, which for those of you who really suffer from compulsive thoughts and habitual routines and who feel like prisoners of your own mind, you will know what I mean when I say it is life-altering.
Since I was a little girl I've always been afraid of everything. I would get a thought of something in my head and I would dwell on it for hours or days and even months until I was convinced that whatever I was thinking about would not be harmful to me. My condition would drive those I loved crazy from my repetitive questions and trying to have other people convince me that I wasn't sick or whatever it was at the time I was worried about. At about 12 years old. my mother, who was also depressive for many years and was also put on medications thought that seeing a doctor and being put on medications for my "chemical imbalance" would cure me. Being 12 and having a very controlling mother, I was convinced. I went through years of being put on Gabitril, Buspar, Zoloft...just to name a few.
Well years went by and I don't think I ever really had a normal adolescence-but I won't go into every detail and every obsession I went through.
My last phase was about 3 years ago, I was about 17 and I was heavily on crank. I was low on money and slept with the person who was dealing for me so I could get more. I am disgusted with myself as I type this, but to get the point across sometimes your own pains you need to deal with to help other people. I didn't know him very well, and after a few months I stopped doing drugs and got back together with my current husband. I became pregnant and when I had to get prenatal testing I was petrified to be tested for AIDS.
Months and months went by with agonizing fear of "what if" thinking. Although I used protection and was safe, I was thinking of every possible scenerio of why I could be infected. Finally, at about 6 months pregnant, for the sake of my baby I decided to get tested.
My test results came out negative. I was convinced and relieved that I was fine and would have a healthy baby. Then I started thinking of reasons why the test may have been wrong. I called back for my results many times thinking I heard the nurse wrong.
The rest of my pregnancy I was convinced I was going to deliver an HIV-infected child. After my son was born the thoughts didn't stop. My son was 2-months old and I got tested again. Again negative. I was again relieved for about a day when the thoughts started again. I became extremely depressed and was unable to feel love for my son because I thought he was sick and was going to die anyways. I researched every day on the internet about AIDS, looked up symptoms and actually started feeling sick. Every symptom my son would have was AIDS-related in my eyes. I was always asking his pediatrition if he was sick and I think they started thinking something was wrong with me. And there was, but I forced myself to stop asking them question in fear of them taking Brandon from me.
I was tested one more time about 1 year and a half after my exposure. Again it was negative. I didn't understand. I felt like the doctors were morons and no one understood. I was a horrible wife. My depression made me not care. I was a irresponsible mother and hardly ever cooked or cleaned the house. I was a walking zombie floating through life always worried and always thinking.
I've always believed in God. I remember being a child and being told by my mother and other people about Him. We would say grace at the dinner table and then my mother would complain about her day at work and there would be gossip. The Truth of God was never full understood or really explained to me. It's easy to say you believe in God, but meaning it is something else. I used to make fun of people who I would consider "Jesus Freaks" little did I know they were right all along. Jesus always talks in the Gospels about being persecuted for believing in him. I'm constantly patronized for sharing what I now believe and what literally saved my life.
God chose me and worked through me in a way that I only look at as proof of his existence. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS GOD. Even if you don't believe in Him, he's very real. The wonderful thing about opinions is that's were they stop. Opinions don't get rid of the truth.
I have family that lives in Missouri. My best friend and also my cousin lives there and she was persuading me to move there and get away from California. I went through months of something inside of me urging me to go and always made up excuses but finally went. I was there maybe a month and I still worried a lot about AIDS. My cousin Rebecca had just recently started reading the Bible and was trying to tell me about it. My thoughts were "oh great, now she's one of them" she told me to pray to God and to put all my worries in Him. I thought I'd prayed before what was it going to do now?
A night of desperation, I did pray. With all my heart I prayed and cried and then went to sleep. I awoke the next day with an unusual feeling of peace that I could only explain to Rebecca with tears. I started going to church with my family and every Sunday when the pastor would ask people to come give there lives to Jesus I would feel something inside of me pushing me but delayed until about 3 Sundays later I went up and and confessed I needed Him. I was baptized the next Sunday. I could not put down the Bible. This book that I'd attempted to read numerous times in my life actually became interesting to me. I started with the book of proverbs and it transformed me.
About 2 months later I was readiyo go home with my husband who could not believe the difference in me. I don't worry about AIDS anymore and I think it's sad to see when people suffer what I suffered and I want to let them know that this life is NOT all there is. There is something far greater and far wiser than anything our minds can comprehend.
I felt Gods blessing shower upon me and now I want to go and speak with the doctor I've had since childhood and who told I would need medications for the rest of my life and let her see me now. I think I'm one of the most level-headed people I know.
God can RELEASE you, he can let you go of your worries. How foolish is it to worry over things we have no control over. How sad is it to worry over a future we cannot predict?
God wants us to know these beautiful truths and he loves you so much that he speaks through other people to tell you this.
For those of you who do not believe in God because of this secular,materialistic society that we now live in, I was also kind of the same way. I have a vivid imagination but am also very skeptical. Trust me when I say please. There is a God. I pray for those who don't believe in Him. Reaching for temporary solutions for your problems (including meds and doctors) will only bring more heartache when they fail.
Please anyone who wishes to speak to me or tell me what you think I will come here as often as I can or you can e-mail me at [email]REMOVED[/email].
I couldn't thank God enough for saving me. He truly does have Amazing Grace. I'm so happy his timing is so wonderful that I can now enjoy my son and be the mother I know he wants and I know and pray he will direct and guide me to be.
I know this was a long letter and there's so much more I want to say, but thanks for taking time to read it and I hope you all can open your hearts and minds. If you can try everything else and not be satisfied, what will it hurt to try God? You won't be let down.





