I'm new here and am SO very happy to have found this board last night.
Little background about me... I've had OCD on and off since I was in elementary school, though not really back until I was about 17. I've also had bouts of anxiety disorders since I was a teen (I'm 28 now). My OCD issues have became most prevalent when I became anorexic at 19 (became very phobic about a lot of food and non-food related issues, compulsive exerciser) but really cooled off when I was 23 after a head injury due to a car accident. So much more relaxed.
In the last year or so though, things have been getting much worse. Some of my current issues are food phobias (I'm recovered so not due to my eating disorder) raw meat, bones, contamination and the need to check/wash to calm these down, an intense issue with body fluids (doesn't make for very romantic nights
) and germs/diseases - feeling contaminated/fear of being diseased, fear that I'm going schizophrenic, sitting in the same spot (I have MY seat everywhere I go), skin picking/scratching, pulling out my eye lashes and brows and plucking other areas.... etc.
I'm pretty much ok with these things as i can manage them and while they are a pain in the ***, interfere with my life, they aren't that troubling. I'm kind of used to them.
However, about a month ago, I started getting these horrible thoughts - what you guys here are calling 'pure o'.
I have this intense fear for no reason that I'm going to stab my parents to death. The first time that this happened, I had a panic attack. (I have never even hit anyone and I love my parents to death). This 'episode' lasted about 5 days of thinking I was crazy and that I needed to be locked up. Two days ago the thoughts came back, though not as intense thank god, but bad enough to freak me out. I actually told my mom about it yesterday (I am living in their basement as I just moved home from overseas in December) and she wasn't freaked out like I thought she'd be, she said it was probably just stress. Now that I'm here, I'm thinking it's probably more an OCD thing with a twist.
So, for the reassurance part before I bore you all...
1. Do you think this is the beginning of schizophrenia/psychosis?
2. Is there a chance of losing control when these thoughts are around and acting on them?
3. Am I thinking these things because there is something evil in me or I'm really wanting to do it?
Basically, I'm REALLY scared. I don't ever want to cause people harm. I'm in a helping profession and am scared that this will have a devastating impact on my ability to function (just recently got a job and will be starting in 2 weeks). I don't want to go crazy, but feel like I'm losing it. When I get these thoughts, as part of the anxiety, I depersonalize and derealize, which makes it even scarier, because if it doesn't feel real, maybe I'm that much closer to being psychotic and doing it. Anyway, I'm just really tired of being so scared of doing these things at points that I just want to lock myself in my bathroom, curl up in a ball and cry.
Sorry that this is so long. I'm just really frustrated and scared right now.
I'm just thankful that I've found this board and the information that's on it.
Thanks for listening.