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My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

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Old 11-07-2008, 09:07 AM   #1
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 103
nannie8 HB User
My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Hi all,

It has only recently become apparent to me that OCD includes obsessive thoughts. I thought it was only repeated actions, etc. For the longest time I wondered why I had to rearrange things, make things symmetrical on the coffee table, check the stove and door locks repeatedly, count, etc. I thought I was crazy until I realized what is was. Once I knew, I could live with it because it wasn't THAT BAD.

The obsessive thoughts however, are what is driving me crazy and making me very unhappy...and frustrating my husband. I'm so detail oriented and I remember every single thing people say and do and then go over and over it again...even years later. I have a hard time trusting my husband sometimes...we had problems in the past and have resolved them...things are actually quite good with us...and a good part of the time I feel good about us...and then bam, out of nowhere, the obsessive thoughts start intruding. I obsess about him cheating, wanting to cheat, lying, omitting details, etc. I have to have him repeat things over and over to me so I can relax about whatever thoughts I'm worrying about.

I bring up things that happened over a year ago and ask "are you SURE you weren't doing anything wrong? are you SURE you didn't cheat on me? Well what were you doing for the 45 minutes when I couldn't reach you? Can you tell me again?" I mean, it makes me crazy, so I know it makes HIM crazy.

If he talks to a woman or even looks in her direction, I start thinking "he likes her. She is thinner than me. I wonder if he wants to be with someone like that? I wonder if I wasn't here if he would flirt with her." etc.

This is the first time I've been honest with myself about all this stuff. I usually deny it even to myself because I like to appear strong, mature and confident. It's embarrassing to me, actually. I feel pathetic. I go on and on about stuff and I can never let things go. If he wears nice clothes and showers, I think "who is he trying to impress? where is he REALLY going?" It's crazy, I know it!! I don't WANT to be like this, honestly I don't...

I also obsess about his past, his ex-wife, his debauchery after his divorce from her, his past friends, lovers, etc.

Now this doesn't happen ALL the time; I can go weeks, even months sometimes where this doesn't happen and then BOOM...there it is, in my face and in his face. I absolutely hate it. I can't sleep at night sometimes with the racing thoughts I have. It's driving me crazy. I pride myself on being a strong woman and when this happens, I feel really stupid. I'm 42 years old, attractive, smart, funny, have a great job and a great life. This is the one thing that I'd like to get rid of so I can truly be myself and let go...relax and enjoy all of my life and our lives together. I get anxious a lot and I hate it.

I am currently taking Prozac. It's been over a year and I'm not sure if it's helping anymore. I'm also on Synthroid and Lipitor. I recently had an abdominal hysterectomy and am still recovering from that, so it's been worse lately. I kept my ovaries, but I don't think they're working right at the moment. I don't want to take hormones.

I tried Rozerem for sleep and that was horrible. I had mini nightmares, anxiety, made my insomnia worse and I woke up feeling groggy and cranky.

Can anyone tell me a good medication for OCD and anxiety? I am seeing my doctor next week and I want to discuss a new medication for my OCD.

Thanks for "listening." I would appreciate any thoughts, insight, advice, etc. I don't want to live like this anymore; I have a beautiful life and I don't want it ruined by crazy thoughts that I can't control.


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Old 11-07-2008, 10:57 AM   #2
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: california
Posts: 4
sally48 HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Sounds like there are things in your husbands past that would normally bother a person, but hopefully you've both dealt with them and you've decided to accept him past and present. but if you are ocd then of course you dwell of those things and obsess because you are underconfident of either his love for you or of your own self. If your medicine doesn't seem to be helping you should try zoloft or another kind. Also Xanax or a mild tranquilizer can help calm the thoughts down. Treatment is also more effective with talk therapy also according to all the books I"ve read. I have found in my own life that I couldn't make it without God to talk to and ask him to help me love people like He does...not be jealous, critical etc.

Old 02-18-2009, 05:13 PM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 8
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

You have no idea how Im feeling right now to read your message.
I have the exact same problem. I have never talked about this.
I have rapid , repeated thoughts of him cheating. It comes out of the blue.
I can be just perfectly happy and secure , then boom I start to thinking.
I feel weird at that time. I mean everything will be just great and then the thoughts come out of nowhere ! I want to talk more about this to you.
I have tried to bring this up to others without saying too much or letting them think it was me. No one seemed to understand perfectly. Being jealous is one thing , but when things are ok, and just this thought just jumps out of nowhere and you cant shake it, just cant switch your mind to something else. I so hope you see this and respond.

Last edited by PRIVATEME; 02-18-2009 at 05:15 PM.

