I have recently (in the past 3 months or so) come across the form of Pure Obsessional OCD. Well here is my story so you can make of it what you wish...
The first time I had a panic attack was when I was 20 years old and my boyfriend that I was very much *infatuated with* broke up with me out of the blue. I didn't get out of bed for 3 days and had several panic attacks. I was obsessed with finding out the *real* reason why we broke up which eventually led to him basically telling me never to see him again. To this day it embarasses me that I acted like that, but at the time being, I was just constantly either trying to gain reassurance and answers from my parents/friends about whether or not they thought we would get back together, and answers from him about why we really broke up. I believe these obsessions lasted about 6 months or so, and took up ALL of my time.
Since then I have had panic attacks in just about every situation- social situations, speaking situations, big changes (like moving and graduating college) etc. A lot of generalized anxiety, and so forth.
Fast forward to age 21, I met this great guy and we hit it off really well. I very much fell in love with him and we talked often of getting married when we graduated college, and so forth. We even picked out a ring and I was very excited and sure of everything. Then when I was 23, he proposed, and I was very excited- until panic struck about 2 days later. I just could not understand how I could be so sure and then suddenly be so unsure. I think at the time I sas anxious over the change, or the commitment, or having to grow up. But I very clearly remember about a month after we got engaged, suddenly the thought "what if I don't love him?" popped into my head. This was very painful and hard for me, as I was so sure of everything and had no doubts (ha!), and the thought of leaving him devastated me, yet I constantly had this voice in my head saying things like:
- you dont' really love him, you're just lying
- you're just a big faker
- you just find him really annoying, you have to break up with him
- you're just in denial, you're just lying to yourself to make yourself feel better
- one day you will break his heart blah blah blah
And yet I did not consider OCD, because, as most ignorant people, I thought OCD was just like handwashing. And I had never had these sorts of intrusive thoughts before so this was all really new to me.
Over the next few months the panic and anxiety subsided and I started to come out of my fog (the fog lasted about 4-5 months) and I would be getting along pretty well with my fiance but that sneaky voice would always pop up and say "are you sure? I dont think you're really sure," and so on. Ever incompatability we had (which is not much) became a huge issue now. I felt very depressed and alone and sad....
And so my cycle continues. Things get better, then they get worse, better, then worse. Our wedding is in 7 weeks and since about 12 weeks before the wedding, I was doing pretty well. Since then I have been on a rollercoaster. I get horrible thoughts in my head, I create scenarios of me breaking up with my fiance AND YET all I want to do is be with him. We have an extremely healthy relationship- and by all logical means we will have a great marriage. But I get these thoughts in my head and I start to panic.
I guess what I'm saying is, has anyone else felt this, and do you feel a lot of turmoil inside? One part of me says "I love him so much," and the other part of me says "umm are you sure? are you sure you're sure?" I am so tired of the obsessing and the ruminating. Lately I have spent HOURS on the internet looking for answers. I came across the Dr. Phillipson article "I think it moved", and it was like reading about my own life. I recently brought this to my therapist (who I might add is not trained in OCD), and she kind of laughed and said since I didnt' have any compulsions I probably don't have OCD. She just chalks this up to a lack of self trust.
I don't want to get away from the relationship, I want to get away from the constant anxiety and thoughts in my head.
Anyone? I know this is long..thank you for reading it if you did...