arbegla

I have already seen a CBT and dropped out.....along w/ 20% of other OCD'ers from what I understand from literature. The real problem I have is dealing w/ obsessive thoughts, which are a good deal stronger than my compulsions, but not entirely absent either. My psychiatrist has noted this, and I feel it when medication is working as my compulsions slip away to a minor nuisance while the obsessions are weaker but still weightly. My baseline YBOC-scale score is 15-16 for obsessions and 10-11 for compulsions...the ambiguity comes from pathological doubting and "scrupulosity" so to speak where I don't feel "comfortable" inflating my score and try to grind it down to a minimum. For example, for obsessions, I get more than 8 hours of it (even when I talk to people thoughts pop in....) so there's never a real break. I'm pretty sure that I have little control over thoughts (I can merely delay them 4-5 seconds before they come back full force), I'm confident that I yield to pretty much all (or nearly all of my thoughts....there's no resistance...I just let them fire away with minimal if any intervention). The anxiety from the obsessions is what kind of messes up scoring. Why my OCD more or less follows the same pattern everyday, except under ALOT of stress where it gets worse, during the day my anxiety fluctuates from "moderate-high" to "marked"....in numbers I'd say between like 5.8-7.5/10. It doesn't really get to panic levels, and the anxiety I experience takes form of high degree of nervousness, restlessness, extreme startle reaction, mental tension such as intense stress (the kind that would give most a stomach ulcer) or feeling angry/mad. I DONT experience much fear, which probably explains why I can get out of my house and get around, but apprehension is pretty bad at times...I didn't really understand the distinction before, but apprehension is a feeling of dread that's off in the future and is deeper and more penetrating than phobic fear which is acute but at the same time much more disabling. Well, regardless, my anxiety is either moderate or severe/marked depending on the test I take but it is definitely not disabling. I would say I experience a good 3-4 hours of high anxiety on most days which come in multiple "spells" of varying duration, and the rest of the day I feel "relatively" calm but even then it's probably something like a 6/10. I filled out the HAM-A anxiety w/ my psychiatrist and scored 33 which is a little above the 30 severe anxiety cutoff (but that's taking symptoms as a whole not every minute of the day). Well, I'm already obsessing, but shortly my obsessions are multiple. I've been plagued my doubts about whether I have OCD or not, how severely I have it, how severe my anxiety is, leading to compulsive list making and taking and retaking YBOC and anxiety tests (it's probably been 20-30 times by now)..it's form of checking. Other obsessions include endlessly taking and repeating symptoms to my psychiatrist for more than an hour after I leave seeing him, aggressive obsessions usually triggered by morbid fixations. As an example, I become obsessed with war or some battle which I know is going to bother me, but I cave in and indulge and read about it. Of course, reading about "massacres" enfuriates me, and in my mind I think about getting back to the people responsible for committing such crimes. I feel mad, and people can see it visibly in public...some people I meet wonder why I look "so upset" or "so angry". Of course, I'm about as harmless as a lamb, never involved in anything violent or criminal. I still feel like a madman though. Also, I get pieces of music jammed in my head accompanied by a picture of someone, which goes on auto repeat 400-500 times per hour at times. It's literally like getting a DVD skipping....7 seconds forward...halt..go back to start.....7 seconds again and so on....This causes alot of nervous tension and energy and find myself pacing, snapping my fingers or toes. There's more, but that's most of what comes to mind right now. The obsessions seriously disrupt my life due to the anxiety they generate.....my concentration is cut down 45% from normal, making studying an almost "torturous" ordeal. Added upon that is restlessness, followed by thoughts "when is this DONE ALREADY F*%$...followed by an impulse to fall down and throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old" which cause me to check every minute or so how many pages I have remaining. This affects me in class, and at work where the result in school is that I simply don't go to lecture, and at work where I tired out very quickly from the impatience and the above-listed obsession which reduces the quality of work a good deal....I've been fired at least 2 times directly due to OCD. Also, I don't know if this is related to OCD but I get debilitating fatigue during the day where I just feel like just sitting down and do nothing...it's very uncomfortable and pretty much restricts me to about 4 hours of work per day and 2.5 hours of studying which is 40-50% below "averege" endurance. My social life is badly disrupted, because I start getting jealous obsessions about how well others are doing (i.e. going to law/medical school, getting internships for high paying jobs) which can be so emotionally painful (esp. in social gatherings) that I get seriously depressed for that time I am there...needless to say, I avoid these situations, and if I do go...it's mr. sour puss face which probably is not conducive to making friends. I have 1-2 friends and I'm OK on a one-to-one basis, but groups will trigger those nasty obsessions. Well, I've pretty much explained in obsessive detail, the problems I have. Medication helps relieve these symptoms fairly well, but I'm still strugling with trying to fight them off completely which seems impossible...until I find a good way of dealing with them! I may make this sound worse than it actually is, but I really feel like life's a struggle more than a 22 year old needs to put up with. I have remained depression free (except for some spells) which the shrink has said is remarkable considering that alot of OCD suffers are pretty down and all the "emotional baggage" I have. I hope for the best and wish you all the best of luck in fighting this unimagineably frustrating disorder!

Thank You
PS...sorry for the long-windedness!