Non-OCD in ocd relationship question for ROCD sufferers... - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

kyndrad77 · 06-05-2008, 10:54 AM

I was wondering if anyone who suffers from ROCD could tell me what usually initiates a spike. My BF (has ocd - relationships is where it's most noticed) and I have been doing wonderfully, but the past week we've had some arguments. I live in Utah and he lives in California, so when we see each other it's for brief periods of time.
He broke up with me (again) last night, telling me that he doesn't have love feelings for me, and that he's sure he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not the one, stuff I have heard a lot in the past. This is following a week spent with him that, despite a moment or two of disagreements and complications, was VERY tender, very loving.
The explanation is that he should do what's right and break up with me because he hasn't gotten to the feelings of loving me or wanting to be with me - which comes as a shocking surprise as I can't tell you how many times in the past week or so he has told me how very much he loved me, and how well things were going, and how good it was. Actions? He was so sweet. I can't believe what I am hearing right now.
The break up idea came toward the end of a heated conversation, in which we had difficulty communicating (which most of the time we communicate wonderfully). He told me that for the past two days he's been thinking that he didn't love me enough, and that he didn't think it was fair to make me wait for something (his love in return) that wasn't going to happen. This came after a fight.
The last time he did this, it came after a rough patch, too. Things go great, a few speed bumps, and now he doesn't love me, never did, and apparently can't remember how good things felt just a few days ago. He says it's actually those times that cause him to believe that I;m not the one, because the emotions he's looking for aren't there NOW as he's looking back - but I'll tell you that I felt his love, and can't understand how he could forget...

Thanks for the help. He isn't getting help right now, we only discovered the OCD stuff 6 months ago, but when it happened then, things got better and it wasn't really persued (and he moved so he didn't have someone to follow up with).

I am scared. I don't know if he's really going to do it again (he broke up with me 4 years ago, and we just got back together a couple of months ago). I love him so much and I am praying that he "wakes up", and that this nightmare can be over. I am also scared that if he doesn't get help, and we do make it, he'll keep doing this.

OH! Question... Everytime he ends things with me, he gets cold, like no emotions, and shuts down to me like I am no one special, and is very "matter of fact" about the whole thing. I am bewildered that he could be so detached from all emotion when he does this, and have realized that this is also part of his pattern. It's like someone took away my baby and replaced him with this stone person who has no love for me, no empathy for what he is doing to me or us, and doesn't flinch at this huge thing he is doing. Is that common?

Thank you for listening.

dioxide12 · 06-22-2008, 09:12 PM

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this because I feel like I'm in a similar situation, except that I'm the boyfriend with OCD. I can't tell how I feel sometimes and it can be very confusing. I can't tell if I'm obsessing about things in the relationship, or if it is a valid thought or feeling that I'm having, and something I should take action on.

rockstarchar · 07-07-2008, 09:54 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. I actually had a very rough weekend with my husband and my ROCD. I finally confessed to my feelings (or lack thereof). I was also very matter-of-fact about it and felt very anxious to end things. However, we talked it though, I felt love for him, and now we're trying to get back to where we were. I think part of my problem is my high dose of anti-depressants to treat my OCD. I wonder if they numb me to emotions. My husband is the sweetest, kindest man in the world, and no one loves me more. It's very hard for him, but we'll make it. Hang in there! I look forward to others' replies. I'm also wondering if there are any good books out there on ROCD.

Char

dioxide12 · 07-07-2008, 07:58 PM

After months of going back and forth on it, I finally decided to break up with my girlfriend. I just don't have the same feelings for her that I used to, ROCD or not. I think that I've learned that if you aren't sure what to do, just be patient. Give it time, and eventually you'll know for sure how you feel. Just be careful when it first starts, you may not want to say anything until you're sure how you feel. That's how it was for me at least, I openly discuss my OCD with my now ex, and I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her anymore or if it was just my OCD. That didn't go over very well, so my advice is to wait it out, and try and be as sure as you can about your feelings even if that is easier said than done.

Then again, I could be making a big mistake.

Only time will tell.

Anyone going through ROCD, I feel your pain.

Post-It · 07-08-2008, 09:00 AM

People with relationship obsessions tend to have a "revolving door" type of relationship because they can never figure out how they really feel. One day they "feel love," the next day, they can't find those feelings of love (or attraction, or chemistry, or whatever) and the obsessive cycle flares up again. So they break up because the loving feelings aren't there, but when they break up, they realize they do love the person. It's a never-ending cycle.

Therapy is the best treatment for OCD, especially exposure therapy. I developed ROCD when I got engaged to my now husband, and am soooo glad I didn't let OCD get in the way of marrying him. but it took a lot of hard work and intense therapy to get my OCD manageable to the point where it became insignificant.