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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board


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Old 03-15-2007, 05:01 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: in my mind
Posts: 4
Eazzzzy E HB User
Unhappy I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

Im new here. Hi. I'm 24. About to transfer to a university. Been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Anxiety blah blah and OCD.

I believe it's ALL the OCD thats causing me to be unfocused, anxious, and sad sometimes. I take Adderall XR 10mg and 1mg Klonopin. I will NOT ever again take SSRI's. Soooo many reasons why I dislike them.

Anyway it all started when I was a little toddler and used to sniff my hands and pull my hair out. That stopped as I grew older. Now it's mostly all THOUGHTS. IMPULSES FROM HELL! I don't really get bad thoughts, well i do but i;ve learned how to let them pass. It's the impulsive obsessive "Thought-Lock".

For example, if I think about buying something or saying something, I feel like I have to buy it. Or that I have to say that out loud. Almost like mild vocal Tourette's. At night I have to listen to music to slow my brain down. I also make lists of the most ridiculous things.

I dwell on everything ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! My dad or friends whoever just say, "Quit Obsessing" . which really hurts my feelings and I hate myself for it. I go and take some relax pills or hurt myself. Nobody knows about this but you guys. I just want to accept myself for being like this. Why me? I'm the kindest person ever, I 'm so loving I don't deserve this. I also throw away things to simplify a thought. I threw away some red shirts cause i thought they represented death.

Maybe im bipolar? People tell me I'm so peculiar.

(its worth mentioning my older brother,29, compulsively washes his hands and makes grunt noises. my dad sometimes does as does my sister but very good at hiding it.)

With the way my brain works its like this--->Gotta do homework, no wait draw first, hey a movie, no walk the dogs, make a list... im overwhelmed.

Some days im soo happy. Sometimes I can allow my thoughts to F L O W .

If you have read my venting thus far I sincerely thank you.

/rant

 
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Old 03-15-2007, 06:08 PM   #2
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Eazzzzy E HB User
Re: I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

Thank you alliejazz! I'm glad I found this place. To answer some of your questions...I used to cut myself as a way to punish myself for giving into impulses or doing something wrong I dissaprove of. They tried EVERY medication on me. I mean it to. I tend to self-medicate sometimes just to ease my mind for at least a couple hours.

I get things done on the Adderall. I'm on a low dose because any higher I flip out and start being really strange and obsessive. The Klonopin helps when I have those panic attacks.

Anyway how come I give into these impulses? Another example would be; I'm at a bar with some friends drinking and I want a cigarette but I HATE them, but I do it anyway. Kind of like Vacuuming relieves that stress/thought for a short period of time. I then go home and punish myself or just cry in my room for giving in.

No I don't do counseling anymore. They have all sucked
I just need to suck it up and stop obsessing. As my last Psychologist said, and I quote "your just mind-f***ing yourself!" and said I'm perfectly normal. Maybe I am.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 07:41 PM   #3
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seriousperson HB Userseriousperson HB User
Re: I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

I have ADD and OCD too.
It's a very tough combination.
I know your frustration, obsession and all the other stuff.
I can even relate to the self-punishing stuff which is offset by ideas about how good I am.

Sigh...

And there are So Many worthless shrinks out there.
But there a some who are worthwhile.

I hope you find some professional help.

And here's a grandmotherly hug for the next time a family member unthinkingly tells you to quit obsessing--as if you could.
(((((((((())))))))))
This is a re-usable hug.
Wrap yourself in it whenever you are about to punish yourself for your shortcomings.

 
Old 03-16-2007, 03:14 AM   #4
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allhonest HB User
Re: I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

Be careful about the shrink. Choose one that practices CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) especially geared towards OCD (CBT can actually make OCD symptoms worse if it is used in the classical way of reassuring you of your false cognitive beliefs, rather than doing exposure and accept the uncertainty in which are the goals of CBT for OCD).

Not knowing that I had OCD I went to a student counselor for several years and got "treatment" by him. This included ending the relationship to my girlfriend (after 2 years and then finally after 5 years), and having "exercises" in his office to disown my parents because they were supposedly the reason for my problems. Fortunately my parents are the best in the world and they did the best they could in connection with my OCD.

