Warning: post may cause a trigger
Very long too. I submitted this message as a response to another post that is now bumped to the bottom. so submitting it as a new post.
My harming thoughts are towards my child. My child is 3. One night shortly after he was born he was laying next to me and I heard a voice say "you should kill him". It scared the hell out of me. Unknown to me, I had postpartum depression and anxiety, 2 things I never knew what they were. The harming thoughts started (hanging him by the ceiling fan, throwing him down the steps, anything that popped into my mind). Fast forward 3 yrs later, the thoughts are still here. they're in different images but still present. I've been in therapy, been on several meds that haven't worked. Just started prozac this week. I know I am not psychotic but I still get the killing thought. IMO, it's b/c it's the most vile thought there is. I want to have peace in my brain.
I hope you don't think this is weird or crazy, but alot of times when something happens as an inconvenience or annoyance, I get the killing thought. It goes something like this: I can't find the tv remote control (brain says kill xxxx), my computer is acting up. brain says kill xxxx) I HATE IT!!! I don't have enough time to think, the thought just comes. What the hell is wrong with me to have this vile thought? I am blaming my son for my faults or inconveniences and so I detour my hurtful thoughts onto him. How do I stop?
THerapist says I give it too much power and give myself too much shame over it. How can I not be ashamed?
Can anyone tell me how to let it go? I read another post where it mentioned holding onto thoughts as a security blanket. I know this is what I am doing. If a bizzare way, these unwanted thoughts are part of my daily life and perhaps the brain won't let me release them. I wake up with the thought "kill". Normal people wake up wanting to brush their teeth. My mornings, I wake up, unable to breathe, don't want to get out of bed, panic attack, thoughts going, "kill".
Please don't think I'm a psycho. I know I'm not. I'm glad one part of my brain lets me have that belief.
I know that you are not a psycho. Trust me, I know people that are violent and angry and feel no guilt over their behavior. In my mind, those are the people you have to worry about.
I can somewhat relate to your story, but I won't go into too much detail (because of course I don't want to trigger that again), but about 7 years ago I began having panic and OCD and I was on antidepressants at the time. One night I was watching a TV show about a couple where the wife was on antidepressants and killed her husband and then herself. My husband was laying next to me sleeping and the thought flashed through my head that I might kill him. I think it might have been a voice, but I can't remember. Anyway, I completely flipped out that night, and my husband had to drive me to my mom's house three hours away in the middle of the night because I was scared of being in the house with him alone.
To this day, I don't know how I overcame the thoughts, but I think it was more about accepting that weird thoughts are ever present in my head. The thoughts and the fear will never go away, but that particular thought has no more power over me anymore. To this day, I still won't watch those shows about murderers even though my husband watches them, I can't read articles about murders either, and the worst part is that I have given up the idea of ever having children because I fear that I will have thoughts of harming my child.
I am currently experiencing new problems with obsessing, so I am not a good person to give out advice. My doctor told me that I am hiding behind my obsessive thoughts so that I don't have to deal with the real problems in my life. I know you can overcome this problem because I did once, and I know I will again. Good luck!
God! I feel the same way as both of you. I have those killing harming thoughts a lot. It too makes me think I'm crazy.
It started a few years ago and I had a bad thought about stabbing my mom. I can't even stand to go near knives. I ended up having a panic attack and at first they thought it was just anxiety and because of a chemical imbalance when i stopped my SSRI.
But I actually diagnoised myself and then went to a psychiatrist and she agreed it seems like OCD. Anyway, moving on.
Somedays are good and I'll even go months being OK. Knowing it's OCD. But like recently I had a relapse. I ended up with panic attacks and anixety attacks. Now Im afraid im going to panic again sooo ive been in knots for days.
It's when it gets like this I think OMG it's not OCD. But you have to keep telling yourself it is. Another worry I get is where is the line drawn? How do I know I wont lose control and what if this is schizophrenia? That's been bothering me a lot lately.
thanks for responding. It's reassuring to know that others can relate.
ChanceFL, I know what a relief it is for your thought to go away. But sorry to hear it has been replaced by a new obsession. Use the techniques you know to guide you through it. my therapist told me what you've been told. I am detouring my own issues onto my son so that I don't have to deal with them. THe problem is I have hung onto the hurting thoughts for 3 yrs, i don't know how to let go. I made a deal with myself yesterday to start re-focusing the thoughts. I know it will be baby steps.
syradmb, very sorry to hear how you're feeling these days. I hope the anx will pass. I read the healthboards anxiety message board and there's a post titled, "here's my story, hope it helps". Please read it, it may make you feel better.
Let's conjure up our harming thoughts towards the OCD this time and kill the OCD beast.
your therapist really is right, but not giving any thought and power to your intrusive thought is easier said than done and not feeling shamefull is even harder!!! but you have got to know that the thought isnt you its just the nasty little ocd/anxiety saying the worst thing it could think of to make you anxious. if you research ocd enough you can find out that its all cus of a thing in your brain thats just stuck int he wrong gear, which causes all this thoughts, its not that your sick or twisted.
ignoring the thoughts, not trying to NOT think of them, bu just letting the thoughts wash over you and and go is the best way to disempower them.
its easier said than done, but with support you can learn to do it.
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