Obsessions about fear of hurting children.
For a few years now i have had obsessions that i want to hurt children sexually. It'a not so much images it's more. the thought of what if i want to? I do sometimes get images that are very upsetting.
I've had it for so long that i frequently feel very depressed and think od suicide. It feels like it will never go away.
It's got worse recently, whenever i think of a guy and feel aroused i think maybe i'm actually thinking of a child, and that is why i am aroused. Whenever i feel aroused in public, i think it's because there are children there. I now hate feeling aroused, because i assosiate it with fear because i think it's to do with children.
I find it really difficult to belive it's not them that are making me aroused, how do i tell? I sometimes make myself think of horrible thoughts to test myself to check if i am aroused, i hate doing this, i feel sick, but i constanly seek reasurance, and certainty that i can not ever obtain, i am awear that 100% certainty is something that can never be obtained but i just feel like i need it.
Some people say you should just let the thoughts go through your mind, but the thougths are thinking that i am aroused, how do i pass that through my mind, i don't know where to begin to help myself.
I am not a bad person, i am 20 years old, i have a lovely boyfriend, i care about my family and i've always wanted children of my own one day, but i feel constanly obsess over if i am an evil person and i really want to molest children or will one day. It torments me because i think what if one day i do something, how can i live if one day i might.
if anyone has a similar problem i would be very greatfull to hear about it, also anyone who has advice on how to combat these kind of intrusive worries and obsessions.
thanks for reading.