Glad to know I have company - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

MissyS · 06-13-2006, 08:31 AM

I stumbled upon this board through google and am so glad I did. I have had ocd for a long time but have only been diagnosed for the past 3 years. I suffer mainly from intrusive thoughts, fear of losing control and harming someone I love. These thoughts are so scary. I have laid in bed at night terrified that I'm crazy and that I'll act on these thoughts even though, in my heart I know I never would. And the guilt I have felt over this is enormous. I feel like such a bad person and that's hard. Medication (zoloft) has really helped and I was feeling wonderful over the past year until I got pregnant. About 2 months into my pregnancy, the intrusive thoughts came back and I was so disturbed and upset I began having SEVERE panic attacks and making myself physically ill. My primary care and therapist decided I should go to the hospital. They were afraid that the amount of stress I was under would cause a miscarriage. I went onto a regular ward (not psych) and they upped my meds and put me on buspar. Since then i've been better but not great. I'm always afraid that I'm some kind of homicidal maniac and I don't even know it... like maybe that's my true nature and that just makes me sick.

I'm sorry that other people go through this, but it's comforting to me to know that I'm not alone in these fears and thoughts.

basal1999 · 06-13-2006, 03:05 PM

you poor thing, my heart goes out to you!!!
do you know how common this is? esp. with pregnancy
and after delivering, that's when i got it, my first thought
was when my son was 9 days old, these intrusive thoughts
and the PANIC that follows is the worst thing i have gone thru!!!

what week are you in? does your partner/mom/sis know?
if not, try to tell someone, this was very helpful for me.

many people have int thoughts that don't cause panic and
when i talk to people, i bring it down a level like jumping from
the second floor of the mall or something maybe that they
can relate to, i've had great success with this, my dh has
thoughts about our son, but they go in and out, also one of
my best friends has thoughts ALL the time that DON"T cause
panic, she just dismisses it as ridiculous, but they are defintely
intrusive.

hope this is helpful,
kris

MissyS · 06-14-2006, 06:43 AM

Thanks so much Kris!

My husband and family and friends all know, and they are soooo supportive! My husband even comes to therapy every now and then. My mom has come with me too. My friends have a harder time understanding this than my parents, brother and husband do. At first my husband didn't get it. And my dad gave a really good analogy. He told my husband that the extreme panic is almost like coming off a bad drug and that they had to ride it out with me and be supportive and learn about what I'm going through. Even with all this support I felt isolated because I felt like I was the only one going through this. But after reading so many posts from all of the supportive wonderful people on here, I realize that I'm not alone. And that helps more than anything!

I'm terrified for what I'll go through after the baby is born. I guess I'll take it as it comes!

rastarose5 · 06-14-2006, 02:36 PM

hey missy
WOW, your a strong person for sure, i was thinking about what it would be like to have a child while suffereing from OCD, my heart goes out to you., im sure you will do great your first child? Sorry to hear you are having a hard time through your pregnancy .. although great to hear your doing better.. !
I have been suffering with OCD for a few months now, and it feels like forever, am currently on zoloft and awaiting change? they wax and wane so much though.. but seriously hang in there, i know this site has been a great help to me, to know im not alone and not the only one who has to deal with this horrible condition.. although i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy you know what i mean! lots of luv sweetie, take care

basal1999 · 06-14-2006, 06:50 PM

so glad to hear that you have good support! alright dad!!, i
also give that analogy to someone who has never panicked.

my heart really goes out to the preggos with this!!!

do you have xanex AS NEEDED? if not, get it for after
delivery, i am on paxil and have xanex as needed, it makes
all the difference.

also, if you have not read a book about this i suggest getting one.
i'm sure you're aware of all of this but the best thing is to realize
that this is NOT YOU!! trying to rationalize these thoughts have
driven me crazy

doubting my love for my son is the PITS!!
it's sooooo ridiculous......the ruminating, oh, the ruminating...

i do my best when i don't fight the thought and recognize it
as a brain glitch.

again, so glad to hear about the supportive bunch,
kris