FSUgirl

to be honest with you, those thoughts came at the beginning of my postpartum ocd struggle and i didn't know what was going on. the thoughts scared me, but at the same time i still had some grasp that they weren't really me and that no matter how real they felt i wasn't going to do it. for some reason i was able to let the thoughts be there but i really didn't look too much in to them...now what came next were the same thoughts except about myself. when i was having the thoughts about my son i actually TRIED to think them about me instead and that is what ended up happening. well that was almost a year ago and i am still trying to overcome these thoughts. so i'll tell you how i'm getting through these thoughts, because i have found that the content of the thoughts doesn't really matter, we all feel the same way regardless.
first of all i am on 200 mg of zoloft. before the thoughts came i was on 50mg for postpartum ocd, but when the ocd kicked in it took 200mg for the thoughts to get some what in control.
from there i at least didn't have the "urges". i think it's really a feeling of total fear, but to me it felt like an urge to act on the thoughts. but what was left were the one million "what ifs". the main what if that i still struggle with is the "what if i really do want to be dead?". so how i'm getting through that is by allowing the thought to be there and NOT analyzing, questioning, etc...now it's been about 4 months of working on this and i can finally say that my days are pretty much free of obsessing. certain things set the thoughts going, but i'm able to move on.
the first thing i had to realize is that it is truly OCD. once i was able to grasp that i gained my confidence back in myself and could then tackle the thoughts head on. if you still have the "what if it's real and not ocd" then that is the first thing you need to come to terms with. you obviously have ocd since the thoughts scare you...no now try to move on to allowing the thoughts, but telling yourself, it's okay, i know what this is, it's ocd and the thoughts are not real. they are only thoughts, they can't hurt me or my son. i'm a good person who doesn't like these thoughts, therefore i know everything is going to be okay.
then keep yourself very busy with things you enjoy doing...i find that when i'm doing the activities with my son, like our music class, playgroup, etc...the thoughts never come to me...why???? because i have better things to do, i have my life to live. so if you can keep yourself involved in things that will help.
now there was a time when no matter what i was doing a thought would come...it seemed like at the happiest times the thought would come "what if i would rather be dead" and over and over i would get stuck on it and have to "prove" to myself that i wanted to be alive. this could take hours and only left me more anxious and confused. so now, after months, i'm able to have the what if and then force myself to think about somekthing else.
is this easy??? no way. i won't even lie and tell you it is. i struggle each day with hit. but it is possible to feel better. before i found message boards i thought i was alone with these certain thoughts, but finding and communicating with people who know how you feel is a major part of getting better. so i know how you feel and by doing the hard work now, you'll feel better in the end.
have you tried self help books??? those can give some ways to get yourself to move on from a thought.
sorry for rambling...i guess my best advice to you is to not give in to analyzing and questioning your thoughts. the more you do the more they come and the longer they stay. i know it is so tempting to do it. i thought if i could just prove to myself one time that i KNOW i want to be alive then i will be cured...well that doesn't happen. there is no magic thought that will take away the ocd. you have to allow the thoughts to be there and not give them the time of day. you are a good mommy and just remember that the thoughts are a symptom of ocd, not you !!!!!!!!!

i hope i helped a bit !!!