I Thought I Had It Under Control...but.....
First of all thank you for reading. It might take a while for me to gt everything out and I don't even know where to start. Just this summer I met a wonderful girl in my hometown who I fell for right away and knew there was a connections. I thought this was going to be a great summer, but it turned out not so great. This was my first serious relationship in a long time, but most of all its been a while since I have been intimate with someone. I was always concerned about been intimate with someone because of things that have happened in the past. I am in college now, but back in sophmore year of high, I stupidly had an intimate encounter with a girl and after that I thought I had gotten an STD, especially HIV since I was unprotected. Ever since then I have had the fear of it and have gotten tested 3 times throughout 2.5 years. They were all negative, just my mind kept telling me that something might have gone wrong or what if this what if that. I have had all sorts of thoughts and ideas and at time it was so bad that I could not even go to class. Anyway, I have gone to sessions to try to deal with it as best I can and move on from the fear, but I guess it never really goes away. So for a while I calmed down, even after the fear that I might even get something like HIV from kissing. So when I met this girl at the beginning of summer, I wanted to take things slow. After a month, we became intimate with eachother, but I was very concerned, even thought I was protected and made sure the condom was not broken of anything.
After it happened, she sensed that something was wrong and I told her about my fear. She was very understanding and she wanted me to be open about her about things that were bothering me. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I was concerned still. It got a little better with time and we were having a great time together. My feelings for her developed the more time we spent together. Everything she did and said felt very real and that she wanted to be with me and that she was happy. Until one night after we had dinner out, she told me that she cannot to did anymore and she feels uncomfortable with me. She led me on and then just ended it right there. All the " I miss you and I am so happy to be with you", I don't know how to take those and if they were even true. If this was all a game to her and I was just used. So she broke my heart after everything I told and all the time we spent together. But the thing that bothers me the most is that I was intimate with her and it was very special, even though in the back of my mind my fear was still there.
So just the the other day, I was at work and all of a sudden I read a headline about STD/HIV. Later that day, I was reading my book during break and it mentioned HIV in my book. I got home and I went on my computer and I saw a headline on Yahoo about HIV. And this morning the same thing. I HATE THIS! I feel as these are signs that I have it. How can it happen in one day, just out of nowhere and I after I was intimate with someone and they broke my heart. I don't know what else to thing and how to take all these things that I see about HIV. Or am I just crazy. It has happened in the past and thats why I have gotten tested 3 times, even when I had not sexual contact. But now its happening again. I did not even finish my book because of it and I put it down and walked away. One thing after another in day. I cant take it. Is it my mind or something else. I guess those sessions never helped since I freak everytime I read something about it or see something related to it and I think, well there its a sign for you. After she broke up with me and went back to school, I have had wiered dreams and cant sleep much at night. I am sorry this is long and maybe I don't even know what I am trying to say and its all probably very confusing, but if anyone can offer some advise or anything it would be really nice.
Thank you again for reading this confusing thing.