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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Just need to vent to peope who understand.

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Old 07-09-2007, 05:46 PM   #1
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artsykid HB User
Just need to vent to peope who understand.

I have pure O. I used to have compulsions when I was younger, but not so much now. I take Prozac...and it helps SOOO much. The problem is, whenever I've been on it for 6 months to a year I convince myself I don't need to be on it anymore. So I quit taking it and about 2 months into it (after the drug has gotten out of my system) my OCD hits me like a freight train! I started taking my Medication 2 weeks ago when this happened... I am slooowwly starting to feel the thoughts diminish just a bit. The thing is, when I've started back on Prozac before it usually kicks in within a week. Do you think there is a reason why its taking longer this time? I have done the stop/start thing about 3 times in the past 3 years.
My obsession right now is... What if I kill myself? My Dad got me a gun for Christmas (we're from the south) for protection. When I opened the box I thought " Oh lord, I know Im gonna start some sort of obsession with this." But surprisingly, I was okay. I even took the gun to a shooting range, to a class, loaded it, shot it, and everything - no problem! I was on my meds at the time. Once the meds tapered out.... one morning I woke up and I was just thinking "You know how easy it would be to just grab that gun and kill myself". Of course, this is the last thing I would ever want to do. I've been depressed before but never to the point of actually wanting to die. So I have morbid thoughts of what it would be like... what it would feel like, who would find me, how would everyone find out? I mean morbid thoughts that go into detail. Can anyone relate to this? I know many people have the thoughts about those that they love...but for's always been violent images towards myself.
I had my boyfriend unload the gun and put the bullets up. Part of me wants to go take the bullets to the range or wherever and get rid of them so that I can't obsess anymore....but I know that that won't make my OCD go away. My obsession will probably just turn to something else. The thoughts weren't as bad today and I'm hoping this means the meds are kicking in. On my way home they got worse (I think because I knew I'd be in the house with the gun). But once I got in and settled, I was okay. My thoughts are also higher when Im in the room where the gun is.
It's almost impossible to talk about stuff like this to people that dont have the disease. My poor boyfriend was baffled. Once I went to counselors at school and told them and they were like...."You need to go to the hospital now" I had to convince THEM that I was probably okay and explain the nature of OCD. That killing myself is really the LAST thing I want to do. Funny thing is when you go to a Dr. that knows something about OCD - they're just like, oh yeah, ok - like they get it all the time.
Well, I just had to vent. Thank you for anyone whos reading, and anyone that has any input I would appreciate it. Especially about the meds and when they should really kick in.
One more thing - sometimes ill speak in nonsense words - just a bunch of syllables strewn together - it doenst make sense and I just do it outload for a few seconds. I have NO idea why I do this and I wonder if it has something to do with OCD?

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Old 07-09-2007, 06:33 PM   #2
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ChanceFL HB User
Re: Just need to vent to peope who understand.

Hi, I just wanted to comment about your obsession with the gun. I also get that way. My husband has a gun, and whenever my OCD flares up, I make him hide his gun. He gets annoyed with it, but he's getting used to my quirks. But sometimes after he hides it, I'll be cleaning the house and I'll find it by accident, and then I start obsessing all over again, and then I make him hide it in another place.

I'm not sure about your medication, but at least you're feeling some relief, so you know that it still works for you even if it takes longer.

Old 07-09-2007, 08:11 PM   #3
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seaturtle HB User
Re: Just need to vent to peope who understand.

I'm not at all sure, but maybe your nonsense words are Tourette's? Someone else can correct that, I'm sure, if it's wrong.

I've done the same thing with meds, actually convincing myself that the meds are causing the problem, lol. I did this many times with Prozac. But each time I started again, the side effects were different, and eventually, it stopped working for me. But I was on it (on and off) for a good 8 years or so.
I sotpped doing this when I realized how sick I got off the meds.

The gun - do you have to keep it? Why not just give it away, if it makes you distressed to have it around? I don't have one, never did, but having one around would scare me for the same reason. For me, I'd be afraid that if I were in one of my suicidal ideation periods, it might throw me over the edge.

