Notguilty

Well, I've been diagnosed with OCD this year, after having Tourette's since I was 7, I'm now 15.

Its been tough, but I always feel that I should be doing something with my life, even though right now I feel I can't. Every little thing just takes so much effort. I am trying to do homework, and I just keep on thinking of these thoughts, sexual ones, like pedophelia and molestation. I know I'll never follow through with these, but it still makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I have never had issues concentrating, even a month ago. But it seems like the longer I don't attend school, the worse it gets. Though its just so painful going to school, I feel so conscious, and always stressed, there isn't a moment of peace.

I can't sleep these days, so I usually just stay up in my bed until 5am until I drop out. Or I'll go on the internet and read about OCD, or play a video game, to get my mind off of these things.

It just makes me feel, worthless, and I feel guilty over every little thing, which is good that comes to me. I often talk to a friend who had OCD, and he enjoy talking with me, and doesn't mind it at all, he likes helping me. But I feel guilty using his time, even though he says I should not feel like that, because he enjoy talking.

I feel guilty when the school tries to help me, and I feel I should be doing something, but I can't. I've also been lately having trouble differentiating from compulsions, and non compulsions(normal things). So I might wait there for 10seconds, thinking should I do this, is it a compulsion, because if it is, I don't want to perform it, because it will make it worse. I usually end up not doing it, because I can't tell which one it is. I just feel so useless. I wanted to do things with my life, but now it feels like my life has stopped, and I'm wasting away.

Thanks for listening, it really feels good having people to share experiences with