Old 02-18-2009, 09:38 PM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
chanel7 HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

I'm no doctor but you have like what sounds to me as OCD "Pure O".
It is what I was diagnosed with about 2 years ago.
It's basically OCD, but without the compulsions (although some people still have the compulsions).
It's all about the Obsessive thoughts, and they generally say that your thoughts tend to be about something that your passionate about or carre about deeply.

<deleted: disallowed details>

You love your husband and your life and your terrified that it is going to be ruined, someone, something, or yourself is going to ruin it.
I understand it is frustrating to you and your husband, but he really needs to understand that it is the OCD thinking this.
Intrusive,unwanted thoughts are all part of this nasty condition.
I found when I first had to start dealing with my intrusive thoughts that I would repeat in my head "It's only the OCD, this is all in my head"
Yes, I got a bit compulsive with repeating that in my head, but that is nothing to worry about becuase it was not a compulsion that was hurting anyone.
Self talk has helped me IMMENSELY.
Try reading up on it. It may help. Knowledge is power.
As far as meds, if what your on is not stoping your thoughts then what your on is not working.
You need to switch meds.
Every dr. is going to prescribe something different.
When I was first being disgnosed, they put me on Seroquel, it is an antipsychotic so it is made to calm your mind (it also helps you sleep), and I found it worked wonders for slowing my mind down.
I even after about 2 months was able to wean off of it, once I had done a bit of CBT.
As far as now, I am still on Paxil. It also worked awesome. It was the only drug I had to try, thankfully, and I am on a very low dose and it helps me mangae day to day.
I rarely ever have the thoughts now, although am still a bit compulsive and sometimes to get anxious etc, but its so bareable.
Paxil is an SSRI, so it is made especially for the anxiety part of mental illness.
I really hope everything works out for you, and I hope your husband can understand.

Old 02-19-2009, 08:37 AM   #5
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 12
Joy2BeWith HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

You might do well on LUVOX. Also, cholesterol lowering meds can cause anxiety and depression due to lowering your cholesterol too low. I was on Simvastatin for a year and half and that medicine made me depressed. When I got off it I felt better 'cause my cholesterol went back to a normal range.

Kaiser is now doing research on how too low cholesterol can cause mental symptoms.

Good luck and hang in there....

Old 02-19-2009, 10:24 AM   #6
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 8
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Chanel17 , I do know what you mean by just trying to tell yourself , quietly to is just the OCD or " O". I have actually practiced that and have had some success with it. Its like I have to tell myself my mind is playing tricks on me, or my mind has a mind of its own , lol. I can sometimes switch my thoughts to something else when I tell myself that. Example , we can be driving down the road, happy looking at nature when it may hit...and I have to battle with my mind , most of the time I wont even let him know. To me, it is an insult to him for me to be thinking this way. I hate being like this. I really do and this is the first time I have ever signed up to a message board of any kind , but when I read nanni8 OCD lastnight I could not believe that someone else suffers from this. I am not on any meds for this,. I am only on Yaz for birth control.

Last edited by PRIVATEME; 02-19-2009 at 10:28 AM.

Old 02-19-2009, 01:10 PM   #7
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 103
nannie8 HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Thank you all so much for your replies!
I am currently taking Cymbalta...just started it a few weeks ago. The doctor thought it would be a good fit for me because it is supposed to help the anxiety and help with chronic pain as well. So far so good, but not an overwhelming difference. I'm sleeping better, but I'm still waking up an hour or two early, which is making me much more tired at the end of the day.

It has been a good few weeks and now I'm finding that if I DO have an obsession or obsessive thought that I can't shake (and it's happening less frequently), I say to my husband "Honey, I have an obsessive thought. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have to voice it, because when I voice it, it's much easier for it to go away for me. I realize that this isn't based on anything you did, it's me, but I still have to get it out." That has been working pretty well. He's becoming more understanding about it because after all, he has many issues that I have been patiently dealing with since we've been together and I'm finally voicing that "hey! I have some "stuff" too and you have to give me the same understanding!" It's working pretty well so far. It seems like the thoughts have much less power after I say them out loud. That is the compulsion part. It's like I HAVE to say it, and then it will go away. Sounds nuts, right? It works for me! The thoughts still get frustrating, but they are coming less and less.

To "privateme", I will respond to your other message very calls...

Thanks again.

Old 02-20-2009, 10:52 AM   #8
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 8
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

nannie8 , thank you. I don't know how to send a private message yet. I still have to look at this page and learn. I just wanted to ask you and others, is there any books out there or videos that you know of that talk directly about "our" situation with OCD OR "o" ? I do realize there are many Im sure on the more common issues like re locking doors, counting , things of that nature, but I was wondering if you have found anything on obsessive, unwanted thoughts of him cheating , etc.
I am just so wanting to understand this now that I see others really do suffer from the same issue . I'm 38 and have never talked about this to another in depth , Ive been ashamed.

