It really is killing me inside... - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

-Laura- · 05-13-2007, 05:34 PM

Hello there,

Im so glad i have found these forums. For the last few years i have been thinking i am going crazy and insane. Its been killing me inside and its starting to get to the point where i need to tell someone. I cant, hence why im so relieved i have found forums who actually discuss this, and there are people who understand what im about to write and wont judge.

So thank you in advance.

I am trying to convince myself that its just the OCD thoughts, but im having trouble believing it - i keep thinking what a bad person i am, and how guilty i feel.

Whem im sitting in class, i keep having the same thoguhts. When im on a bus, again i have these thoughts. I think about the Columbine High shootings a lot - what they did, how it happened and so on. When in class i often sit and think what would happen if that was to happen right there when i was in class. What if someone in my class had a gun? How would i escape?
I feel more than awful when i think about this. I try to put myself in the position of the victims on that day, i have even imagined myself in the shooters shoes. Please, please tell me this is /"normal" for someone who suspects they have OCD?

I would just like to state that i have no intention -WHAT SO EVER - to carry anything like this out. I just hope i havent given off the impression that i might. I feel digusted with myself afterwards, but still i think about how i would do it, where i would hide etc. (Sorry if i have upset anyone with bringing up that tragedy.)

Another thing i do obsess over is my mother dying. Since my dad died unexpectedly in our house, i find myself constantly looking over my mum. When she goes to sleep, i stand by her door to make sure she is ok and i often wake up during the night and go check she is still breathing. I feel horrible again - i think if i keep having these thoughts about her dying that she will one day - i mean one day soon and that i would have caused that.

I know i should get checked out, i just dont have the courage or strength to. I have been battling this for a few years now, i cant stop it now - its too hard. I just needed to tell someone. I do certain routines too, but i just wanted to post my thoughts here as they upset me the most.
I know this was a long post, but thank you for letting me type it here.

seaturtle · 05-13-2007, 07:14 PM

Hi,

It sounds like some OCD to me. It's quite natural to feel anxious about your mom and about the Columbine shootings, especially in school, so your fears have some real foundations. What's not natural is to obsess about them all the time.
Can you get some help?You said you've been struggling for years - you deserve to have some peace and get better.
Therapy and medications can help a whole lot.
Let us know how you're doing!

seaturtle · 05-13-2007, 07:20 PM

Oh, I forgot: the guilt and feeling that I'm bad is always there. Not guilt over anything specific, just guilt, feeling that I'm no good and a fake, a failure
I think that's a part of the OCD, too, since it's not just once in a while.

some83 · 08-14-2007, 09:29 PM

first of all,i completely understand how you feel--guilty and ashamed,etc. i feel the same. ive never really gone to get help either until just yesterday.i saw a psychiatrist for the first time and i told her some things that i was really ashamed to tell,like how i get obsessed with a person and think about that person ALL the time(even tho im married,and love my husband). and a few other things that i was really embarrassed about. well the outcome was WONDERFUL. psychiatrists here so many "crazy and outrageous" things that something like what you and i have to say is not the least bit shocking to them. she did not blink an eye when i told her what i was so ashamed to tell her. she then said "you have a form of OCD--she said more obsessive disorder than obsessive compulsive disorder) and that i shouldnt feel "crazy",im not going "insane" but that i have a sickness called OCD and that those are the symptoms of it. just as if you had diabetes or something,you would have certain syptoms--its a disease and there is nothing to feel guilty about. but once tell somebody,get properly diagnosed,you can get the right help and maybe find a medication that will help you control your symptoms. she also told me to buy a book called "BRAIN LOCK" i dont know the author but im sure it would be easy enough to find. i hope i helped in some way.

jan54 · 08-15-2007, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seaturtle

Oh, I forgot: the guilt and feeling that I'm bad is always there. Not guilt over anything specific, just guilt, feeling that I'm no good and a fake, a failure
I think that's a part of the OCD, too, since it's not just once in a while.

Dear SeaTurtle:

You are not bad! You were and are always there for those of us who need someone to understand and to encourage us. You have been a lifeline for many of us who have struggled. Angels are just friends without wings that God has blessed us with. Sometimes our weaknesses or crosses are our greatest strengths. They enable us to reach out and help others with insight and compassion. God bless you and all of you on the ocd website!

jan