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Last edited by moderator2; 03-03-2006 at 09:14 PM. Reason: Please honor your membership agreement.

 
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Old 03-03-2006, 09:41 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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MrShannon HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

HI there Ashley. OMG, God completely spoke to me through you girl!!! I am soo glad I came to this board. I usually spend my time in the Anxiety board, and of course the HIV board, because I am OBSESSED with the thought of having HIV. I too have been tested for HIV 2 times in the past 3 years. It's been 5 years since my "possible" exposure, Both tests have came back negative. But I still can't seem to get past the fear and OCD thoughts about having it. I too have gotten all the symptoms that go along with HIV, the more I read about them on internet, the more I get them. I've been diagnosed with GAD and depression, I'm in therapy and on Zoloft. THe severity of the symptoms went away, but I still feel sick. I'm also a recovering Aloholic and Drug addict. I've been sober 5 1/2 years. I found God when I got sober. I'm in a 12 Steps For Christians recovery group that is helping me a ton. I love GOD, but for some reason, I can't seem to surrender to this particular obsession and really let it go and give it to him. The fact that I can't seem to do this has left me a little angry with him. It's taken away from my relationship with him. I've lost a little faith. Not too much faith, as I know how God works his wonders, ( in his time ) but I've lost some faith. I dont like it. Just reading your post has put a little spark back in my spiritual "eye" I have a little bit more hope now because of your post. It was exactly what Ive been waiting for him to say to me. I'm crying right now. (I can't believe I'm posting this) You're testimony touched my heart and gave me my hope back. I'd love to hear back from you... By the way, My name is Shannon, I'm a 30y old male. God Bless your heart.

 
Old 03-04-2006, 02:35 AM   #3
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Tyguy781 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

I read your entire post and I am very happy for you. Its good you got your life going again and dont have to deal with thoughts anymore.

Personally, I dont know what I believe in. I want to believe in God. I truly do. But over the years I have become a realist in a way. Im not saying that I dont belibe in anything, becuase I think there is something, but as far as OCD goes, I havent gotten any help from God so far. The only way I can make it through a day is with meds and helping myself. I agree, it is a waste of life, but theres nothing I can do but hope I get better.

I know this is kinda of an unorganized response, but I just wanted to let you know that im happy for you and good luck

 
Old 03-04-2006, 11:30 AM   #4
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ashley2232 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

Sorry that my post was so long. I'm happy for you Shannon that God's Grace made you see the truth. While I've also learned that our faith is tested, I also know that satan works harder on you when you start living for Gods truth. I don't know if you read the Bible Shannon, but it is the key to keeping your faith strong. I suggest that you learn about Gods character and keep believing. I know these thoughts can be very overwhelming, but how comforting is it to know that God DOES control everything. Shannon, learn, really learn what it means to put your worries in Gods hands. Don't you think if you had AIDS God would let you know when you got tested? God does not play mind games with us. Satan does. Good and evil are very real in this world. When your mind is focused away from cars and money and possessions and you just take a step back from the modern world, you can start to see that. Pray for insight, pray for wisdom to see the truth of God. For those who have a hard time believing in God because they are realists. I WAS one!! I researched and researched how there could be a God. When I stepped back and prayed for insight and started to see the complexity of everything from how trees grow to how complex our bodies work I saw that how can there not be a God? Science can explain everything apart from somethings else. But do they know the real big picture? They can explain how things work. But, can they explain why? You can't form an opinion about something you don't educate yourself on. That's why I don't debate about politics.

Last edited by moderator2; 03-04-2006 at 12:42 PM.

