Trying to Understand, she has OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

thatraingirl · 01-06-2008, 11:51 AM

Hi and thank you everyone for your postings about your OCD. I am in a 3 month relationship with a woman who has OCD and am trying to understand not only why she acts the way she does sometimes, but why comments I make end up being 'black & white' 'live or die' at the moment- why they end up being everything. And she takes them to the point of obsession over and over and over; not sleeping, and wanting to go over it again and again. Some minutes for her have to be 'everything'; and I see the minute as just a minute. Does anyone understand that??

I love her, and am in love with her, but at times I am starting to feel like I have been swallowed whole. As a strong independent woman I have not ever dealt with someone who needs much more than I have ever given on a daily basis. It is pulling me; and not always leaving me feeling or wanting to see her. Which is dis-concerning to me since I do want to be with her.

Communication between us, like all new couples, is something we are trying to work out, and even when I tell her this, it is like any disagreements we have are bad. Like there is something wrong with disagreeing and trying to communicate. She takes it as everything at the time, and I know it is not her. She is sharp, educated and a leader as a teacher- you don't get to where she is without having the emotional intelligence to deal with hundreds of kids.

I am wondering how much of this is OCD and what I need to do to help her work through it without it tearing us apart.

Thank you for any advice or support you can give.

motherofOCD · 01-07-2008, 11:58 AM

My knowledge of OCD is limited to my experience with my child, but I can give you my opinion based on that limited knowledge and experience as well as my experience with my own anxiety and depression issues.

I would say that the things you are referring to are *not necessarily* part of the OCD. It isn't uncommon for people with OCD to have other personality disorders. But, it might not necessarily be a disorder exactly either.

It is quite possible that she has other things going on causing her to feel insecure. There may be things in her family background that make conflict difficult for her. For example, children of alcoholics tend to have difficulty with relationships because they are used to being required to avoid difficult topics in order to prevent violent outbursts. They learn to be placaters and panic at every ripple in the pond, so to speak. Not that being the child of an alcoholic is the only thing that would cause these problems. There are a lot of family dynamics that can leave a person's view of what a healthy relationship is skewed.

So, if she's a school teacher, she probably has good health care coverage and you might want to see if she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you. I'm suggesting couples therapy because if you stick with "WE need" rather than "YOU need" she's probably more likely to be receptive to the idea. That way she's less likely to feel like you are suggesting that there is something wrong with HER. Chances are a good therapist will recognize her issues and suggest that she be seen alone to work through those.

dksea · 01-07-2008, 12:44 PM

You may want to pick up a book on OCD to give you a better understanding of the disease. The classic one is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Judith Rappaport, although there are others.

One analogy i can give that might help you understand, have you ever had a song stuck in your head and you just can't get it out? OCD is like that, but with thoughts. It just gets stuck in your head and won't let go. Its like our brains are sticky. And let me tell you we don't WANT to be that way

The trick with OCD, and something thats hard for people to understand is we can't just make the thoughts stop, thats the whole problem. Even if we KNOW they are irrational or stupid or just don't make sense, logic isn't enough.

Dwelling on the thoughts, trying to argue with them, to logic yourself out of them is actually one of the worst things you can do as an OCD'er since in reality what you are doing is continuing to focus on the topic, keeping it in your mind. Hopefully she is going through therapy and/or on medication, but if not you might be able to help her by picking up a good CBT (cognative/behavioral therapy) work book and going through it with her if she's willing. It might be a good way to help build a relationship by working through a struggle together.

Its really commendable that you are taking these steps to understand what she is going through, believe me as an OCD sufferer that means alot to us.

upsidedown9000 · 01-07-2008, 05:06 PM

Hello,

I read this post in kind of struck home with me. I have been living with OCD for 15 years now. About a year ago I was at my worst ever. I was really fighting hard just open my eyes in the morning. It took a large toll on my relationship and my girlfriend of 3 years decided she needed to split. I am better now, better than I have ever been in my life. Looking back I am glad she left, some people just can't understand this...maybe the lucky ones =).

My OCD got worse when she was trying to tell me what to think or how to think about it. It is a hard boat to turn around all at once and people don't realize it unless they are in it. I would say support and lend suggestions but don't be discouraged when things don't progress how you see it. I felt I would sometimes mis out on progress because I was making larger steps than I was ready to just to please my girlfriend. I go to therapy and take medication i feel it is the only way to beat this. Its hard to think your sitting on side line by not smacking sense into a loved one, but they are probably trying 10 times harder on the inside so they can spend some quality time with you.

thatraingirl · 01-13-2008, 11:16 AM

Thank you for sharing your stories and the reference to the book; I know it will help us the more I understand when it is an actual issue between us we need to talk through, and when it is something I should just let go and focus on something else.

It does have to be tough to know it is happening and have no control. It has to be exhausting.