I havn't posted on this forum in ages , first and foremost i'm too scared to do so because i revisit the terrible feelings i experienced while going through relationship ocd and worring about my sexuality.
I know we can't talk about that in this forum so i won't , but i must say at the time it almost crippled my life my relationship , my health and me as a person. I broke up with my gf 3 years ago ( now with GOD'S help the help of my psych and my will we're getting married ) because i kept doubting how i felt about her , it was traumatic for her and myself.
I thought i wasn't in love with her , i noticed all her faults ( as no one is perfect ) and kept worrying about them, thinking she wasn't the one for me. i would look at her to test if i felt anything ( butterflies ) and usually i didn't.
This freaked me out , we argued , we cried , i'd wake up at weird hours ,
i confessed and eventually i broke down thinking she wasn't for me. I
essentially pushed out the love of my life and it was a terrible experience for me because deep down i loved her but ocd was telling me and made me feel ( and still does ) like i didn't . Like i said what freaked me out is that it reallly felt like i didn't love her , and when i would ask people they would say ohh you probably don't love her ( not knowing that i had ocd or what it can do to me ) . Whilst on our second break i had a thought maybe i don't love women and maybe i just like men. From this day i spiralled further into depression , i hated work , i was scared and had no one to turn to except GOD. Everyday i would prey hoping i could figure myself out , but let me tell you GOD will only help those who help themselves. I visited 2 psychologists who did help but didn't know enough about ocd to understand it and help me recover.
Then one day i met a psych who was very experienced with ocd , at the time i though i had it but i didn't believe it was bad and was the cause of me thinking this way. This psych even has ocd himself and has spent a decade researching and writing books about ocd. He told me that what i was going through was ocd and that he had dealt with many people like me and alot had recovered, i still doubted him and it took 2 weeks for me to realise that i had ocd and was the cause of all this , it was such a relief.
The professor was expensive but i knew health both mental and physical happiness and well being was priceless so i paid and am still paying for his help. I can no say that i don't worry so much about being attracted to guys , as i know i'm not like that, i can now say that i don't worry so much about doubting my feelings for my fiance, things worry me everyday but i no longer feel so depressed , i do have my ups and downs and back then luvox also helped me step away from it all and did help me start recovering. Guys i feel better, and although i'm scared that just because i wrote this something bad will now happen to me i want to give you and not only you but me hope. Hope that you can do this. All you need is belief in God , i'm not a preacher but it helped me , you also need to move on through the toughest of times and not give up until you start feeling happy again , start feeling normal again, try whatever it takes to make you happy, if your meds aren't working ( cautiously ) take others, if your psych isn't working find another or a specialist in ocd ( very important ) and do as much research as you can because if you don't do it know one will. You know what is making you upset so fix it! weather it is relationship ocd , fear of death , fear of aids anything please get help.
Turns out i've had ocd my whole life and at times it has got the better of me , when i was a kid i ate soap so my brother wouldn't die -- ocd will make you do anything to get rid of that depressing feeling , fight it and don't give up. To this day is still have doubts but i must say they are under control , and my fiance and i still argue at times and again sometimes my ocd makes it so much worse because it magnifies everything but please keep chipping away and find happiness because you deserve it.
I only wrote this post because a member wrote an inspiring post when i was really down , it not only gave me hope but helped in my recovery , yes it might come back but God is with me and i just have to keep trying
Don't give up, the glass is half full...
The Following User Says Thank You to Cozimafighta For This Useful Post: carolinagirl198 (07-03-2012)
Wow, that post just about saved me. I've got that relationship OCD and it's killing me. Have gone through the full spectrum of feeling i need to break up but not sure why; being distraught that i might break up; and now finding faults in everything and just being generally allergic to her. I know I have OCD but it just feels like I don't love her right now.
Can you tell me how you managed to recover? What mental techniques did your psych help you with? What meds? I've just started CBT and the guy seems good. Started meds about 3 weeks ago and think i notice an improvement.
Going away for a week with my family this weekend. And i just can't wait to get away from her. so sad...
