New - Loving this board but still need reassurance

[sarah79]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and am SO very happy to have found this board last night.

Little background about me... I've had OCD on and off since I was in elementary school, though not really back until I was about 17. I've also had bouts of anxiety disorders since I was a teen (I'm 28 now). My OCD issues have became most prevalent when I became anorexic at 19 (became very phobic about a lot of food and non-food related issues, compulsive exerciser) but really cooled off when I was 23 after a head injury due to a car accident. So much more relaxed.

In the last year or so though, things have been getting much worse. Some of my current issues are food phobias (I'm recovered so not due to my eating disorder) raw meat, bones, contamination and the need to check/wash to calm these down, an intense issue with body fluids (doesn't make for very romantic nights ) and germs/diseases - feeling contaminated/fear of being diseased, fear that I'm going schizophrenic, sitting in the same spot (I have MY seat everywhere I go), skin picking/scratching, pulling out my eye lashes and brows and plucking other areas.... etc.

I'm pretty much ok with these things as i can manage them and while they are a pain in the ***, interfere with my life, they aren't that troubling. I'm kind of used to them.

However, about a month ago, I started getting these horrible thoughts - what you guys here are calling 'pure o'.

I have this intense fear for no reason that I'm going to stab my parents to death. The first time that this happened, I had a panic attack. (I have never even hit anyone and I love my parents to death). This 'episode' lasted about 5 days of thinking I was crazy and that I needed to be locked up. Two days ago the thoughts came back, though not as intense thank god, but bad enough to freak me out. I actually told my mom about it yesterday (I am living in their basement as I just moved home from overseas in December) and she wasn't freaked out like I thought she'd be, she said it was probably just stress. Now that I'm here, I'm thinking it's probably more an OCD thing with a twist.

So, for the reassurance part before I bore you all...

1. Do you think this is the beginning of schizophrenia/psychosis?

2. Is there a chance of losing control when these thoughts are around and acting on them?

3. Am I thinking these things because there is something evil in me or I'm really wanting to do it?


Basically, I'm REALLY scared. I don't ever want to cause people harm. I'm in a helping profession and am scared that this will have a devastating impact on my ability to function (just recently got a job and will be starting in 2 weeks). I don't want to go crazy, but feel like I'm losing it. When I get these thoughts, as part of the anxiety, I depersonalize and derealize, which makes it even scarier, because if it doesn't feel real, maybe I'm that much closer to being psychotic and doing it. Anyway, I'm just really tired of being so scared of doing these things at points that I just want to lock myself in my bathroom, curl up in a ball and cry.

Sorry that this is so long. I'm just really frustrated and scared right now.

I'm just thankful that I've found this board and the information that's on it.

Thanks for listening.

Sarah

[steveo23]

Hey Sarah

Intrusive thoughts of violence are actually a very common symptom of OCD. Unfortunately, they do scare the hell out of you, and have a very "real" quality about them. And of course, OCD sufferers are fixated on the idea that they may act out these thoughts, and are absolutely terrified of loosing control. Many people with OCD who have obsessions such as this feel exactly the same way as you do, that this is the beginning of some severe mental illness and they are losing their minds.

Us OCD folks make the mistake of taking some meaning from our thoughts... "am I evil?" "would I really do it?" "is this real?" etc. But thoughts are just thoughts. OCD is ego-dystonic, it has a habit of confronting us with our worst nightmares. OCD thoughts are all the things we really do NOT want to happen. This is why they scare us.

I dont think you need to worry about being/becoming schizophrenic or psychotic. Neither are you crazy and you dont need to be locked. There is in fact nothing wrong with you at all, you just have a nasty anxiety disorder that seems to be playing a bit of a nightmarish trick on you. Your mom is'nt worried, and if there's one thing I know, always listen to mom.

Why dont you go and speak to your doctor about these OCD problems? Its important to look after your mental health, and no one should try and endure these sometimes crippling obsessions on their own.

[seriousperson]

It's my understanding that as long as the violent thoughts are repulsive to you, you are not going to act on them. But I would agree that you should talk to a doctor about them, and your other symptoms too, since they round out the picture of someone suffering from OCD.

[WorldInMotion]

Hey Sarah

You;re in good company..Let me tell you I have had my fair share of thoughts where I literally feared for my life. I would have an intrusive violent thought about myself, a family member, a girlfriend, or a close friend of mine and it would scare the ***** out of me to the point where I thought i would wind up like a psycho on the street corner or in an institution..As long as you recognize how ridiculous a thought would be you're ok, even as distressing as it may be. The more you resist it the more it will come back. You have to learn how (believe me it is tough) to let it slide past you..For example...
I'm with my girlfriend walking on the street to a restaurant..Everything is great, we're holding hands and talking..all of a sudden i get a quick thought of me pushing her into traffic or something along those lines..As abrasive a thought as it is, you just need to let it roll...think of it in a sequence of thoughts..not giving it more power or attention than any other thought..
here's an example of my stream of thought when something like this happens..
"man she is so cute..i really like her..and she likes me too..i hope she stays over tonight..what if i hurt her..what if she poisoned my food..yea well thats pretty absurd, haha..anyway back to her..i hope she stays over.."

it's like u have to neutralize the thoughts..i hope this helped..dont worry, you are perfectly sane, we all are..those who think theyre going crazy have enough insight and sense that it would never happen. People who go crazy don;t know it's happening to them..it's other people who will notice it..You are just hit with some paradoxical ocd thoughts..Take care!

Nick