tunafish1946

Hi,
This is going to be long because I can relate to your story in a lot of ways. I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and we moved in together after one year, when we graduated from college. After we graduated is when my obsessive symptoms came back in full force. Not only was I experiencing similar obsessions as I had when I was much younger, about incest, pedophilia, etc., but obsessions began about our relationship, like "I don't really love him" and "I might as well just end this because I'm fooling myself" and "I'm just going to have to leave and move in with my parents because our relationship isn't good because of me." I actually at one point became physically so anxious and afraid of seeing him because I was so terrified of what would run through my head that I could hardly stand to be around him or touch him. I grew very depressed and could barely, barely function and had occasional thoughts of suicide. I began seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, both of whom I still see regularily, and I am on medication. That started about seven months ago. The thoughts have gotten better for awhile, there have been points where I wasn't doubtful or concerned in the least, and I felt totally and completely in love and committed, as I did before we moved in together and everything fell apart. As of right now, I'm having doubts and thoughts that are almost all-consuming. I think because of the medication I'm not emotionally as disturbed about it as I would have been before, but I still obsess and then obsess about obsessing. It will start with one thought, like "I don't love him anymore," or "he's not attractive," which wil set off a chain of thoughts trying to rationalize or explain my thoughts and drive me crazy until five minutes pass where I'm actually distracted. Sometimes I get annoyed or angry with him, like it's his fault that my mind isn't right. We plan to move in a few months, although to where we don't know yet, and I'm already anxious and scared that these obsessions will continue and I'll be miserable the next place we live. They cloud reality and only muddle my true feelings, because I know I'm so lucky to have him, that he's so wonderful to me and still loves me even through all of my pain and troubles. Sometimes I don't think I'm worth being with. I've explained to him my problems although not what my thoughts are because I don't want to hurt him, and he takes it seriously and is supportive of everything I do. He tells me he loves me all the time, and would do anything for me, and I feel so upset and guilty because of these thoughts. I'm also afraid to tell other people about them because I'm scared of hearing "well maybe you don't love him." Or "maybe you shouldn't be together." I'm crying as I write this because it's so painful to think these things all the time. You're not alone.