I don't know anymore - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Reikon · 10-23-2006, 04:53 PM

Hi,

I just don't know anymore honestly.... but let me explain the problem that i am having.

I have by no means ever been a violent person. People would tease me or hit me and i would do nothing about it. I could never imagine hurting anybody, even in my dreams i was never able to do harm.

But recently for about 1 and half years now i have been having these obsessive thoughts about harming others, and the gripping fear that follows it.

I feel as though i hate the people around me the world disgusts me through its actions. I never used to care and like many of you i love my family. <some i do have resentment against but i try to not hold it against them>

I used to spend every waking moment with my girlfriend in the beginning and now i can't seem to stand to be around her or even talk to her on the phone long. She has only ever cared for me and loves me to a fault i'm sure of.

I loved scary movies they are and were great but i can no longer enjoy them.
I love video games with passion i collect and enjoy them thoroughly along with anime and manga, and have always wanted to be in the industry.
However, now i feel as though i am afraid i am adicted to them and will go crazy and believe i am in one. I by no means feel i am adicted i have nothing to do and only play around 6 hours a day usually at night when i have nothing to do. but that length of time is usually for Online games, seeing as many things take hours to accomplish. I have canceled my game accounts twice now but it is something that i enjoy and is part of who i am.

I worry about watching T.V in the same way murderous shows freak me out because i thinkn am i like that or do i believe i could want to do that.

I think about wierd things that are rediculous like Gay stuff with guys or it is very embarasing and i have come close to blows with myself but Kids. i have strong morals against these things and in no way want to do them, but the thought and fear and feeling that i do is there or atleast the worry that i feel that i do <confusing> sexual thoughts are at no limitations when i start to worry. This is just a recent thing however and has only been going on for a few months.

I am currently a college student in iowa studying yes you guessed it I.T to follow suit with my hobby/addiction. Funds are scarce being i am poor i have no financial support and have no i dea where to get them no co-signers ect.
and i drive 60 miles to school and back making it 120. All that i'm trying to do is better myself. i mean there are things in the past that i have done wrong and i fear that i will feel so guilty i will walk around blurting out these things.

I am honestly not even close to being Done telling you the things i think and worry about Religion worried about thinking about the devil and God being mad at me things.

I can't escape who i am and i always think about killing myself but can't do to some small thought in my head that i honestly love life atleast at one point i did. I honestly can't take it my life is falling apart and have no sense of things will change and turn out ok.

The doctor has prescribed me Risperdol but i have a problem with taking medication, i am afraid of it. The side affects or that it will increase these problems Making me hurt others or be some sort of stocker pervert.

I honestly hate myself and wish i don't know.....

But all i do know is this i have only had a happy life for a handfull of years i have never experienced things that i have always wanted to. Climbing moutains learning a new language fishing in the ocean, i know if i could just stop myself from thinking i could be happy i could live and feel that feeling when you just like being alive. when a sunny day runs around and you feel its all going your way and will be fine. To feel truely satisfied that life is maybe not the best but hey damnit i'm enjoying being living.

when self doubt arises and, self worth fades. What is left? where is your light in that darkness? When you don't know who you look at in the mirror. am i not a stranger in my own mind shackled to my thoughts and fears. How does one overcome and save himself and others, FROM himself? when will the tear stained ground Dry and the light appear....... Help?

Reikon
Ryu

Reikon · 10-23-2006, 04:54 PM

I know its long and i am sorry.

steveo23 · 10-23-2006, 06:28 PM

Reikon

Self doubt is the ultimate destroyer, and I can understand you. I see a lot of things that relate to myself in your post... the violence obsessions, the sexuality fears, religious worries, the not knowing who you are anymore, and probably worst of all, the "feelings" that you do want these things and the way that excludes you from so many things that you TRULY want to do in life.

Make no apologies for the length of your post, you probably needed to vent.

If medication is not for you, there are other options. Have you tried therapy? It is probably much more effective than meds. There are also alternative medicines (John's Wort) that you can pick up at health food stores that are at least as effective as some prescribed OCD meds. Speak to your doctor.

One of the things about OCD is that it is unpredictable. It typically waxes and wanes, so the way you feel now is in no way permanent. There was a time when I ended up extremely ill because of my OCD, and did not think I'd ever make it. You just have to stick with it, because while it aint nice, its the only thing you can do. Above all, dont hate yourself... if anything is to blame, it is the illness that makes you feel this way.

Steve

Reikon · 10-23-2006, 07:36 PM

Thank you for posting it is just so hard lately things havn't been going well with my g/f and i hardly make it out of the house/my room.

It is preventing me from working and i just feel worthless and like a truly disgusting person. i don't know any other way to put other than i can actually feel the carzy like it was a physical symptom.

I do take meds i am currently on Wellbutrin and not that i know for sure but this all started around the time i first took effexor.

I guess if at all possible could anyone give me some info on risperdal if they are taking?

I have heard some bad things but also some truly great things.

I just don't want to have the permanent nervice twich the rest of my life and i used to be over wieght and i could not bare being fat again.

There are just some really scary things that it can cause that are iriversable and i would like to hear what people on it feel about it. <not sure if this is where i find that>

And yes i have been seeing a therapist for most of the duration of this.
I have also talked to my Pill doctor and he says there are only bad side effects noticed after long term use.

So anyone that has anything positive would really help.

Also i am sure you all have been this way but sometimes for a little while 4 or 5 days it kinda almost just goes away only to come back and take away my hope. Please i know there has to be something to get me back to me.

BadMalibu · 10-23-2006, 08:02 PM

Reikon-

As I'm sure you know, all of us here can relate to what you're going through. You have to know that OCD is great at robbing us of our happiness and joys about life, but it doesn't have to be this way. OCD tries to protect us, and actually over protect us. OCD goes too far the opposite direction versus a normal person just thinking to themselves, "hey just be careful." No no no. Our OCD has to SCREAM it in our heads until we pay attention, which is what our sub-concious wants. Realize that these thoughts are in your mind to serve a puprose. We as humans put things into our sub-concious and don't pay attention to them. The sub-concious' way of getting to you to pay attention and realize something is bothering you is to flash all of these horrible images in your mind so you take notice.

Medications can help, but they're only as good as the therapy you're getting. I know you said you were seeing someone, but is this person a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, because that's what you need. All a Psychiatrist will tell you is that you have repressed memories of sexual or physical abuse from when you were a kid, which in my mind is total BS.

Stick with your therapy, and try some different medications. Your Doctor will be able to help you and guide you through which medications might work wel for you, but make sure you keep in contact with your Doctor so you can keep him updated with your progress.