I'm new. Thougts of self-harm? - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

faracrossthesea · 10-23-2006, 08:14 AM

Hello, I am new here. Long story short- I started having OCD symptoms eariler this year...literally out of nowhere. I became so scared I ended up at the E.R. and into therapy which was short-lived. It was coming and going every few months so I basically started to forget about it. It was always the same pattern for me, my month began with paranoia (thinking every one looking at me in public thought I was weird or a bad mother, etc) then when my period came I felt out of control. Always thoughts about my kids which is sooo upsetting. I can't watch the news at all and even the computer I have banned myself from seeing things. It was always the "what if" and then researching why people snap and suddenly do something crazy. I've tried to place how I've been under a ton of stress these past few years and maybe something switched inside me to have this problem. I really don't know.

Skip ahead until 2 months ago, I was basically fine and woke up not thinking about anything bad. That's such a great feeling to wake up and not right off the bat have bad thoughts. Same pattern for me with the paranoia and all that and but now it's not so much thoughts about my kids, it's thoughts about suicide. All the time I just think about how I will kill myself. I don't even have a plan to do it, I just think about it so then I start thinking I will do it at one point. I feel like I cry all the time. I also feel very disconnected with my actual thoughts and have no reality anymore. I feel like I could be living in a train model set, I know that sounds weird. I am so sick of feeling this way and I don't want to be on meds. I have been looking into b6 and walking more to my diet.

Does anyone else ever have thoughts of self-harm or is it just me? It's just weird because for so many years of my life I have been fine then now it's a struggle for me day to day. Sometimes I'll think "thank God I might not live past 60 so I can stop thinking for a change".

I'm sorry this is so long. I just need someone to talk to.

LittleZanyone · 10-23-2006, 09:58 AM

=^..^= your not alone

I also have the same thoughts at times. It is really hard to be strong all the time. Dealing with OCD can be so over welming. I know what you meen about the news and such. I watch *scream* yesterday, and afterwards it just kept popping in my head, I know I am not crazy like the killers, but what makes them do that, and am I going to crack and do something bad? I love my kids, my family. I by no meens am I violent person, yet I cant help wondering, if they were like me before they snapped. The thoughts just pop out of know where and hits me like a ton of bricks. My very first episode - Day was going very well, I was walking from one room to anouther then like out of knowwhere it felt like someone hit me alone side the head and I had my very first OCD - anxiety whatever ya want to call it. That day changed my life. I now question everything I think or do, out of fear of ending up like the Mother in the news that killed her babies. I know I could NEVER do such things, but the thoughts of what if, and I one of them people scares the Ba-Jebbies out of me. I even wanted to end it all doring the middle of it. Therapy and Wellbutrin helps but them thoughts still pop up, it not as strong and I learned ( or am trying ) to learn to blow them off to nothing but OCD.

Huge Hug - I understand and your not alone.

faracrossthesea · 10-23-2006, 10:53 AM

The news is horrible I've given up on it completely. Infact I've decided to create my own good news by trying to do good things. My first project is to get a box and start collecting a local animal shelter's wish list and bringing it over with the kids at Christmas. I just need to try to surround myself with good things and not worry about what some woman in Texas did to her 9 kids. It's hard to tell myself "that won't be me" because my brain won't shut off or shut up. I don't find the thoughts but they are there and annoying.

I've been through so much these past few years I wonder sometimes if I triggered something to snap inside me because of all the stress. I love my kids so much, they are so beautiful. Having repeated bad thoughts is so overhwhelming and disturbing that I think it's pushing me into a state of depression which is where my suicide thoughts come from.

Thanks for replying, it's nice to talk to someone who can relate.

BadMalibu · 10-23-2006, 08:35 PM

Faracross-

First of all you're not crazy, and none of us are crazy. If we were, there would definately be limited room at the psych ward! lol But anyway. You have to understand that OCD can come at any age, and you saying that something in your mind "snapped" makes me think that things have been building up in your sub-concious for a long time. You have to realize that OCD is our sub-concious way of smacking us in the face to get our attention about things that are bothering us that might have otherwise gone unoticed. Even Little Zanyone said it herself:

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleZanyone

I was walking from one room to anouther then like out of knowwhere it felt like someone hit me alone side the head and I had my very first OCD - anxiety whatever ya want to call it.

And having violent thoughts, thoughts about suicide, thoughts about germs, contamination, so forth an so on are very common for having OCD. Remember that thoughts are just thoughts and having them cannot hurt you or anyone else.

As for you saying that you feel disconnected with your real thoughts, that's also quite common in OCD, it's called having disassociative thoughts. Basically it's a response to your brain being on overloaded with all the thoughts that OCD brings on. Your mind doesn't want to take it anymore or think about it so you go into a fog and think reality is not reality, or it's a dream, or whatever. It's your minds way of saying, "That's it!! I've had it with this OCD and I'm going to protect myself."

As anyone here will tell you, start with some medications (light doses) and get into see a cognitive beahvioral therapist. They'll be able to monitor your progress with medications as well as help you to understand where these thoughts come from, and what purpose they serve. Then again I can tell you what purpose they serve. They keep us in check and get us to pay attention to emotions were having that might have gone unoticed before.

Good luck to you!

faracrossthesea · 10-24-2006, 07:33 PM

Thank you for your responses, it helps and makes sense. Just hard to see the sense during these attacks. I feel anxious all day it seems. I need to start running again. I read diet and exercise really help anxiety. I'm trying to steer away from medication unless I'm at the point of being in an ER again.

I need to get better help than what I have. I had a therapist who just wanted to chat like friends and I need someone to challenge me and actually look into the problem instead of at it. I also think better therapy could help me solve some stress issues- I tend to not handle it well.

I'm personally trying to direct my focus on what I did GOOD instead of what I think I will do BAD. Saving some change each day in a jar for a charity you like and donating it, getting a box for a local animal shelter and taking in their wish list...anything but these goofy thoughts torment me.

Thank you again. I appreciate it.