Thanks for the great post. That has really helped.
Mate, I felt exactly the way you did , and it was soo bad ! i felt so sorry for her but at the same time i had to do what i thought was best for me and her
( so i broke up with her twice ) , but i noticed that when i did break up with her , i still didn't feel like i loved her only i got really depressed ( because deep down i loved her but i believed my doubts ) . Mate unless she's some freak creature that you can't get along with ( someone who takes drugs , abuses you etc etc ) then i would recommend you don't do anything at this stage. I probably wouldn't even trust your own judgement at this stage , at least not until you can think more clearly and you won't know that until you see someone who can help you with this problem and don't give up until you start feeling happy again. Right now your looking at this relationship through ocd goggles. If i were you i would seek the help of an ocd specialist who deals with relationship ocd, that helped me and so did luvox , also i preyed and put my faith in God - now i'm off the meds and i still have doubts but they don't bother me and i'm in love with my fiance even though at the time i felt i couldn't stand her. I would hate her voice , her calling me on the phone , i would sometimes even think she looked buttt ugly. And this was such a terrible thing because truth is she is beautiful , and yes sometimes people can get annoying but now it doesn't bother me soo much. Remember ocd magnifies everything 1000 and makes it all seem worse, it will throw anything at you to send you into a panic and convince you that what you doubt is real! i like to look at ocd as the devil! also it's the DOUBTERS disease , you will doubt everything and what's worse is that you feeeeeel what your thinking is real. Please take you gf to the psych you're seeing and don't give up until you become happier and this gut wrenching feeling goes away. Also read up on relationships, you'll find what your going through is something eve happily married couples experience ONLY YOUR'S SEEMS SO MUCH WORSE BECAUSE OCD IS MAKING IT 1000 TIMES WORSE! ALSO look up frank168 on the forum read his story it was amazing , funny how we're all the same! talk soon pal
the other thing is i knew i had ocd , my own psychologist tells me this everytime i go in , the thing is you can have the whole world tell you it's your ocd and not your real feelings , people can talk until they're blue in the face but you still won't believe them , that is the power of ocd . The hardest thing for me was trying to get rid of those feelings , even though ( and till this day ) i knew i had ocd i still felt the same way , but eventually that wore off alittle and with the help of God and my psych , i'm recovering . Recovery though means that you just have to deal with it and trust that it's ocd , when you understand this you will start feeling better but don't be scared if it comes back then goes , this does happen! but you begin to develop a tolerence to it and don't care so much! ( excuse the spelling )
Man, I really appreciate your kind words. It's so reassuring to know somebody else has been through this thing (even though i know reassruance is a dirty word around here).
Sometimes i just can't believe it's really happening. I mean having something called "relationship OCD" just seems so improbable, so bizarre. I think i'm just kidding myself, and that i'm just too frightened to face up to the reality of a failed relationship. And that if i feel this way about her now then there is no way back. It's a curse.
Wish I had your faith in God - I've just got to have faith in myself. I'll keep re-reading your posts for inspiration.
This is just like reading about myself 4,5 years ago. With the "help" of an unqualified therapist (who weren't a psychologist, he was a student counselor), I ended my 5 year old relationship. I had seen this therapist for several years and when I mentioned to him that my girlfriend suggested me ending my "therapeutic" relationship with him, I guess the therapist felt this as a threat and made me "remove" her. I was totally in his mercy. I was addicted to him because I had to let him decide what was rational and what was not. He was the law.
However, now I know that there is nothing wrong with my personality (as he failed to believe) and that it was my OCD playing around.
I got really depressed after I broke up with her (for a long time, and I didn't manage to meet other girls), but the therapist promised me luck and fortune.
I realize now that she loved me. And I loved her.
When people afterwards asked me why I broke up with her, I couldn't give them an answer.
So this is what can happen if you let yourself be in the mercy / power of an incompetent therapist (who might need therapy themselves).
After my break up I would have a lot of 2-3 month flings. No true girlfriends. When I ended it after advice from my therapist (counselor), I got the OCD logic "it is harmful to your studies to have a girlfriend". So I never got involved on the same level again with any girl.
