artistgirl2011

This is going to be really long. It's mostly my ramblings of things that have happened to me. If some of it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.


This started a couple months ago at school. I'm a good student, I don't get in trouble alot, I get good grades. For some reason I keep thinking that people are watching me. I fee like I'm breathing to loud and my feet scrape on the floor. I have to sit absolutely still and not talk for them to look away. If i move, I feel their eyes snap back to me and keep watching me.

I've been thinking about numbers way to much. I constantly divide them in my head. The 'perfect' numbers are 8 and 4. They have to be or divide into those numbers. If they don't I feel light headed. I try to look for something else that equals that or repeat the numbers in my head.

I also divide objects. I mentally picture an object in my head and pick out the differences of the two sides. Example: This side of the shirt has a slight wrinkle in it. I can't stop doing that. And when I find something that's perfectly symetrical, I feel really happy.

I frequently think about my hands. I used to have no problem touching things, I still can to some degree. I now can't touch dirt or maple syrup. They make my hands feel wrong and I have to wash them. I use 4 pumps from the soap dispenser. If I use less than that, I literally can't wash my hands.

I've been thinking alot of irrational thoughts lately. I feel like people are standing outside my door watching me. The person next to me on the street is an assasin. The building next to me is about to catch on fire. etc.

Anywhere I go, I feel like something bad is going to happen to me. Multiple scenarios run through my head. Examples: Someone is going to get shot. My little sister is going to drown. I'm going to get mugged on the way there. I'm going to be publically humiliated in some way. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel sick to my stomach and nearly pass out. This usually happens when I'm about to go to some type of party of social gathering. If I have fun at whatever it is, my previous thoughts feel really irrational. If I didn't, something in my head screams 'I told you!'.

I think any hole in a wall is a peep hole, and that there are people watching me through it. Before I change anywhere, I have to search the place for any holes and cover them. If I don't, I feel really dizzy and panicked. I end up running out of the place.

When I was little, I used to feel 'good' people watching me. I would even show off for them. I could somehow tell they were proud of me when I did something good. They hid behind a couch, tree, or whatever, anytime I went anywhere. Recently, I've started to feel like 'bad' people were watching me. I still try to show off, but I feel like that constantly berate me. They aren't proud of me anymore. I can feel their dissapointment in me. Sometimes I cry over it, and they just think I'm weak.

Also when I was little, I used to get so freaked out because I thought people could read my mind. I would try to clear my thoughts and not think anything. If I did think something bad about a person, I would blush. I haven't thought like that for a long time, but just recently I felt like someone could. I got scared and had to leave class to go to the bathroom. It's happened a couple times since then.

I feel like people hate me all the time. I'm constantly asking my friends if they are mad at me. Sometimes I feel like I can't, and I get really depressed. They always tell me they're not, but I still think they are. It's weird. If people don't talk to me or smile at me when I look at them, I also feel like they're mad at me.

My thoughts usually stay the same. But sometimes when I'm really scared or I'm freaking out, there's this really weird whisper in the back of my mind that tells me 'They're coming.' or 'You're not good enough. No one likes you.' Negative comments like that. If people give me a compliment, I freeze up. And the voice tells me that they're lying. I also feel the obligation to give them a compliment, too. My compliment usually comes out jumbled and false. I feel like they can tell I'm lying and I get depressed.


Here's something that happened to me:

I went golfing today. I couldn't take an actual swing without taking exactly 4 practice swings first. I tried 3, but I couldn't do it. I just had to add that extra swing. By the end of it, my hands were so raw and blistered from all the extra practice swings. And I also couldn't use any gold clubs that weren't labeled with a 8, 4, or 2. The letters were fine. My father handed me a gold club labeled 6, and I felt the backs of my eyeballs start to itch. I didn't even take any practice swings, I just can up there and hit the ball [badly, might I add]. I was only thinking of getting rid of the club as fast as possible.