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Old 10-13-2006, 09:28 AM   #1
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 17
rsjazz86 HB User
Signs or just my Mind playing games?

Hi everyone,

It's been sometime since I have been here, and I have been trying to stay busy with college and music. But lately I feel as if I am back to phase one. I posted a long time ago about my fears of STD's/HIV and how the thoughts and ideas have just effected me greatly. I thought I had things under control over the summer, but it turns out I don't. Here is why. Lately, I would have days were things would be going ok, and then all of a sudden I would start seeing this signs related to HIV. For example, just yesterday I was coming home on the train and this man was reading the paper and I happened to glance at one of the headlines....and BAM it was about AIDS. I have days were it there will be like 5 or 6 different things that relate to it. Whether I see it on TV, read it, hear about it, or just anything. It feels like once the first sign shows up, they just continue. Is my mind playing a game or are these signs trying to tell me something? There is not a week that goes by wher I don't encounter something like that. I have a headache for 2 days now and I can't sleep, I have dreams about them and I feels as if my dreams are true and are telling me something. I am a mess, and I did try therapy at my school but it did not help. I hate this and I hate my mind and my life is a mess. 20 years old and I can't even enjoy it or have a normal day without worry. I don't know, maybe there are other things that are effecting me and causing me to feel this way but I just don't know them yet.

Thanks for reading.

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Old 10-13-2006, 04:53 PM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Seven Hills, Ohio
Posts: 411
BadMalibu HB UserBadMalibu HB User
Re: Signs or just my Mind playing games?


First off, let me say that it sounds like your mind is playing tricks on you, although obsessive worry is part of having OCD.

There are alot of things people obsess over: health, STD's, HIV, thinking something bad is going to happen, their appearance, germ contamination, so forth and so on. It just so happens that your brain has started focusing on HIV. These things you see are not signs, they're conincedences. That's sort of like when you get a new car. You never really notice how many people actually drive that car until you own one, then you see them all over the street. If you're looking for something specific, like in your case being focused on HIV, you're going to see it everywhere, because it is everywhere.

To be honest with you, I was really scared of STD's, but the sad thing is I actually have one now. Herpes to be exact. And it doesn't matter how much I worry about it, because there's no cure and it's not going to go away and there's nothing I can do about it. Baisically let my life be an example to you, and either abstain from sex until you're married, or don't engadge in any type of intimacy at all to be safe.

You said you're not sure about why you feel the way you do. I don't know if you have a girlfriend or you're intimate with anyone, but fears of pregnancy or STD's can play themselves into our brain when we feel were not being responsible and not waiting until marriage to engage in sex.

Well I sure hope this helps at least to some extent!

Old 10-13-2006, 06:13 PM   #3
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 17
rsjazz86 HB User
Re: Signs or just my Mind playing games?


First off thank you so much for your reply, it means much to me. To answer you questions, I just got out of a relationship with a girl that I really fell for. Sadly, she left me two months ago. She was my first true love. Part of my worry now is about what happened one night between us. We were intimate with eachother that night, and after we were done I noticed that there was some blood on the condom. FREAKED ME OUT! I tried to my best to look for any signs if the condom was broken or not, but to the best of my knowledge I did not see that it was broken. She said tha she thought that her period was over, but I guess there was one day left. Very shortly after she left me. So I don't know if its guilt or what, but this whole thing is on my mind.

Thanks so much

Old 10-14-2006, 06:09 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Seven Hills, Ohio
Posts: 411
BadMalibu HB UserBadMalibu HB User
Re: Signs or just my Mind playing games?


I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend broke up. The first love always hurts the most. I remember mine like it was yesterday, but the fact is each day that goes by, you'll start to feel a little better. Unfortunately you have to wait, but trust me, it might not seem like it's going to get better, but it will. You'll notice that each day that goes by will see you feeling a little better. Even if it's just a tiny bit, the most imporant thing is you will get over her and continue on with life.

And of course this STD thing is going to be on your mind, especially when blood is involved. Most people don't realize how easy it is to catch an STD like Herpes, for example. The fact of the matter is we realize the mistakes we make after we make them, unfortunately. I don't know how long you were with her for, but if it wasn't that long, you just never know how honest people can be with you.

This in turn makes your mind go wild. What if she had an STD?? What if she had HIV and didn't know?? What if she had HIV and didn't tell me?? What if I accidentally ripped the condom?? These thoughts all come flooding and rushing in, and it's hard to stop them when we feel like we've made a big mistake or done something that could have harmed us.

The best thing you can do is just go get tested for Herpes and HIV and any other STD's or bloodbourne pathogens, and get tested once a year so your mind will be at ease. My advice, and believe me I learned this the hard way, is not to engage in sex with anyone unless there are a couple of things you know for sure:

1. You've both been tested, and you're both sure you do not have any type of STD's. This includes Herpes, and HIV since these are not curable. Be warned: Herpes blood tests can sometimes come back positive because the virus is very common and most everyone has been exposed to it. This does not mean you have Herpes. When our bodies encounter it, the immune systems releases anitbodies to deal with the Herpes antigen, so therefore you'll test positive, but again it doesn't mean you have it.

2. You've sat down and really talked about sex before actually having it. It's alot harder to have a serious discussion about sex when you're already locked in a passionate moment.

3. You both consider the risks of having sex such as STD's, and pregnancy and you're both in agreement what would happen in the event of pregnancy.

4. You and your fiance/girlfriend are both educated on STD's, how they're transmitted, and what risks are involved.

5. You're sure you're going to get married, and you're happy with each other.

It's sad to say that having sex nowadays can actually kill you, and I'm learned my lesson from getting Herpes, and I won't make another mistake again. I don't believe in casual sex or fooling around anymore because like I said I learned my lesson. Remember when sex was safe, and skydiving wasn't? Now it's safer to jump out of a plane than have sex.

All of these things are alot to think about, which is why I'm sure you're very anxious about STD's and HIV. Again, have a full blood screen done, and specify to your doctor that you want to be tested for Herpes and HIV. I know that when you donate blood they automatically test your blood for HIV as well as other things, and if there is anything wrong, you'll get a letter from the blood bank telling you so.

If I need specific blood work done, I go to my doctor. But if I just want to have an HIV test done, I donate blood because it's a free test, and donating blood helps save people's lives.

Hope this helps!

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