Now, however I have this bitter taste in my mouth because of the harmful treatment I got for my OCD (I didn't know until last year I had OCD). I have fantasized a lot about harming this therapist/counselor (these aren't OCD thoughts, they are willing thoughts) but of course being the nice guy I am, I would never do that in reality. But it feels good to hurt him in my mind, because of all the damage he cause me and my OCD.
I did hurt her very much when I broke up with her. I guess that if I got her back now, it would be some sort of a miracle. I actually broke up with her twice, and both times the therapist in question was involved. I ended it after 2 years and finally after 5 years.
The girl I was with for 5 year is the best girl I have ever met, and I have met a lot of girls (most of them afterwards).
Is there any chance to explain this to her, now that I know this? How do you think she would react? Do you think there's ANY chance of getting her back?
Hey allhonest, if you still know this girl, and if she's not married, then absolutely yes, i would go after her. I don't know what will happen but it sounds like you still have a chance to salvage this and undo all the crap your OCD caused. Go for it! You have nothing to lose and loads to gain. And good luck!
And thanks for your post. At least it showed me what not to do. I was thinking about splitting up with my girlfriend and was wondering how i would explain it to her and to anybody who asked. The answer would have been the same as you: I don't know; i'm not sure; it just didn;t feel right...
Cozima, I'm glad you gave us an update. I have read your posts in the past and they have helped me greatly as I have been dealing with Relationship OCD for 1.5 years now.
I did the exact opposite what OCD told me to do, and I ended up marrying my husband 3 months ago. It was the best choice I have ever made, but as I expected, getting married did not give me this ultimate "answer" about whether or not I was in the right relationship. In fact the first month of our marriage was difficult for me, as I now thought "oh great, I've trapped myself in a loveless marriage!" And as Cozima stated, the entire world could tell you that it's OCD and not your real feelings, but OCD can't ever let you believe that.
I have also found that my faith in God has helped me tremendously in my fight against OCD. I am doing much much better now than I was 6 months ago. Oh and I also woke up one day in a panic (after we were married) thinking "maybe I really like women and that's why I can't love my husband!!!" But it walked like OCD, talked like OCD, acted like OCD... it was just another way OCD was trying to get at me.
I can totally relate to you guys talking about splitting with your partners and not really having a good reason why. I have often said that it feels like there is some unknown force that is MAKING me divorce my husband even if I really don't want to.
In_dublin, you said:
I think i'm just kidding myself, and that i'm just too frightened to face up to the reality of a failed relationship. And that if i feel this way about her now then there is no way back. It's a curse.
I can't tell you how many times I have had that same obsession - doubted it's OCD and just the truth, thought maybe I was in denial, thought maybe I was just lying to myself and was too scared to break off the relationship, and so on. I just keep reading these same experiences over and over and it has to be OCD. You have to take the risk and treat it as OCD.
I don't know about you guys but the minute OCD happened, I felt as if my entire world had changed and that I would never be the same again. I felt like I would never get back to that place of being in love with my husband. But the thing about OCD sufferers is that we rely so much on emotional experience to tell us if things are right or wrong. We constantly think the answers lie in our emotions, but our emotions are about the most unreliable source of information we can ever rely on. I have found what helps me is to say "I made a commitment and I'm sticking with it."
Thank you Post-It. I really appreciate your kind words. It's just so hard right now. My girlfriend is upset because she thinks I don't love her anymore. I'm having serious doubts (of course!) and that makes it difficult for me to reassure her. I feel like a fraud when anybody asks me how's life, how are things going with GF, etc. I've lost my sense of humour, I've lost all interest in things I'm usually interested in. The whole vibe right now is just rotten. And all I want is to go back to the way things were not so long ago...
I know how you feel, all too well. I was extremely depressed for the first six months I went through this...stopped calling friends, stopped doing the things I loved to do, just basically tried to exist and act normal around my then-fiance while I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. At least you know it's OCD at this point. I didn't even have a clue it was OCD until I'd been dealing with it for about a year. All I knew is that I had this nagging doubt and horrible anxiety, no matter how much reassurance I got from everything/everyone that I was doing the right thing by getting married.