Old 01-31-2010, 12:32 PM   #9
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
mg3marie HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

hey im having the same exact things happen to asking my husband of almost 5yrs. questions from years even before i met him. This is tearing up my marriage.Also Im getting pretty scared my marriage is almost done cause of my crazy mind.

Last edited by moderator2; 01-31-2010 at 03:56 PM. Reason: posted contact info - please read the posting rules

Old 02-03-2010, 06:53 PM   #10
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 8
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Im so sorry your going through this. This year I have finally gotten some relief from it by living by some rules. I thought I was going crazy at times...just could not stop having these thoughts go over and over in my mind. I think I have learned how to deal with it somewhat. I finally told myself that I was tired of letting my brain rule me like this. I had to understand what I was believing and hearing and thinking about was not as a big of deal to my partner. In other words I was giving into the lies that were overwhelming my head. I tried to think of them as being demonic in a way. Trying to beat me and destroy my relationship. Once you can convience yourself that its not as REAL as your head is telling you then you will be able to talk yourself out of a crazy thought that sticks. It is only you and your brain that is lieing to you. IT IS NOT reality and it is not OF GOD. It is like having a bad dream. These things may have happened in your partner past , but Im 100% sure he does not think about it anymore like you do. We are giving into the lies , we must take control of our own happiness. When I start to have a thought about my partner , about the past, present or future..I regonize it now...which for the longest time..I COULD NOT. This will be your first step . Recognize you are having repeated thoughts. Second tell yourslef you are not crazy , its just your mind trying to rule you..this is not normal and we must distract ourselves. I do that by calling it what it is , A LIE. Prayer helps me too...I ask God to give me relief from it, that its killing me.
I did buy the book BRAIN LOCK about OCD , great book...but back a year ago when I first read it , it honstly scared me more..I thought I DONT have the problem with washing my hands, checking doors, etc...oh no, whats wrong me and my situation on obsessing about my partners ex women, women in his life now and future...I felt hopless...but then after prayer and calming down I begin to read it and have a open mind and told myself maybe it doesnt apply to exactly what I go through , but perhaps I can use some of the tools that are given....and sure enough, eventually I did. Just so you can getan idea....I would make a fantastic investigator..if I wanted to find out anything I would stay up all night until I got to the bottem of it. Research and search. But this finally came to my attention...while I use to not notice that behavior,,,I do now...and I may be 15 min , an hour or a day or two into the repeated, crazy thoughts...but then I would catch myself...and say no , call myself by my name and say...what are you doing...get a grip , its not worth it...ITS NOT WORTH IT, ITS NOT WORTH IT....because my brain is fooling with me and in reality its NOT WORTH IT. If you dont normally pray....go to God with this...YOU and your relationship is worth and ask him to calm your brain down, to help you know when it starts and to help you get past it before you hurt yourself and the one you love...


Old 02-09-2010, 01:17 PM   #11
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
mg3marie HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

i am 26 married to a wonderful man. We have 2 children. I have bipolar & ocd. My ocd is hurting my marriage cause i constantly ask questions to my husband things that happened yrs ago i didnt even know him. also i asked him who was his 1st hes slept with and on and on. Hes told me if i keep asking these old questions he will file for so scarred i cant help my on proxac & LITHIUM & klonopin. please help me.

Old 02-11-2010, 08:52 PM   #12
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 0
sweetgirl9 HB User
Re: My OCD is affecting my marriage; help!

Hi Nannie8,

I completely understand what you are going through because I also suffer from OCD. My hubby gets so irritated with my repeated questions that i sometimes think that he will run away from me someday.

I have recently come across some natural therapies to deal with OCD and it seems to be helping me. To be very honest I didn't even know that it was called OCD, I used to think that I was insane doing such things(counting, re-arranging, asking same question again and again, dreadful thoughts, touching same thing 10 times). I came to know about it recently (about a month back) and I started to do some research online.

After searching for almost 10 days(day and night) I bought some stuff online. My first purchase was a Hypnosis CD which is all about OCD and how to get rid of it, a book called "You the Healer: The World-Famous Silva Method on How to Heal Yourself and Others" and Bach remedies(Cherry Plum, White Chestnut, Crab Apple, Aspen , Rescue remedy).

Its been less than a week but I am already feeling great! I have also cut down on Caffeine and Sugar that used to trigger my OCD.

I hope it helps!

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