lately I thought I was doing well. I wasnt letting the thoughts in or the emotions get to me too much. I thought I was on the right track, but I have been having trouble staying asleep (even when taking ambien) but the past 3 nights I have gotten a good amount of sleep.
Two nights ago I had a horrible nightmare, very vivid. I woke up in a panic and took my xanax. I had a dream that I killed 2 people in self defense, but then after I found out that I was really crazy and they didnt do anything. I then remembered doing it and saw the bodies and all. they actuall looked at me and were like, you did this to us and all that crazy stuff. It was pretty freaky. But, as the day went on I dismissed it.
I had a pretty good day and night yesterday, nothing too bad. Probably one of the better days since my spike. I took an ambien before bed and woke up 3 hours later, like I usually do. felt tired and was excited that I was starting to get my sleep patterns back. I fell back asleep and WHAM very very vivid nightmares.
The first part I was in a house with my girlfriend and 4 other guys. The other guys were doing and saying stuff that was making me upset. I was talking back to them and yelling and even offering to fight them. I felt so angry and stuff. IM SO NOT LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. In my dream I was even like what if I killed this guy, would I be upset?
Then the next dream, Was really intense and had a lot going on in it. But the main part that freaked me out was this...I was kinda watching people and saw gory images and weird things. Then people were going up to me and saying, "why did you do it," and I had no idea what they were talking about. Then I was in some apartment and there was a party in this one room and a doctor came up to me and said he needed to monitor me. I walked out cause I had no idea who he was and when I went back into the other room all the furniture was gone. I walked back into the party and no one was there. Then I realized I was a serial killer and was on a experimental medication that made me forget about what I did and transformed me into a normal person. But I didnt know what was reality and what wasnt. I woke up with an anxiety attack again. And in my state I started thinking what if this isnt reality, the life I always knew, what If I am really a pyscho and my brain is trying to tell me through dreams and how do I know all this is real....
Then, as I started to awake more, I realized that was most likely not true. But then I got scared I was going schizo because I still kinda thought it. Like what if I keep thinking it to the point I really wonder about it. Or keep having these dreams? These dreams were the most vivid dreams I have ever experienced. I cant even explain how real they were. and they felt like they were 40 hours long.
I dont understand why I am having these dreams now.. I mean during the worst of my spike I didnt have them. But now, that I feel I am making progress they hit and I am back to square one.
I started an ssri 3 weeks ago and going to the doctor today to up my dose since I am still on a low dose. I am going to stop taking the ambien in case that is contributing to the dreams (although I prob wont sleep without it)
As you guys know from my previous posts my fear is WANTING to harm someone like a weirdo killer.. not actually doing it.. because I know deep down I wont nomatter what... But now I am afraid of loosing my mind and my sense of self after having these dreams...What if I have a pyschological break and actually become someone else? I'm so afraid.
Also, it didnt help that the message board deleted my other post about whats ifs. A lot of people were commenting and I felt I wasnt alone. Then they deleted it and I felt like, what if what I am going through is something different and shouldnt be talked about since it wasnt allowed to be on the OCD message board.
I am just so afraid right now, after these dreams. I cant shake them. My OCD is in overdrive.
Has anyone ever had this? or know what I am going through?
Re: intrusive thoughts (please help) OCD acting up
Hi QZZ, I'm sorry your OCD is acting up again. It's frustrating, isn't it?
I have found that OCD tends to infiltrate my dreams, whether that's during a bad OCD episode or spike, or when I'm not obsessing at all. When you're obsessing, it makes sense for you to dream about your obsessions, since it's been on your mind all day already. I don't know why we still dream about it, but just know that it's normal for you to dream about your obsessions and to feel very strong and vivid emotions during your dreams. I also have that, and it bothers me at times. My ocd tends to revolve around relationships, religion and the fear of myself or a loved one dying, and I can dream about all of these things. The ones I hate the most are ones where I dream I'm cheating on my husband! In my dreams I always like it but when I wake up I feel so sick to my stomach because I love my husband dearly.
