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Old 11-01-2006, 03:22 PM   #1
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artsykid HB User
Just need to talk to people who "get it"

Hey, I have visited these boards on and off for about 3 years now. They really helped me with my last "bout" of OCD. I have had it as far back as I can remember. And in all kinds of ways - washing and checking when I was younger....BDD in my teen years.......self harm now. The one I have today (lately they've been changing just about every day for me) is that I am going to harm myself somehow...like by pulling my eyes out ( I know - gross). I use to have this same obsession when I was around 8 years old and once I ran to my mom crying and tried to explain to her what was wrong, she didn't get it. Then I find myself touching my eyes, or putting pressure on them like I am going to do something which makes my heart race and makes me feel like I am going to be sick. Is that normal? A few years ago I thought I might kill myself - didn't really want to but thought "what if I snap and do it". Thats how I feel today.
I am on meds.....40 mg of prozac....which really helped me for about a year and a half but then I decided to get off of them for 2 months...then got back on 20mg for 2 months...and then yesterday I went back and got it upped to 40mg again. I don't know if I am having an attack because of that?
Also lately, I have had an obsession with death - Like about what happens after we die. Anyone else have this? I will look up stuff on near death experiences, etc. Then Ill obsess about it for hours. Then I freak myself out to a point where I get "depersonalization"
I could go on and on and I don't really want to bore you all with the details. Its just hard to talk to people about it - and especially people who don't have it and your close to (like my bf of 5 years) or my Mom. My mom just gets really upset and my Boyfriend says " I dont know what to tell you, or just "great" " I dont blame him really though - Id be sick of hearing it to if I were him.
I always get this way this time of year for some reason..and I live in S. FL> so its not the "winter blues". Just something about this time.
Thank you all for listening to me and any input or help I would really really appreciate.

 
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Old 11-01-2006, 11:44 PM   #2
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steveo23 HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

Hey

Dont despair too much, you come across as pretty typical OCD. I can say I've been through a lot of the things you've experienced personally.

OCD is all about possibilities, and that is what this illness ultimately boils down to. "What if I self harm?" "What if I lose it and kill myself?" It's all about risks. Most people never concern themselves with risks... which is why OCD can be hard because we have trouble interpreting all this and it magnifies these risks in our minds. Sometimes OCD can extend to impulse control, like the things you do with your eyes. I had costochondritis (inflamed chest wall) not so long ago, and I delayed it from healing because I was constantly putting pressure on my ribs for a reason that was beyond me. So yes, this is normal.

A lot of people with OCD tend to think spiritually and have an abstract view of things. I sometimes think this more to do with their level of intelligence (which is generally very high) rather than their OCD. So the obsession with death/afterlife is not strange at all (and is far from uncommon). It's something most people think or worry about, but our OCD drives us overboard on it. I went through a stage of the "death" thing, and it IS troublesome. Depersonalization is not a nice experience... but it is a vital coping mechanism your brain induces when you try to overload it with too much. It's your head's way of reducing stress and anxiety. Its telling you to quit thinking so damn much.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel you cant talk to people close to you... it's the same with me. Only an OCD sufferer could ever fully understand what it is like.

This may all be down to the meds at the moment... especially if you have been stopping and starting them. SSRI drugs have quite a powerful effect on the nervous system, and in turn the brain, so it all takes to time to adjust in there.

Well, I hope you feel better about things soon. I'm sure things will settle down once the meds have taken full effect.

Steve

 
Old 11-02-2006, 06:09 AM   #3
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artsykid HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

Hello. Thank you for your response. I woke up thise morning and told myself it would be a better day and I wouldnt think about my eye thing. But yeah, that just made it worse...and I keep putting pressure on them to a point where it starts to hurtthen I panic and stop. What is wrong with me????? I know that people with OCD never follow through with their obsessions....but I feel like me putting pressure on my eyes is sort of like "following through"...I'm scared I'm actually going to hurt myself. I am at work today and I feel like I am going to puke.....I have so much anxiety about this and it is so stupid. I have a fear of being blind so maybe that is where this comes from? I want to call my boss and tell her I am sick but I am afraid that going home and being alone will make it worse. I have noticed that it comes on strong when my boyfreind whom I live with goes away on trips (4-7 days at a time). Usually - but not always- when he is home I am okay.
Question about the meds.....I was on 20 mg of prozac so I have been taking 2 of those pills everynight to equal 40 mg. My new prescription....which I havent filled yet...is ONE 40 mg pill (which worked really well for me for abotu a year and a half) is there any difference in the way your body processes two 20 mg pills and one 40 mg pill - even though they are essentially the same?
I am just at a state of panic right now....to go for so long feeling okay then for it all to fall apart so fast. I want to feel better NOW even though I know it will take time I think...what if I snap and do it before I feel better. This is hell and it sucks so much.
I have also noticed....one minute I will feel Okay and the next I wont. Its like up down up down. And my obsessions switch all the time but whatever my current one is I am like this is THE WORST obsession ever - why can't I just go back to being obsessed with death. Then if I do go back to that Im like this is THE WORST ever....why cant i go back to the eye thing.
I just need help and support....are there any sayings you can tell yourself to make it feel better? I just want to sleep to make my mind stop.