What I now realize is that talking about your obsessions can really reinforce them. I told my student counselor about my thoughts (ideas and urges that was sort of alien to my reasoning), and tried to find out what these thoughts meant about me as a person. The student counselor judged me to be "mad" or "bad" or "weak" and defined my personality from the obsessions that I told him about. He sort of made my character and personality equal my obsessions. This was extremely threatening to my self worth and self confidence. The term "character assassination" by Dr. Stephen Phillipson comes to mind. Needless to say he made my life 100 times worse and I could only spend 5 days at the most in the city were he lived (because of all the anxiety) before going back to my parents house. It was extremely anxiety provoking to be in his mercy. He had total control over me because I had to rely on him about what was rational and what was not. He became like a father. He sort of removed my biological father and became my guiding star.


Sadly, because he's incompetent and performed harmful treatment on me, I hate him (I never hate people, I am the kindest person I know about!).

Going to him each week and "confessing" my obsessions became a ritual in itself and I started the endless ruminating every time I had seen him. In the end I had to move from the city and start over again and then I slowly (over 2 years) realized what poison he was to my OCD.

So again, it's extremely important to assess your therapist's skills and experience and it HAS to be targeted towards OCD.

I am much better now that I can see these truths, especially about the student counselor. I have been into psychodynamic psychotherapy and while this is not the preferred treatment choice for OCD, it has helped me to see the truth about my OCD and that the treatment i got earlier was harmful.

I have a new life now. I can live by myself for months at a time now. And it is gr8!

 
Old 03-16-2007, 10:08 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: uk
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chester1984 HB User
Re: I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazzzzy E View Post
Im new here. Hi. I'm 24. About to transfer to a university. Been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Anxiety blah blah and OCD.

I believe it's ALL the OCD thats causing me to be unfocused, anxious, and sad sometimes. I take Adderall XR 10mg and 1mg Klonopin. I will NOT ever again take SSRI's. Soooo many reasons why I dislike them.

Anyway it all started when I was a little toddler and used to sniff my hands and pull my hair out. That stopped as I grew older. Now it's mostly all THOUGHTS. IMPULSES FROM HELL! I don't really get bad thoughts, well i do but i;ve learned how to let them pass. It's the impulsive obsessive "Thought-Lock".

For example, if I think about buying something or saying something, I feel like I have to buy it. Or that I have to say that out loud. Almost like mild vocal Tourette's. At night I have to listen to music to slow my brain down. I also make lists of the most ridiculous things.

I dwell on everything ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! My dad or friends whoever just say, "Quit Obsessing" . which really hurts my feelings and I hate myself for it. I go and take some relax pills or hurt myself. Nobody knows about this but you guys. I just want to accept myself for being like this. Why me? I'm the kindest person ever, I 'm so loving I don't deserve this. I also throw away things to simplify a thought. I threw away some red shirts cause i thought they represented death.

Maybe im bipolar? People tell me I'm so peculiar.

(its worth mentioning my older brother,29, compulsively washes his hands and makes grunt noises. my dad sometimes does as does my sister but very good at hiding it.)

With the way my brain works its like this--->Gotta do homework, no wait draw first, hey a movie, no walk the dogs, make a list... im overwhelmed.

Some days im soo happy. Sometimes I can allow my thoughts to F L O W .

If you have read my venting thus far I sincerely thank you.

/rant
hi eazzzzy is there thoughts linked to these compulsions like if you dont smoke sumut bad will happen because thats wots mines like like if i dont wash my hand all the time there will be germs on them n i mite pass it on t someone i know where your coming from its like ocd stops you from doing what you wana do or saying you can do it but after you have done all this irrellevent stuff first apparently cognitive behaviour therepy is good

 
Old 03-16-2007, 07:00 PM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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dannic1 HB User
Re: I Hate This! Im Ashamed To Have It!

Hey there Eazzzzy E -

I would try to find a counselor who you really like and who is compassionate
and warm towards you. I am seeing a counselor who does biofeedback - it is an alternative treatment for a wide variety of conditions i.e. ADD, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. and it can be used with or without the use of medication. It actually increases serotonin in your brain and changes your brain chemistry in a positive way. It would be worth looking into. Find someone who is board certified in it. Don't give up - fight your problems with every bit of strength that you have. My faith in God personally sustains me
and gets me through the rough times. : ) We ARE nice people and I agree
with alliejazz that sometimes we tend to be people-pleasers - at least I am.
You CAN get better, though. Remember that not all counselors are the right ones for us. I personally had one session with an OCD counselor and knew right away that he was not the one for me. Look around until you find
someone who you just know has your best interest at heart.

Good luck and God bless.

danni

 
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