Best to you.

Old 07-09-2007, 08:52 PM   #4
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Christian73 HB User
Re: Just need to vent to peope who understand.

I've been dealing wtih more abstract thoughts about suicide lately. Very distressing. I agree that perhaps you should either have your BF hide the gun or maybe ask your father to hold on to it until you feel better. I've never went off my meds, so I can't speak to that. I'm actually gonig to my P-doc tomorrow to ask about upping or switching mine because my symptoms have come back.
"Don't believe everything you think."

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Old 07-10-2007, 05:38 AM   #5
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artsykid HB User
Re: Just need to vent to peope who understand.

Thanks for all of the comments and insight. For the nonsense words.... its not like I do it all the time or uncontrollably - I hardly do it at all actually - but once in a while I'll do it. Like talking under my breath. Its hard to explain. But I'm pretty sure its not Tourettes.

With the gun, I would give it back to my dad but he lives about 10 hours away. I had my bf unload it for me. I thought about selling it or something but my Dad gave it to me as a gift, and my BF got me the class to get my concealed weapons permit. I know that the obsession will soon fade ( I am feeling a lot better this morning) and I feel like if I get rid of it I'm just letting my OCD be in control of my life if that makes sense.

I think the meds are slowly starting to kick in. I feel good this morning so I believe that is a good sign. Do all meds eventually stop working? Like... will I have to keep upping my dose or trying different meds throughout my life? I've pretty much accepted that I can not get off of them. This worries me cause one day I want to have a baby and I'm not sure if I can be on Prozac when I'm pregnant. Does anyone know?

Thanks again!

Old 07-10-2007, 05:54 AM   #6
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Christian73 HB User
Re: Just need to vent to peope who understand.

Some people are on anti-Ds for years and don't have a loss of efficacy. While I'm struggling with that right now, I've had 8 years of success with the one I'm on right now. Again, people's mileage varies on this.

In terms of pregnancy, it seems that most women elect to go off their anti-Ds since it's unknown what effects it would have on the child. There have been a few women whose depression was so bad they had to stay on during their pregnancy. Here's a recent article from NY Times on this very subject:

June 28, 2007
Antidepressants Rated Low Risk in Pregnancy

Taking an antidepressant like Prozac may increase a pregnant woman’s risk of having a baby with a birth defect, but the chances appear remote and confined to a few rare defects, researchers are reporting today.

The findings, appearing in two studies in The New England Journal of Medicine, support doctors’ assurances that antidepressants are not a major cause of serious physical problems in newborns.

But the studies did not include enough cases to adequately assess risk of many rare defects; nor did they include information on how long women were taking antidepressants or at what doses. The studies did not evaluate behavioral effects either; previous research has found that babies suffer withdrawal effects if they have been exposed to antidepressants in the womb, and that may have implications for later behavior.

“These are important papers, but they don’t close the questions of whether there are major effects” of these drugs on developing babies, said Dr. Timothy Oberlander, a developmental pediatrician at the University of British Columbia, who was not involved in the studies. “There are many more chapters in this story yet to be told.”

In both studies, researchers interviewed mothers of more than 9,500 infants with birth defects, including cleft palate and heart valve problems. They found that mothers who remembered being on antidepressants like Zoloft, Paxil or Prozac while pregnant were at no higher risk for most defects than a control group of women who said they had not taken antidepressants.

There were a few exceptions. One of the studies, led by Carol Louik of Boston University and financed in part by the drug makers GlaxoSmithKline and Sanofi-Aventis, found that use of Paxil was associated with an increased risk of a rare heart defect, which the company had previously reported.

The other study, led by Sura Alwan of the University of British Columbia, found that use of antidepressants increased the risk of craniosynostosis, a condition in which the bones in the skull fuse prematurely. Rare gastric and neural tube defects may also be more common in babies exposed to the medications, the studies suggested.
"Don't believe everything you think."

Bumper Sticker in my therapist's office

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