 
Old 11-02-2006, 06:14 AM   #4
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FSUgirl HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

I don't have much time right now to write, but wanted to let you know that we have TONS in common.

I too live in south florida and i'm going through the same obsession with worrying about killing myself. i used to see images and have "urges" but those have gotten much better since my meds were increased. but now i'm suffering with: "what if i really do want to kill myself", "what if i lose judgement and do it". i also try to put thoughts in my head to see how i react to them to see if they scare me, etc...i hate when i do this because it only gets me more worried and then i obsess about it. i'm having a difficult time accepting that i really have OCD and am not suicidal...i know that in itself is OCD, but when i'm in the cycle of obsessing that just doesn't help much.

does this sound like you ?????

 
Old 11-02-2006, 07:04 AM   #5
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artsykid HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

Yes, that does sound like me. Did you know there is an OCD help group in Ft. Lauderdale? They met last night and I almost went but I didnt cause I was scared that going may trigger my OCD more. Dont know which part of S. Florida you are in... Right now my obsession is more self-harm than killing myself...but I have been there and it was hell. This self-harm thing is hell too though...its like my brain is on the repeat button and I cant get it to stop - which I dont understand cause the meds usually help! Yeah, when I had the suicidal thing I went to a councelor at my school and tried to expalin...listen i really dont WANT to kill myself, but I am just scared I will. Imagine tring to expalin that to someone....he is a councelor but he didnt seem to get it then wanted to check me into the hospital! I ended up doing to a Dr. who did get it...and who I still see...but doeosnt really like to just sit and talk - just give me meds. Sigh..... I HATE this. And I use to think of every way possible I could kill myself. What if I drive to a tall building, go up and jump off? What if I take all my meds at once? (once made my boyfriend take them away from me), Even in Bathrooms....I would sit in there and think....how could I do it in here? I could fill the sink up with water and drown myself. Then I would come out shaking and crying and my poor boyfriend, bless his heart...is like..what is wrong???? I have a great life so I don't really know why i ruin it with this type of thinking but I guess I cant help it. I, like you, doubt myself. I think maybe I am not OCD and I really am a self-harmer, and I am going to gouge my eyes out. I just want it to go away so bad. I have been at work now for 2 1/2 hours and I have gotten NOTHING done cause I am obsessing and looking stuff up on the internet and trying to convince myself it will get better.

 
Old 11-02-2006, 07:58 AM   #6
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Bysshe HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

I've had multiple anxiety disorders for many years. OCD is the worst, it's very tough to fight off the unwanted thoughts and obsessions. You're sooooo not alone. I remember this one thought (by the way, I've had thoughts of hurting myself and others just like you do; it's scary as all hell, but usually people don't act on it) I used to have...I'd be driving on the highway, doing 100km+ (60mph+) with people in the car...friends, family...and thinking about what it'd be like to suddenly just crank the wheel to the side and roll the car at such a high speed. I knew I'd never do it, but the thoughts are so vivid (do you actually picture hurting yourself when you're obsessing? Like actually see the images?) and it scared the daylights out of me. I was wondering, well, if I'd never do such a thing, why the hell am I even thinking about it? Does that mean that yeah, I actually WOULD?

NO. It does NOT. It doesn't mean you're crazy or a bad person. And it doesn't mean you're going insane...that's what OCD is. I kinda liken OCD to that friend you had in school who was always trying to get you to do bad things; you knew he/she was a bad influence and you never gave in to him/her, but you still would wonder what it'd be like to actually do the things he/she is pressuring you to do. For someone who has what we have, that's NORMAL!

Fighting off the thoughts is tough. I still have dozens (hundreds on my bad days!) of thoughts every day. Most of them are those irritating ones that aren't necessarily scary...but the ones that are scary can be debillitating. I know exactly how you feel (I "get it"!). I really, really think you need someone to talk to about it on a regular basis (as in professional). If that's totally impossible, go online and search for help lines and groups around where you live. Keep in mind that the groups don't have to be primarily OCD...panic, anxiety, and depression often accompany OCD (I've been professionally diagnosed with ALL of those ) and can also be of help to you. And there's this board & all of us too if you need to vent!

 
Old 11-02-2006, 02:55 PM   #7
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FSUgirl HB User
Re: Just need to talk to people who "get it"

Oh...i had that driving off the highway obsession along with others all at the same time. that one was pretty bad though and so real feeling. it was almost like an "urge" feeling. the worst part is that i always have my son in the car and we drive on the highway everyday so it was just awful !!!!!! i would actually see it happening and i would wonder and analyze how i would feel if i really did it. talk about anxiety...yuck !!!!!!that obsession went at the same time as my fear of knives and hanging myself. i would actually "see" these things happening to me and was paralyzed with fear that i was going to do it. those days are behind me, but know i left with..."what if i really want to do those thing", "what if i really want to die?". if i let myself, i would test myself all day long about that. it's soooo annoying !!! it helps though to know that i'm not alone.

 
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