Re: I feel like Im losing control....
you are most definitely not dealing with this alone. I promise you that. It is very comforting to read people's posts and see that they are dealing with the same thing. Although at times I convince myself I am dealing with something different then everyone in the world and I am truely disturbed.
Sometimes I feel that if God himself came down and said to me, "you are not that person, you are a good person, this is just our OCD and not you" I would still think I was disturbed and different then OCD sufferers. But that is what OCD DOES.
A few months ago I had my first spike, I have always dealt with OCD my entire life (always revolving around serial killers) you can check my other posts where I got in detail about my OCD and fears.
But a few months ago it got to the point where I thought I lost my mind. I was not myself. Everything was different. I felt like I wasnt in reality. Everything seemed fuzzy and the slightest things would scare me. If something dropped my nerves would go crazy. I couldnt get these thoughts out of my head. Everything freaked me out. I was sure I was turing into some sick pyscho or would. My fear at that point was more of a fear of WANTING to do it.
Then I went on meds and xanax when it got bad. Had a fantastic support system with my family, who knew every detail of what I was feeling. And gradually it went away and I was back to old me. I was so happy I was me again. I cant even tell you how great it was. I was still doing my OCD rituals as I always did my entire life, but I could deal with that since I was so used to it. As long as the harming thoughts went away I didnt care.
But recently I saw something that triggered me. It took a few days to work its way back into me full force but it came back. But this time (since I am on the meds I think) I wasnt feeling that intense anxiety.
As I said in my other pose, anxiety will make ANYTHING seem 1000 times worse. The worse the anxiety the worse the fear gets. I would NEVER commit suicide, but I could see how someone could feel that was the only way out when under extreme anxiety.
when I say anxiety I dont mean a panic attack. I mean 24 hour a day,for however long you have it for,anxiety.
Anyway, this time I didnt feel the anxiety as much. It is still there but nowhere even remotely in the same league as it was my first spike.
So this scared me more. At least with the anxiety I knew these things bothered me. So,of course, now my OCD is like well maybe you want to do it now.
So I would start to purposely imagine doing horrible things to try and PROVE to myself that these things would bother me.
like if my fear was being gay, I would imagine being with a man and when it did not turn me on I would know I wasnt gay. End of fear.
But my fear is being a sick demented serial killer at heart. So I imagine these things in hopes of being repulsed and anxiety ridden.
Now, i am not feeling anything. I dont feel good or bad about it. And that makes me scared. Now I know it is probably because deep down I know I wouldnt do this. And I know its my imagination and not real. And I am on meds as well. And a million reasons why this wouldnt bother me just from imagining it. But my OCD says, "yep you want to do it since your not upset" then I am freaked out with the what ifs.
as I said before in another post. If I saw a show about the mafia and they were showing crime scene photos of hits, I wouldnt be that disturbed because I know the motivation was money or power or orders or what have you. But if I saw the same exact photo and it was from a serial killer instead of the mafia the photo would cause me extreme anxiety and fear.
I associate these people as the creepiest most sick people in the world. I have fixated on one specific one my entire life that I wont say because I dont want anyone to spike, but very gruseome things were done and I was very disturbed at a young age to see and learn of these things. It was all over the news at the time.
So, where I am now. I am scared because my emotions seem dimished a bit. I find it hard to get excitment out of things that always give me excitment. I cant look forward to things. I look at loved ones and wonder if I love them or if I did something to them would I care. (a week ago this wouldnt even be an issue because I wouldnt question it and I would do anything to make them happy) but now OCD is making me think otherwise.
I know I would NEVER do anything, but that fear is always there...like how do you know you wont? how do you know you wont enjoy it? how do you know you wont have a pyschotic break and think you are possessed by a serial killer and start acting these thigns out? etc... and as everyone knows that list goes on and on like a snowball.
I think we like to be 100% certain we wont act on anything and that we are good people before we can relax. But the simple fact is our OCD will never let us be 100% certain.
Anxiety and fear will fuel everything.
I am also afraid I am going to start relating to these killers and wanting to learn about them and be like them. or something like that.
But I know people who study them as a hobby and are fascinated by them. How can they not be botered by them. How can a detective walk into a crime scene and see mutilated parts and smell the smell and go home, eat dinner and sleep with their partner and not give this a second thought. I would no doubt be in an institution if I ever saw something like that.
But some people can and it doesnt bother them at all. I wish nothing bothered me as well. I would love to have some peoples phobias instead of this, as I am sure they would switch with me. This is out fear so our minds make us dwell on it. Why they do this I dont know. But we have trained them without realizing it to do this. So we have to figure out how to train them to not do this.
The thoughts will always be there like,
What if serial killers all thought this way and had OCD but gave in one day.
What if I do want to do it
what if i am sick
what if. what if, what if
I saw a show one night where a detective said the first murder is always the hardest, after that they become easier for someone to kill.
that freaked me out because it implied (to me anyway) that killing was hard for a serial killer at one point, but then they liked it.
So Im like Oh my God maybe I would like it. Maybe my needing to know will get so bad that I will kill someone to see if i like it or not to be sure.
Now I know this wouldnt happen EVER... I am not that person. But OCD makes you think it.
I have read on here that some people actual get so into their obsession tehy actually think they did the crime and turn themselves in, when in fact they did nothing wrong.
So your mind can play crazy tricks on you. If you have a fear of something it only takes a second for your mind to run with it. And us with OCD it is harder to stop it from going.
I am so sorry this is so long. I just started rambling... What you need to know is you are not alone and there is help. You will never act on these things. and the guilt you feel WILL go away once you realize you are a good person and you are making yourself feel that way, because you are a good person. if you werent a good person, nony only would you not feel guilty, but you would probably have acted on something at some point.
If you havent already, tell your husband everything. it feels good to talk about it. and definitely get some xanax for your anxiety.
hope this helps and wasnt too painful of a read.
hang in there. we are all here