diva30

Hi again everyone, it really is a relief to read others' accounts on here and know that I am not alone. I struggled so much last night, after going to my therapist and not really receiving good advice, then spending the evening with my fiance christmas shopping, I kept feeling like something was wrong, that I shouldn't marry him, that I am lying to him somehow, etc. After he left, I took an ativan, was able to fall asleep but I woke up around 5 am feeling completely numb and it scared me, I was unable to feel connections to anything about him. I tried to remember our good times, even our good times in the past month, and it all felt false to me. I prayed, I wrote down all the reasons why I know I love him (even though it felt like I was lying) and then I called my boyfriend and we prayed together and he reassured me that I am thinking too much and that I am looking into things too much. He is so amazing to me through all of this- he just feels like I am going to beat this, and that our love and our support of eachother will prevail. My question is this, I started thinking this morning- with the ROCD, the anxiety from it, I think I have also developed depression. I know that anxiety and depression go hand in hand most of the time. The last time I dealt with this about 4 years ago, I definitely had the depression aspect, the lack of appetite, no sleep, didn't have an interest in all the things that used to make me happy. And last night's episode of feeling empty, sad, detached, made me think that I bet depression is rearing its ugly head too, bc I am so emotionally exhausted from worrying about my relationship. It's so hard bc I understand that this isn't because of him, I really can see that logically but my body and mind can't accept it, and it keeps fighting me. I was trying to look logically at the situation and I was thinking, if I were to break things off with him (which the thought makes me ill), I wouldn't be able to look back a year from now and find one good reason for why! There is no reason why. 4 weeks ago, we were fine, enjoying eachother's company, I didn't have one doubt in my head. Engagement came into the picture and my head went nuts. He is my chance at an amazing future, he is going to be such a great husband, father, and considering how supportive he is being now, I know he will continue to be this way during our whole marriage. Why can't I just break the cycle?? I feel guilty when people congratulate us and send us cards. I feel like its wrong. Two months ago I was saying that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and it felt so right. You don't fall out of love in that time!! I know that, I need to figure out a way to embrace that and let the worry go. Thoughts? Thank you again!