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Old 09-28-2006, 07:09 AM   #1
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needsunshine HB User
Scared of Thoughts - Please respond!

hello all i have been suffering from OCD on and off for my whole life i guess, but didnt have it diagnosed until 2001 when I got totally scared! I have had different bouts throughout my life, but still cant make myself understand that they are just thoughts. I have been reading your posts for a few days and finally decided to post one of my own....so here it goes....sorry if its lengthy!

First let me start by saying that i have also been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. When I was nine years old..am now 28...my father shot and killed my mother and then himself. I did not see this, but still was horrified at losing my parents in such a violent way...I could never understand why my father did this and still don't. I am not sure if the not knowing is what is causing my issues or not. Anyway when I was a child I didnt really give it much thought except that I missed my parents and just didnt understand and i never saw a therapist as a child to help with this. I know that at one point I blamed myself and if i had been home i could have stopped it...but i know i couldnt.

My first bout with the OCD came when i was about 13, although i didnt know what it was at the time. I was reading a book about these kids who were terminally ill and meeting in a group to help one another...when suddenly i had this horrible fear of dying. I just started thinking God I could die to today...I could die and never get to taste these foods or see these people or do anything ever again....I just started having horrible anxiety about this and I didnt want to be alone....i didnt want to do anything alone and always wanted someone near to talk to. I cant remember how long this went on, but it eventually just disappeared and it didnt bother me again.

I remember that I would obsess over certain health issues but never gave any thought to it. I had lice one time in high school and i remember everyday i would spend hours looking through my hair to make sure there was nothing there...i just knew i hadnt gotten rid of it and i was just infested with them...but there was nothing! Again I would eventually stop and never give any thought.

When I was about 19 I had my first sexual thoughts that totally disgusted me and I hated myself for having these thoughts....i just kept telling myself i would never do those horrible things and that it was just a crazy thought. I would go as far as to tell myself that if i acted on them i should get punished and get what i deserved. I would have thoughts of just kissing someone or touching them in a private part.....and I hated it....it made me so upset and sick to my stomach and still i did nothing....just keep it inside. As always it would eventually subside and id be fine.

Then in 2001 my adopted father passed away from cancer and about two months later I started with these horrible violent thoughts. I started having thoughts that I was going to kill myself or my boyfriend....i knew that i didnt want to do this, but couldnt get it out of my head no matter how hard i tried....Sometimes the thoughts came with images or pictures of it....and it terrified me...could i really do something like this....no no no....but i just couldnt get rid of it. I was so scared I cried and cried and couldnt function...finally i tried to get an appt with a pdoc and they all had like 2 week waiting lists. I felt like i was losing it so i talked to a friend and decided to admit myself to a hospital. It was there that it was determined that i was suffering from OCD and PTSD. It seems that my biggest fear is doing what my father did and that is what my thoughts were coming from. They assumed that my symptoms had come to head at the death of my adopted father. I was so scared and still could not understand, but i was in hospital for about four days before i was released. The Dr. put me on Luvox and set me up for outpt therapy. I did all of what they said and it was tough but eventually it got better. In the same time period i got pregnant and then was horrified that i would do horrible things to my baby when he was born. I still took my meds and went to therapy and just kept reassuring myself. I had my child in Sept 02 and loved him dearly...when he was first born i was terrified of sids...i would get up at all times of the night and check on him....but that didnt bother me so much.

At times I would have fleeting thoughts that i might touch him inappropriately or hurt him. I went back on my meds because i had gone off when i was three months pregnant and the thoughts eventually went away or if they came they didnt bother me.

I stayed on my meds for two years and was feeling great so i decided to try and go off them and what do you know six months later i was in a relapse. I starting having the horrible fear that i would kill myself or my son...and sometimes my other loved ones....sometimes even strangers....it was soo scared and i hated even the thought of going through this again...but i went back to therapy and got back on my meds and in a few months i was ok again.