The important thing to remember is that as OCD sufferers, our emotions are pretty useless when we're obsessing. It bothers us that we may FEEL like we want to harm someone or FEEL like we enjoy being angry and violent, but the fact is, OCD can manipulate your feelings very easily and when we don't get the "right" emotional response to one of our scary thoughts, it makes it even that more convincing.
One thing I have heard is that prescription sleep aids can cause pretty vivid dreams, but I understand the need to use them. I can't get to sleep most nights without an over the counter sleep aid because my mind wants to obsess, and that's the worst time for my mind to go into overdrive - right when I go to bed!
You are not alone - we have all felt the tremendous emotions that come with OCD.
Re: intrusive thoughts (please help) OCD acting up
Qzz-
I agree with Post-It about some of these prescription sleep aids causing vivid dreams, so I would check with your doctor, pharmacist, or on the internet and find out of having vivid dreams are side effects of any of the medications you're taking.
One thing my CBT is always stressing to me is the role of the conscious and sub-conscious of the mind. Obviously if you think about it, OCD doesn't like to play around in the conscious part of our brain, because that's the part that fights back, so OCD being the coward that it is, chooses to stay in a part of the brain where there's less resistance. For me, my OCD tends to act up more at night when my mind is starting to rest, and my body is getting ready for sleep. During these times or when we're asleep and our sub-conscious is more active, the OCD uses the opportunity to flare up. Maybe we had a bad day at work, we were upset with someone, or we had a stressful day and didn't really think about it but put it in our sub-conscious to deal with later, then didn't really think about it. OCD tries to grab our attention by flashing all these intrusive thoughts into our brains so we realize that something is bothering us.
Remember that these intrusive thoughts are symbolic, and not literal. All this means is that our mind is trying to get us to pay attention to something that might have upset us. Sometimes I think of intrusive thoughts as a bell ringing that's telling me that something was really bothering me and I didn't deal with it, or pushed it to the back of my mind.
Re: intrusive thoughts (please help) OCD acting up
Hey guys,
Thanks a lot for your replys. I did ask my doc and he said all sleep meds can cause very vivid dreams. He also said it is not uncommon for nightmares to be there when dealing with stress, ocd and anxiety. He suggested if it continues he will try anotehr sleep aid or discontinue it all together (as I feel I may be able to sleep on my own soon.)
Now that a few hours have gone by and I am fully awake, I am not as bothered by the dream... but when I woke up I was pretty freaked and posted right away. It's good to know that it probably has to do with the ambien rather then me going insane...lol
I hope to nip this OCD in the bud soon.. I really feel like I can with all the support I been getting. You guys on the board have definitly helped so much. Talking about it to people who live with it as well has no comparison. Thank God for the internet. I know I would never have been able to go to a support group and discuss this face to face. At least not right now. So this is such a valuable resource.
I just hate the feelings that come with the intrusive thoughts. The emotional aspect of it is what freaks me out the most. Irrationally questioning if I could enjoy something like that is horrible. And having a good few hours, then realizing it is still there.. Or worrying about 10 years from now still having it or it coming back, etc. Its just all very hard. but I know it will get better.
thanks again guys.. Hope everyone is doing well today
Re: intrusive thoughts (please help) OCD acting up
QZZ I know all too well what you mean when you say:
Quote:
I just hate the feelings that come with the intrusive thoughts. The emotional aspect of it is what freaks me out the most. Irrationally questioning if I could enjoy something like that is horrible. And having a good few hours, then realizing it is still there.. Or worrying about 10 years from now still having it or it coming back, etc. Its just all very hard. but I know it will get better.
For me, it's the feelings that make it so bothersome, not necessarily the thoughts. There are times when I'm not obsessing that I can have the same thoughts and it doesn't bother me at all because I don't have an emotional reaction to them. I find that one of my biggest mistakes in battling OCD is trying to fight feelings with feelings...trying to reassure myself with the right feelings that would assure me that my obsession or fear isn't true; trying to get the right emotional response to the thought...but it never works, not with OCD. With OCD, we have to learn that we can't use our emotions as a good indicator or decision maker.
Linear Mode