 
Old 03-05-2006, 08:40 PM   #5
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rsjazz86 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

Hey everyone....I just wanted to reply to this post because I am the same way. For the past two years I have been worrying about HIV too. This happened after I was tested for the third time and came back negative. After that it has been hell for me. I understand what both of you are going through. Everyday it got worse for me and I did not believe anything that was said that I was negative. My mind kept thinking of different things and they got worse everytime I thought about them. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about all this. It keeps me unfocused from college and other things that I can be enjoying in life. The mind is your worst enemy and it is always fighting against you. Like you, I have been trying to pray to God and ask for forgiveness on all the things that I have done wrong. I try my best to talk to him and I hope that He can understand how I am feeling and how I am. Lately, I have had so many disturbing thoughts that I hate myself and just pray to God that he forgives me and helps me get through this hard times. Today, Sunday I went to church and prayed. I try to go as much as I can, but work does get in the way cause I work on Sundays. Everynight, for a long time know I have been praying before I go to sleep. I have bad dreams at times and it makes my day hell. I feel that I am not a good person and that I just cant handle all this sometimes. I have been going to therapy, but I dont feel it is helping...maybe because its through my college and they are not experienced in everything. My best friend always tells me to forget about it and move on. But its not that simple...because its your mind and after years of feeling like this its so hard. Its easy for him to say that because he never has any problems in his life and he is always happy. He just does not understand and many other dont too. Each day, I hope that it is a better one..but it often is not. I try my best to focus on other things...but its hard. Either I am online looking for answers related to my HIV anxiety..even after so many HIV counselors have told me that I need to move on and forget about it. I cant and I dont know if I ever will be able to forget about it. There is a good book that might help and I know it has helped people. Its called BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND....by Joyce Meyers. She is a pastor and has gone through very hard times in her life and her books are very good. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone....and it will get better as time goes by. I hope we can all help eachother here so we can get through this. Take care.

Rod

 
Old 03-05-2006, 10:01 PM   #6
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MrShannon HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

Hi Rod, I'm glad to see we're not alone in this. I feel that my HIV obsession is getting a little better. However, it can rear it's ugly head at anytime. I go through boughts of it. It usually stems around my anxiety and my physical symptoms. Everytime I get a pimple or a sore throat or a headache, or a runny nose, I start obsessing that the HIV tests were wrong. I know my anxiety can cause all of my physical symptoms, but sometimes it's hard to convince myself that. I'm seeing a therapist to. She's helping alot. Have you had any physical symptoms from your fear? It seems that every new symptom I learn about that has to do with HIV, I come down with. It's crazy. It's like my fears a literally manifesting the physical symptoms.
My therapist says it's because I haven't yet forgiven MYSELF for my actions and behaviors from my past. Maybe she's right. Try working on Forgiving yourself. If you've asked for God's forgiveness, you have it. He forgives all. The next step is self forgiveness. Right back........shannon

 
Old 03-06-2006, 05:25 PM   #7
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rsjazz86 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

Hey Shannon, you know ever since this whole thing....I have experienced every sympton in the book. If get a soar throat or a runny nose, my mind just starts to think about HIV more. The mind is so bad that it will think about anything and make you feel so bad about yourself. Somewhere in my mind...i say to myself...yeah i am ok...but the other side I think what if. The what if's will get to you and it will keep going and going. One what if will lead to another what if.. and another what if. Also, it is very hard to forgive myself for that things that I have done in the past. People say you learn from mistakes...but sometimes those mistakes can just take over your life and make it so bad that you cant forcus on anything else. Between school and all my worries, I am always stressed out and tired. Just one day would be nice to have no worries like this, and no stress and no anxiety. Just a calm and peaceful mind. Take care.

Rod

 
Old 03-08-2006, 07:38 PM   #8
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ashley2232 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

I read all of your posts and all I can feel is a overwhelming compassion for you. I suffered my entire life with this problem of worry and now that I don't worry about it anymore I look to you guys and I just want you to let go. But, from experience I know it's a lot easier said than done. All I can say is keep praying and start listening to what God has to say to you. Medicine, therypy, I don't believe in any of it. If you TRULY believe in God with all your heart like you say you do, then you must know that he controls everything. Including your mind...I've seen a couple of Joyce Myer shows and she sounds like a wise lady. I believe God gave me this mind for a reason. I'm very imaginative and also very skeptical. God gives us gifts to serve him. Sadly, sometimes those gifts get manipulated by selfishness, worry and many other things that are not from God. Although I don't personally know any of you, I know what you're going through. I will pray for you this evening and hope that God plants peace in your hearts and in your minds.

 
Old 03-09-2006, 07:57 PM   #9
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rsjazz86 HB User
Re: worry,worry, worry.........what a waste of life!!!!!!!

Ashley, thank you for your kind words and they do mean alot to me. This is hard on everyone to has OCD. It a process that will take time to learn how to control OCD, but hopefully we can all find peace and enjoy life without too much worry. The best of everything and take care.

Rod

 
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