ohiogent

right?

i am on this thing about saying things perfectly and that is nearly impossible.

what if i say a tax law wrong or not complete

what if i give directions wrong

what if i give wrong name of person

what if i give wrong info on any topic

then..........

i fill in the blank and place the blame on me for the results

so i correct

i clarify

i repeat

i re-state

i say again

slightly different

but i cannot say it perfectly

i obsess my mistakes in words cause

- sickness

- poverty

- heart attacks

- financial ruin

- and worse

since i did not state things properly and others acted off of my words

like if i say.. oh you can deduct that mortgage interest on your taxes.

that may be but i need more info to determine if that is correct.. but time does not always allow for such detail

so i say.. yes, you can deduct that.. and before i have a chance to elaborate. .they are gone or whatever

and i obsess and have to fix it

fix what i said

i was at a client today..

something came up

i addressed the topic over

and over

and over

just when i thought i had it right and let it go.... i reviewed the conversation and it was not right afterall.. i still did not say it perfectly

and i literally started to sweat from this ocd attack

i brought it up again

several times

over and over

she left to go home

i followed her to her car and continued the conversation

there i said.. i fixed it.. i said it right...

but then she drove off.. i was at peace until i thought....hmmmmmm

i really did not get it right afterall

she was gone!

her husband works there too...

i talked to him.. i was racing in thoughts and words by that time, and in tears.. i told him i have ocd and having a major bout of it and i am sorry but can he please help me

i asked him to call his wife and explain some more of our topic based on what i told him

he was compassionate to me but i am his accountant and how could he not wonder how well i can do my duties like this

i had him say some things to her.. me talking to her would make it worse

see...

it would never end

i could never say it perfect

ever

i had him say some things and after we (him) hung up with her

i was ok and left and was ok

for seconds

and again.. still not right

i called from my cell phone

told him.. still not right

he said.. jim... i think you should see a doctor

true but that is not helping me now.. could he help me

even if it is enabling.. i need help

i need to get out of "This one"

even if it makes me worse

this one will kill me

there will no next ocd attack if this one kills me

he said he would talk to her again

and clarify

i was ok

drove off

thought...

hmmmm, what if he just said he would tell her

and not really tell her

this is my life

from one conversation i have to fix to another

this is the worst one

i cannot stand this. i cannot handle this. .

this is so horrible
so vile
so heinous
such a waste
so painful
one ocd attack to another

i cannot believe anyone walking on the face of the earth has such horrendous ocd as this

not looking for pity or anything like that

how can i go on like this

the horror of ocd

the literal horror of my ocd

i will go to bed with this hauting

this condemning voice

of how i said things wrong...

and ................................... (results)

all my fault

and i tried to fix it.. several attempts

each one landed me deeper

deeper in ocd

deeper in trouble

i will wake up after having my dreams taunt me

i will wake up and resume the horror of my life