diva30

Hi everyone,
It is so helpful for me to read others posts and realize that I am not alone in my pain and suffering and that others have found ways of dealing with this. About 3-4 years ago I went through a really dark period of obsessional thinking- I took Luvox and after a few months I basically ahd kicked the thinking and felt like myself again. I stayed on the Luvox for about two years- met a wonderful man, dated him for about 6-8 months before I weaned off the luvox, feeling that it was time. Well now I have been together with him for a year and 3 months and the whole relationship has been amazing. I have not had any obessional thinking (except for one time back in the spring where I had a pregnancy scare- but that obsession had a end to it when I found out I wasn't- of course). He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy, he is my best friend, we hold eachother's hearts and have for quite a while. I brought up marriage back in sept- saying that I really felt I could spend the rest of my life with him, I could picture us raising a family and sharing all our troubles and good times together. It felt so good and right. Well over the following months, we started to more seroiusly discuss this possibility, where we would live, discussing rings, etc. About a month ago, right before Thanksgiving, the obsessions started to rear their ugly heads. It started with me being bothered by superficial things about him that I had NEVER even noticed before- like how he would say a certain word, or how he had gained a little weight- and I would obsess how that is bothering me, and if that is bothering me, than maybe my feelings aer changing, and maybe we can't get engaged....This is how the snowball effect (as I like to call it) would begin. So when the obsessions started small, I thought, hmmm I should probably be medicated again, I do not want to ruin a wonderful time in my life with my OCD. So I went back on the luvox. Well that was right around thanksgiving and this past month has been HELL for me. The obessions have become debilitating, I had to take off from work, In any given day, I can go back and forth between feeling warm, connected, and myself again- loving the idea of being with him forever, and then within two min the ugly thoughts come in saying nope, you are lying to him, this isn't fair to him, etc. The amazing thing is that he has stuck by me the ENTIRE time, using his faith in God to help him get through it. He believes that I will get better and that we are going to live the life together that we know we both want. And for example, last night, spending time with him, I felt that way- we were discussing wedding stuff, etc and I was laying with him on the couch feeling like we used to, loved, safe, and connected. Then I go to sleep, and wake up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed by negative thoughts. The kicker is that we did get engaged this past weekend. I had thought if that wonderful event occurred, some of my fears would subside bc I would realize that the ring isn't oging to change anything, we are still the same couple that I have loved to be a part of the whole time.
He said something so poignant last night- i said, aren't you scared that my OCD could be a part of my life forever and it mig ht pop up again with other situations in our life together? And he said, no it doesn't worry me at all, we will get through it. And then he asked me, would you rather go through it all alone or with me? And of course I said him! He is amazing, he is my angel and I am so scared that I am going to allow these awful intrusive thoughts get the better of me.
Wow sorry for the long post, I just had to get it all out. I would appreciate any advice or similar experiences to help me get through this. I want to be so excited to run around and show off my ring and feel the joy that I know is deep within me, but the thoughts are blockign them. Thanks again