Feel so guilty!!! - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

karimah1 · 11-04-2006, 08:41 PM

I have had ocd as ever since I can remember. The obsessions have changed through the years, age 8-12 I worried about getting cancer. I remember one Christmas my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me because I was so depressed and they would get irritated when I said it was because I was sure I had bone cancer (read an article about a child contracting this form of cancer).

Age 12-18, Worried that I might become gay but mostly worried about if other people thought I was gay. I also worried about AIDS continously.

Age 18 till now I worry that I may have violently harmed someone and blocked it out. Terrifying!!!

My childhood was very scary in the home, Very angry dad who blew up all the time and was so scary to me I would literally panic when I would hear his key in the door and though he did not hit us kids very often, he would go after my mom and either force her from the house or hit her.

I was so frustrated as a child that I acted out by tantrums and I also treated my brothers and sisters horribly. I used to hit them and just be so awful to them. I have felt such guilt over this that I cannot stand myself sometimes. I have apologized over and over to them but I cannot get over the guilt.

I get angry now but I can control my anger and know that I would not be violent with anyone and then I start thinking well how do you know, if you have hit people in your past, its just a matter of time before you do it again ( I have not hit some one since age 15 and I am in my mid 30's) then it gets real scary because then I think maybe you have been violent with someone since you have been an adult and have blocked it out. I am so scared that this is the case and feel so guilty. I feel sometimes like I don't deserve to have a good life and that I am this horrible person that hasn't paid for their crimes and do not deserve to get better.

Has anyone had anger problems associated with their ocd as kids? Did they have behavior problems as a result?

I would be thankful to hear from people who understand.

FSUgirl · 11-05-2006, 05:27 PM

I just wanted to send you a response...i saw your other post and didn't want you going to sleep thinking that you are a bad person. I can't totally relate to what you are going through, but I had awful violent intrusive thoughts towards my son who is now 18 months and let me tell you...the guilt was awful. once i was able to gather enough info on ocd i allowed myself to let go of it and i realized that i had those thoughts stick because they were so not me.

the way i try to look at it is the past has already happened...nothing you can do about it. the future is still to come, but the present time is what we are living and what counts. use each day to start over, think of it as a new beginning to your life. what happened yesterday oh well...it's done and over with. today is a fresh start. you can't change the past but can do better now !!!!!

FSUgirl · 11-05-2006, 05:29 PM

one more thing...i saw that you said that you don't deserve to have a good life. so NOT TRUE !!!!!! Just the fact that you are on the board trying to get help shows what a good person you are. someone who did those things with no guilt is different. you feel bad and you are truly sorry for what you did. there is a difference. everybody deserves the chance to have a great life !!!!!! let yours start now.

sdc1213 · 11-05-2006, 11:32 PM

I can totally understand everything you're going through. I'm currently 19, with a father who's an alcoholic, mother who has cancer, trying to figure out what I'm going to do the rest of my life. The funny thing everything that you worried about, at one point is what I worried about.

It started when I was 14 I thought I had cancer on-going for about a year until I got the help I needed. I had obsessions and scary thoughts of hurting myself and hurting others. I had to stay away from sharp objects because I thought I would try to cut myself (even though I've never hurt myself or anyone else)

Since all the stress in my life is high today, I'm having about 5 panic attacks a day and have a hardcore obsession that I might be gay. The funny thing is I don't get turned on to males only to females. I always feel depressed and my sex drive has dropped from everything that's going on.

I too have guilt that is brought on by my youth. Hitting my mother because I didn't know any better because of my household being vulgar and violent. Everytime I sit down and think about my childhood I become guilty because of it.

It's helpful to hear that other people have these types of problem and know what you're going through.

MissyS · 11-06-2006, 09:02 AM

I can totally relate to what you are going through! I was a very angry child for numerous reasons; my father was an alcoholic and though he never physically hurt us, he was verbally abusive (especially towards my mother), I went through a very tough "awkward phase" in junior high- overweight, bad skin, low self esteem - I never felt that I was worth much. I took this all out on my mother and brother- even though they didn't deserve it. I was awfully mean to my brother, calling him horrible names, getting in physical fights. I just wanted him to feel as awful as I did. I was also horrible to my mom, I would throw things at her or break meaningfull things she had given me. I'm STILL racked with guilt over these things.

I have suffered from OCD my whole life, but looking back, I don't think these angry, physical tendencies were from my OCD, they were a product of the life I was living at the time. I acted out because I didn't know what else to do. And I believe that's true for many people who had things going on at home as children. I do believe its the ocd that won't allow me to forgive myself. I have apologized to my brother and mother many times over and I know that they love me but the guilt is still there.

What I try to remember is that I can't change the past. I have acknowledged and apologized for my past behavior but that part of my life is said and done. I can learn from it and grow. Although the guilt still is a part of me, I remind myself that I am doing what I can to move past it and even make up for it.