Back again. I've been away for awhile because I was doing great, but recently saw something that brought some things back. I wont get into what it was, don't want to cause anyone to spike. But I am almost sure this is what caused my new spike.
I am nowhere as bad as I was a few months ago when I wasnt on any meds, but this is still pretty scary and to some extent very different from my previous spike.
I am able to deal with my intrusive thoughts and OCD symptoms pretty well because I have been dealing with it my entire life. But lately I have been questionong my emotions toward people.
My biggest fear is not harming someone, but it is wanting to. like I fear I harbor some secret desire to do horrible things.
I feel like my emotions have been different as well. Like I question simple things like do i love my family? could I hurt them? do i want to? and it is a scary thought. Even more so is that my anxiety isnt as bad as it was a few months ago. I know this is because I am on meds now. But i am like well maybe it is because I dont care about it and could actually do it.
I imagine myself harming people just to try and prove to myself that I couldnt do it, and this doesnt work. if anything it scares me more because I am not as freaked out as i was when I think this. again, i know it is because of the meds and the fact that deep down I know i wont do it. But i am still doing the what if.
Now I know I would never do this. But I am afraid that I will have some pyschotic break and snap and go on a rampage or something weird like that.
My entire life I have felt sorry for people and wanted to help people and always wanted to make people happy. less fortunate, animals, family, etc... but lately in the past few days I question that. I am like do I still feel this way? Do I still care about people. And I don't know the answer. I cant say yes or no. If anything it is harder for me to say yes. Now I am holding to the idea that my anxiety is going on and I am dealing with my fear right now so my emotions are a little out of whack and they will return to normal when this passes. But what if after my entire life of being this person I change into someone else? what if I am going to turn into something horrible? these are my OCD questions that scare me.
I also feel annoyed easier. like if i am in the car with someone and they keep talking. normally I am a huge talker and want to talk about anything all the time. But now I find myself just knodding and wishing they would stop talking so we could just have quiet.
Hey, i can relate to alot of the things you said. my fears consist mainly on what if i want to hurt children, and it's the same as you, it's more the fear that i'll want to rather than will i do it.
I also doubt the love for my boyfriend, which is very upsetting. As when i'm not caught in an OCD obsession i love him more than anything and i can see that. But then i'll worry, how can i be sure, and then feel distant towards him, because i am so distracted by the questioning thoughts.
Keep posting here, i'm sure there are lots of people who will understand how you feel, including me.
It's scary doubting love for someone, and it's very powerful for several reasons. One, because it's something that is infact possible, so you can never disprove it to yourself. Two, because of the guilt you'd feel for staying in a relationship with someone you may not love and not talk to them about it - which leads to confessing. Three, a fear of what will happen if you do bring it up, and how it would end the relationship. Usually the fear is of hurting them, not yourself - which only leads you to believing you may not love them even more.
The only remedy I know of is to browse forums such of this and realise that many people have this exact same problem, which calms me down. I almost broke up with my girlfriend before I knew I had O.C.D., and it's one of my deepest regrets in life. Cherish the fact that you know you have this condition, and use it to your advantage.
It must be really distressing fearing that you may want to harm someone especially a loved one. My heart goes out to you. Are you seeking any counseling to help you overcome this?
Coffeelady are you sure your doubts over if you love your bf are OCD related or maybe something else is making you think you don't love him? Sorry to mention this but I have a lot of experience with relationship OCD and it can be really confusing as to what's causing you to think you're falling out of love with someone some times. It may be OCD, or it may be some other legitimate reason which has nothing to do with OCD.
Bev, thanks for the input. I Can seperate the thoughts that if what i don't love my boyfriend to real thought and OCD thoughts. I'm sure i do love him though. If i didn't i wouldn't think of him every night, and feel loney because he's not there to cuddle, and i wouldn't look at pictures of him and think how beautiful he is. I am only 19 so i think it may have something to do with age, and many teens or young adults feel confused to what love is, i guess at this age i'm still learning.
I doubt in every relationship you feel the love for your partner intensly all the time. is that true or not? I don't know this is a genuine question!
The OCD questions i get are, do i love him enough? I feel the love, but think maybe i'm not loving him as much as i should. I still know that i want to be with him.
I also have depression, which as a symptom can make you very distant towards people at times, and i often can not even take comfort in the company of others because i feel so low and disconected with the world.
I mentioned it as I have alot of experience with relationship OCD and it can be confused with genuine feelings of actual relationship doubt and vice versa. It is a very difficult OCD type to suffer from which for me personally has resulted in many failed relationships.
I posted awhile ago about my being afraid I dont' love my son or my husband anymore?? I hope that was not the post that striked up this new or dormant obsession inside you. I hate how tricky this thing is. Right when you think your in the clear, all it takes is a word, or a commercial or something someone said 5 years ago... I hate it. I feel horrible that others feel this way and even more horrible that I am relieved to know they do because it makes me think or atleast contemplate the possibility that all this is in my head. I am always questioning my love for my son, and like you said it makes me feel distant from him at times because I'm so over concerned. That in turn makes me think even more that these thoughts are valid and real. They cause me distress but it's weird, it's almost like backround noise in my head because I've got about 3 other obsessions I'm dealing with at the same time. Yeh, now I'm dealing my multipals, which to me is worse than before when I'd worry about one inparticular thing. Atleast I could know what I was thinking about, now my mind is in a million different places trying to make sense of everything and I wonder why I'm tired all the time and all I want to do is sleep....Anyways didn't mean to post so long. It's funny how sometimes you think your done and you give up only to realize you still have so much you want to say.