lithenblithe

I get the rush of anxiety, too. The ocd often feels like waves to me, and I am maybe ten feet into the ocean, standing and watching them come in. Some I can jump over as they pass through, but some are too big and crash over me. Have you ever had that happen in real life? For me, it is scary! I can't tell which direction I'm facing, air is gone, the sound is overpowering, and it seems like I will be caught in the chaos forever. And it's the same with the ocd. Since I'm used to it now, sometimes I can tell when a big wave is coming, and I let myself get caught up in it without fighting. I ask those same questions over and over till they grow and can't stop and overpower me and I basically shut down my outside life as much as possible to give the ocd free rein.

BUT, now that I'm in a wave-free zone, I have incredible motivation to not get caught up again. I've been reading your posts, irishmom, and it seems like you are caught up in a big one right now. I think you are giving way too much power to your thoughts, and they have snowballed out of control. When that happens to me, it no longer feels like I have ocd, because my fears and thoughts become so incredibly real and powerful. But with little baby steps you can strip away their power. Tell yourself that you know these thoughts will not hang on forever, even if it seems they will. Tell your ocd that you will not give up your son, or your enjoyment of him, just to make it happy.

I know that you are not a bad person - in fact, quite the opposite. If you can convince just one little part of yourself right now that you are indeed a good, loving and normal person who is dealing with a disease, it might help you to cope and to begin to move past the shame. It is incredibly tough, and doesn't happen in an instant. And once peace comes, it takes a lot of work to keep it. But it is possible, and I hope so much you find it soon!