Then about a year later i once again tried to stop my meds and within two weeks I could see my symptoms reappearing so I resemed my meds and that episode only lasted a short time and I wasnt as terrifed.

Now here it is another year later and i had been missing my meds cause i wanted to go off of them and am now having the same horrible thoughts again....i know its the ocd but it still terrifies me to think that i could think these things...what if i acted on them....what if i go crazy...why did my dad do what he did...do i have some other mental illness.....all of these things go through my head....I love my child with all my heart and i dont want him to got through the things that i have.....i want him to live a long happy life...i would never want to hurt him....heck...i dont even like to spank him for discipline....and i hate for him to cry.....I dont want to hurt myself I want to live and be there to do the things for my son that my parents werent there for. I would never want to harm anybody , but these thoughts are there and i cant make them go away, it is sooo distressing. Does anyone else know what I am going through?

I have gone back on my meds 150 mg Zoloft and 50 mg Seroquel at night and I am in therapy so hopefully it will all come together soon! I am just so scared and annoyed that i have to go through this again!!!!

Thanks for all of you who are here and hopefully maybe ive let someone else know that they are not alone. Please any input is appreciated.

Last edited by needsunshine; 09-28-2006 at 12:07 PM. Reason: title change

 
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Old 09-28-2006, 08:28 PM   #2
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BadMalibu HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

Sunshine-

Well first off thanks for opening up and sharing so much about yourself. Secondly, all of us here know what you're going through and you're not alone. My main problem is intrusive thoughts, and I have the same ones you do. What if I go crazy? Am I capable of doing something like this? Should I be locked up in a mental institution?

I noticed that you said everytime you went off your meds you started to have obsessions again. Obviously your brain reacts well to some of the SSRI drugs, but always keep yourself in therapy. I made the same mistake you did, but instead of medication it was with therapy. I started to feel better after 2 years of therapy, and figured, the heck with it, I know how to control things so I'll just bow out. But the obsessions came back full force, and I've put myself back into therapy.

You're not crazy, were not crazy, none of us are crazy. Look at it this way. Some people think that OCD is caused by excess stimulation of the frontal lobe of the brain. So there you go, we have brains that are stimulated more, which means we have more stimulated brains, which means were smarter! lol

 
Old 09-29-2006, 06:08 AM   #3
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basal1999 HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

hi,

i am just like you, i can't get it thru my brain that this is just OCD thoughts,
i do very well but have bad weeks here and there. this has been going on for 6 years. i also have harming thoughts re: my son.

every year i also try to go off paxil, i feel so good and think i can handle it w/o meds and maybe xanex as needed, it doesn't work, i should just stop trying.
i also am very aware of what this is and most of the time i think it's a joke!!

i have a disabled son and think what if i can't handle it, what if i go crazy?

this OCD stuff started before i knew he was disabled, thank god!

this is truly the worst thing in the world!!

how long have you been on message boards? i LOVE hearing
"me too", it's very comforting.

one technique is to let the thoughts be there and not analyze them,
NO RUMINATING, are you aware of this? it helps, but then again, i always
try to analyze them away again. UGHH!!!

kris

 
Old 09-29-2006, 06:41 AM   #4
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needsunshine HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

Hello all and thanks for replying...it makes me feel so much better to know that there are others who are suffering from the same things that i am...however, i wouldnt wish it on anyone!

I am new to the message boards and this was my first post, but i have read others postings before i finally decided to post my own.

I was kind of scared that if i posted everything that i did that people would think she's crazy and not respond, but i know that is just me worrying!

I am very aware of the "let the thoughts flow" way of dealing with these thoughts....i have read and read and read on OCD. I think i know alot about the condition it's just the making your self believe it.

I guess the hardest part for me is knowing that my father did some of these horrible things and i dont know why. So if he could do it than what about me....even though i know i am a different person and i am very aware that these things are wrong and it's not something i want to do. But again it's the what if's.

