arbegla

Hi-

Although I have been diagnosed with OCD for quite a while (1.5 years) I am still strugling to deal effectively with the condition. I have attempted Lexapro, with excellent results until it burned out. I tried getting off of it (1 week), but my mind started playing tricks with me that the "withdrawl" was causing me to get severe mood swings and become violent (both of which I did not). However, it did cause acute distress which frightened my father who recommended me to get back on the medication. FORTUNATELY, the break was long enough to revamp the med. and I am getting anti-obsessional effects (though I have to push the dose high 35-40mg/day otherwise no relief) again. Lexapro is flakey though, and it cuts out or takes effect at odd times during the day (i.e. no 24 hour relief) I have wanted to get a baseline YBOC score when the medication is not working and compare the results when it is taking effect. Problem is, persistent doubting and pushing down the score lower than it may actually be because of guilt. So, maybe someone can help me out with "filling it out", just give me some insight about scoring each item or make an educated guess. OK, now onto symptoms. Well, let me tell you first hand when the Lex. kicks in, I can feel a very noticeable difference (like night and/day) Likewise, when it wears off I can feel anxiety+ obsessive thinking almost hit me physically. My psychiatrist said my symptoms were "at least moderate" and added "even moderate-to-severe". Likewise, my therapist initially rated the severity as "at least moderate...even like a "high" moderate". He later said it was perhaps a "low" severe. My obsessions are worse than my compulsions. My OCD is quite similar to the OCD portrayed by DiCaprio in "The Aviator", in fact it's the only OCD I can relate to. I have an obsession with exactness and perfection which far exceeds what's normal. For example, with OCD severity I have to know what "exact" category it falls under. Like when my doctor is vague "moderate-to severe", I get very upset because I want an EXACT clear clut answer "moderate" OR "severe". I have an obsession with math, and not in a nerdy intellectual sense. I had bought/checked out 7 books on calculus, that I had already taken, and going over the problems to achieve "maximum competence" everyday at least 1/2 hour-1 hour day interefering with other studies for 1.5 years straight. The obsession with math just feeds off from the preoccupation with exactness, because math is "numerical exactness"...there's no gray.....RIGHT or WRONG. The obsession triggered other obsessions, particularly social obsessions. At my univeristy I began getting fiercey jealous of other students who had taken calculus, and were having social lives, and who dating etc....the pain from the knowledge that math was my life and I was a nothing otherwise just wanted to make me cry and get the hell away from the campus as soon as classes were done. As a result, for nearly 3 semesters, I lived a semi-reclusive lifestyle going to the same cafe in the city where I live (subway ride away from campus) everyday and repeating the same routine...work on math, eat, and go home to my parents. I refused almost totatly to participate in any social/extra-curricular/sports at school all because of a feeling of inferiority which was too painful to bear. This constant routine pushed me to the limit of near nervous breakdown. This is similar to the "Aviator" in that Howard Hughes, spent 2 years on "Hell's Angel's" spending vasts amount of money and pushing himself to the limit just to make the movie perfect. Aside from that, my sex-drive plummeted as I developed a preoccupation with the "perfect" girl (5"9-5"10 no taller, no shorter, blonde or dark brunnet nothing in between, smart only in literature not in science or math, hourglass figure) I began insulting "normal" looking girls in my mind deriding their looks and bodies which upset me since I felt it was very mean spirited. Also, I really wanted to be attracted to a normal looking girl and felt awful feeling that I would never be attracted to a girl because there would always be something "not right" about the way they looked. To further complicate matters, I would compulsively look and read men magazine's where model's often displayed nasty attitudes, which in turn I internalized and made me feel enraged and screaming and telling them off in my mind over and over for a good 25 minutes after reading the magazine. It also gave me a bad attitude towards women, which I knew was ridiculous but couldn't help thinking about because of what some nasty b**** had to say. So this effectively prevented me from wanting to have a girlfriend while on the other hand I kept feeling the urge to get a girlfriend which created incredible frustration. Aside from exactness and precision, I also experienced aggresive thoughts. The insulting of girls, the internal yelling to fellow classmates for having outdone me in math, were some already mentioned but this extended to learning and work. I felt as soon I began studying, I would get a feeling "this is BORING...this IS BORING....THIS IS BORING" which would ultimately cumulate in an urge to throw a tantrum and scream out loud every minute and a half. The response, was repetitive checking of how much more material I had left routinely every minute and a half while the increased anxiety from this left me scattered brained and ultimately only allowed me to grasp 20-30% of the material each time I studied. This had a tremendous impact on me, since I had to spend the summer the weekend....almost every day studying new material in addition to revising useless old stuff, further entrapping me in the vicious circle of frustration, jealously, and ultimately self-isolation. Workwise, similar urges to throw tantrums badly effected my work performance and got me fired after 4 months (50% less than my peers) and limited my capacity to work for only 3-4 hours a day before I burned out and couldn't take it anymore. SO, enough babling (those are my major problems). Obsessions were very difficult to control, in my opinion. I would routinely get images of a girl stuck in my mind along with a piece of background music, which would play for 5 seconds....stop....replay again over and over just like a CD skipping (500 times+). The thought wasn't particuarly horrible but I felt anxious with increased heart rate, rapid walking, tense muscles, tapping lamposts, increased thought speed (I felt pseudo-manic or extremely wired). When I tried to break it, my mind would go clear for about 5-7 seconds and the obession would come right back. Likewise, obsessional thought about precision and isulting others were hard to control and pretty much roamed free. I didn't put much effort into stopping them, since they were too strong and continuous and I pretty much yielded. I put up some fickle resistance as in my mind telling me from time to time "your obsession with math is going to drive you insane" or "don't do that, that is stupid" but this was overrided in my mind. Parallel from the "Aviator" in the first air crash sequence "Howard, you are low on fuel, time to come down". Howard's mind heard the danger, but simply ignored it and indulged his obsession into breaking the speed record and ultimately crashed (could have been killed). The second time he wasn't so lucky..Well, that's pretty much how my mind operates. As far as time spent on obsessions, well they last pretty much the whole day, but significant ones last about 4 hours. Anxiety, I am not exactly sure. I feel jittery from some and experience physical symptoms of anxiety (palpitations/pressured speech and stride/mind racing/painful spasms in my stomach) and am visibly "nervous to others" from some obessions, while others I feel deep emotional pain and have to get away from its source. Others I feel strong anger. I guess between (5.5-6.5/10) They were not disabling nor were they really manageable. They were tolerable, but only up to a certain point until I felt that I was really going to break down. Impairment was severe, since I had considerable problems interacting with people.....I had 1-2 friends while the averege American has 6 (33% at best), I managed to date a girl (after some therapy) but OCD tore it apart in 1.5 months. I avoided MOST parties but did attend a few with predictable feeling of worthlessness and depression while attending. Work only 50% at normal capacity, school studies tied up because of checking and urges to throw tantrums which ate up 35% of my time and reduced concentration to 25-30% of normal. Overall, OCD has considerable affect on my life, but I am still able to leave the house and do "basic" responsibilites such as getting assignments in and passing classes. However, my life is devoid of any hobby, or leisure, and I am a "half functional" person. I am really only interested in the obsessional YBOC score actually. They are 1) time spent 2) distress 3)resistance 4) control 5) intereference rated on 1-4 (1 mild/2moderate/3 severe/ 4 incapacitated). I've read about much worse (people spending 8 hours washing their hands terrified of germs...and I am nowhere near that level)...nor is this mild.....I've got issues!!!

Thank You