All I can say is that it does get better over time. The hardest part on my road to recovery is accepting that for me, there are no answers, which is very scary. I have to accept that for me, love is a choice and being married is a choice. I keep hoping that one day, maybe many years from now, I will finally know that I did the right thing by getting married.
Thank you to everyone who has posted here, it's so comforting to hear from people that know exactly how I feel. I had a horrible episode today after my boyfriend left for work that left me crying for two hours and practically immobile. It started with nagging doubts and being obsessively critical and spiraled into convincing myself that our relationship is doomed to fail and I'm just scared of leaving. One of the hardest things about suffering through this is trying to explain it to someone else in relatable terms. But unless you've gone through it it's impossible to understand. That's why I come here when I'm at my wit's end and half hysterical with the emotional pain. I refuse to sabotage my life and a relationship with an incredibly loving, supportive man. Maybe this is why half of marriages end in divorce, because it's so hard to separate real feelings from paranoid doubts that foster negative feelings. Health and happiness to everyone.
I just have to add that it makes me so mad, I'm angry at this horrible, twisted little worm that burrows into my mind and turns my feelings to rot and makes me freak out so bad and doubt every decision I make that I just want to crawl in a hole. There, I said it.
I'm so glad with the response from everyone , there are at least 5 people here experiencing this now and i've spoken to at least another 5 in the past , my psych tells me he has seen many people like me and most are doing well now, the rest are trying hard to work towards happiness. The thing is though that's what this is all about , you just have to deal with it and i know it seems impossible because IT FEELS SO REAL AND YOU JUST WANT TO RID YUORSELF OF THIS, BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING. I tell you what though, it makes it a hell of alot easier to speak to someone who treats people like us, who actually helps people like us. As mentioned before it's important you get the right help , this is a special form of ocd that requires special help, i went through 3 psychs and although they helped alittle although none of them really knew how treat this , and many had difficulty understanding what the freak i was going on about in the first place. You would think any psych could help but not all can help , i didn't find the right psych until i went through 3 others, it was only then i started to feel better....also it wasn't only his help , like i said i believe in GOD and prayer and this helped me also, in addition to this i had to my own research, no one is going to help you life is cruel , it's only when you start doing the work things will change. Also try not to make rash decisions because you can lose the most important thing in your life, and you will just repeat the process with your next partner. Ocd is visious this is how i have felt AND STILL FEEL at times.
When i look at my fiance or argue with her these are the thought processes i go through ( the funny thing is almost everyone in a relationship feels the same way as we do and thinks the same to only they don't dwell on it , we do!!!! we take it seriously )
1. She is such a difficult person because she told me off in public and if i leave her then i'll have no problems or she was rude to me and this reaffirms the fact that we shouldn't be together ( we're not compatible ).
2. She looks ugly today and why am i looking at other girls ohhh dear, i should find her attractive all the time!
3. One day i'm going to fall in love with someone else or i won't control myslef and cheat on her.
4. One day i will hit her in the heat of the moment and our relationship is over.
5. When she calls me sometimes i get this sinking freak out feeling like it's a misery talking to her ( this is ocd by the way ) and if i love her i shouldn't be thinking like this
6. When i talk to other women i find myself analysing them and picturing my life with them ( even though i don't even ******* know them ) , it's like i compare and if i see that one woman is doing something my fiance doesn't do then i get reallly upset and think maybe we're not meant to be!
These are afew of the things i think everyday , if i was to tell someone about this they would say mate your in the wrong relationship but know one understands that ocd exaccerbates everything and takes a small passing thought , that almost everyone thinkgs ( in a long term relationship ) to terrorise me.
Be strong , get help and don't give up till you start feeling like your old self again, true you may not ever feel like your old self again but i think life is like that things change , and it doesn't mean for the worse , you take what you have and make it good, everyone goes through this and it's tuff but we have no choice.