I would have never even thought I had OCD until my Psychologist suggested it last night. I just started seeing a psychologist again after 6+ years.I was formally diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar 2. My current doc thinks that it's not bipolar but moreso GAD, clinical depression, and OCD. I COMPLETELY believe the GAD as I am constantly stressed out and anxious over everything. I get panic attacks (hyperventilating, heart palps, cold sweats, blackouts, the works) on a regular occurence (daily) over the slightest of things. Like I'll hear a sound while I'm driving and think that my van is going to break down, a tire is going to blow, or the van is on fire (this is a big fear for me). Or I'll drop my kids off at daycare, know that I did but halfway through the workday I'll freak out thinking I left them in the van.
But last night my doc was asking me some things that I do and to explain them. I make lists for everything. I'll go over my grocery list at least 4-5 times before I go shopping. I make a meal list out. I go over my budget (which is set for 6 months in advance) at least once a day.
I'm obsessive over people and thigns to the point I have to find out everything about them/it and it consumes all my time and energy for weeks on end. For instance, I'll hear a song on the radio and everytime I'm driving I'll constantly scan the radio just to hear that song. I'll buy the cd and listen to that one song for hours on end, over and over again. Crazy things like that.
I have to check the windows and doors to ensure they're locked several times a night because I'm afraid of the dark (or moreso what's in the dark...which is a huge anxiety factor for me). I have to have at least one light on in the house and doors to unused rooms closed when it's dark. Every little sound at night wakes me and I lay there starting to have a panic attack, worrying that someone is in the house (I've never had anything bad happen in the dark, never been robbed, nothing). I can't look at a window when it's dark and th eblinds and curtains have to be closed, for fear that someone is looking in.
I always have this sense of impending doom. I always have a heavy weight on my chest like something bad is going to happen. I feel like I have to brace for it and it becomes this obsessive thought to figure out what it could be that will happen. And I'm a hypochondriac to no end. I didn't think I was until last night. I started listing all the things I thought was wrong with me to the doctor and then looked at my list. Boy if I had all the things wrong with me I thought I did, there's no way I'd be a functioning person in society!
Sorry this got so long but I really just wanted to see if y'all thought this was OCD (as people having been there done that) or if I'm just a kooky person (hoping I'm just kooky
). I mean, I believe my dr when he says that but don't you think I would have known I had this long before now. I'm almost 28 years old and I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Thanks for any advice and to just let me know I'm not alone!
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