Like you i tell myself that i guess it is useless to try and go off the meds cause every time i do i have a relapse...so i am just going to stay on them! I have begun seeing my therapist again so i am also using that as well as some of the techniques i have learned from reading.....I have had a good couple of days so we'll see where it goes from here.

I guess i could say one of my compulsions is that i read and read and read on OCD to try to reassure myself that is what is wrong with me and that there are others like me....i would spend hours upon hours looking at info on the net or reading....i think that i need to resist the urges to look for information to help also because i think that reassurance thing is an issue for me.

Again thanks for your responses and i hope to hear from you all again and i hope that you all progress well with your therapy and meds.

sunshine

 
Old 09-29-2006, 08:01 AM   #5
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basal1999 HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

i can relate to everything you are saying!!

i too feel that i have a situation that may make me go crazy..

i ALSO read and read for reassurance.

it's also interesting how so many of us have the EXACT
same thoughts.

when they find out how to lobotomize it, i'll be the
first in line

kris

 
Old 09-29-2006, 08:05 AM   #6
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basal1999 HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

i want to add that my son is high functioning
and the love of my life, we have a very good life
and i have the best husband!! i really have no
reason to think i won't be able to handle my future.
it's just that wonderful anxiety that i've been
blessed with...

btw, my dh and best friend also have thoughts,
they are lucky enough to be able to dismiss them!

my panic has really made me appreciate life,
when i have peace of mind, everything is OK,
even if it's a bad situation, know what i mean.

like i said before, where's my lobotomy

 
Old 09-29-2006, 09:04 AM   #7
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needsunshine HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

I totally know what you mean. When I feel good i feel good and i have no worries....well that overwhelm me, but normal worries come and go. that is the stage i like to be in. If they could figure out how to make it go away id be right behind you in line!....no matter how much $ it cost me! LOL

THanks!

 
Old 09-29-2006, 03:53 PM   #8
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megobeme HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

I have never been diagnosed or treated but the more I hear about OCD the more I think that maybe I need to get some help. I have been treated for depression and have done the on and off, on again, off again medication. I thought I was going nuts because I have had THE most boring normal up bringing. But the more I hear the more I connect and realize it sounds like me. I thought it was just plain depression.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 10:41 AM   #9
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BadMalibu HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by megobeme
But the more I hear the more I connect and realize it sounds like me. I thought it was just plain depression.
Alot of times OCD will mix itself in with depression. I know for a fact that when I have a bad spell of OCD, I get really depressed because I don't want to deal with it or live with it because as we all know it makes life very hard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by basal1999
like i said before, where's my lobotomy
HEY! If it'll make the OCD go away, put me down for one too!! Then again..now that I think about it. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy! lol

 
Old 10-06-2006, 01:29 PM   #10
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Bordism HB User
Re: Scared of Thoughts

Hi there, im 17 and for the past year or so i've had the exact same problem with the thoughts of harming others. Mine all started after i watched a television program of an acted out scene of someone being murdered but it was based on a true story. But having posted on several different sites i've found out that there are actually many people like us and no one ever acts on them, although it is VERY scary to think and worry that u might lose control and act upon them, but it just doesnt happen. i've been fighting anxiety and depression, OCD for the past 5 years or so.. ever since i can remember i've had some strange obsessions, like things i'd have to do to make me feel 'right'. I'm not almost completely over the anxiety and depression side but the thoughts are still there! I've now started a plumbing apprentiship and i have to use a blow tourch, how ever stupid it may sound i am petrified to be in control of it incase i lose control! I dont know about u guys but what do u do when these thoughts come into your head? I seem to just shout shut up as many times as possible to flood out the bad ones. I would like to know what you guys do to calm your thoughts down. Well i just had to get this of my chest, it probably sounds like a load of ****. But anyway, hope people can give me some tips. Peace.

 
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