picnicghost

I googled up OCD, having a suspicion that I may have it after suffering daily over my self destructive negative thoughts.

I landed on someone's message here, and realized how my possible OCD is quite mild compared to others' here.

I'd like to share my biography surrounding this disorder in efforts to express myself fully in hopes that someone may be able to help me figure this out.

It is difficult and hard to live with... I am 22 and it started when I was 12. Life was ordinary up until then. When I had trouble gaining friends or being liked in the new school, I slowly became extremely paranoid in a span of a year. I felt everyone hated me and gossiped about me because I had a crush on a popular kid and I was unworthy. The bullying was not evident but I could feel their weighing eyes on me, making me react extremely inside. It seemed my paranoia of being bullied silently was true, as I was shoved violently out of nowhere by a stranger that I felt was part of the bullying.
So this might indicate that I was keen in how I am perceived and reacted accordingly... or that I might have played right into their hands and became the "perfect weakling" for them to pick on.

The suspicions I had for others remained and framed my behavior from thereon. I didn't trust anyone, held cynical views of others, and remained very paranoid of possible negative intentions from others.
I didn't take into account of my own behaviors, which acted very defensively, difficult, and antagonistic. Because I expected the worse and was sure of it, I unknowingly behaved in a manner that would match my expectations, which is to behave poorly and unkindly. So I then attracted large unwanted negative attitudes towards me from others, believing that their friendliness was just a farce and that they would be unkind to be in the end. I would wear their patience out as a proof that I was right.

Things got worse as I made a victim out of my self near the late teenage years. I did not learn anything about adapting and coping, so life was unbearable. Things seemed hopeless as all the negative attention I've accumulated grew heavy on my shoulders, as I replayed all of them over again and again in my head. It was like a brainwashing to make sure I headed towards the darker path, the only thing I was sure of in my life.

Though I've learned a lot and quelled many problems, I still suffer from strong negative feelings towards others because of the belief that everyone will hate me for "insert a rationale about myself" (the rationale always changes but I believe they are correct).
It's still so bad that I have strong doubts about my future, that I won't be able to get a job because everyone will see I'm intolerable and dislike me. Which leads to me being homeless.
Daily life is also burdened heavily, I've receded into shutting myself in.
When I went to regular classes or part time jobs, the pressure of not fitting in and ultimately being disliked got so bad that I always got burnt out or quit.

I suffer anxiety attacks nearly everyday because I feel I have to expose myself to a bunch of people I deal with. These attacks and the constant morose I am under makes me irresponsible of things I'm obligated to, making my life difficult even more.
When I do expose myself, I behave in a hostile manner, or cold and distant. Not because I want to, but because all I'm feeling is the pressure I'm under.

I feel devastated when I see people who seem to live without a care, their productive activities showing that they have the capacity to carry out such means because they are not always distracted by problems like mine.


Whenever I sense that I could be ridiculed or that the people will be unkind to me, I react adversely... And if I feel they are kind and very open, I feel they will see how limited I am in returning the favor and reject me...
To both of them I react adversely... the emotions and feelings of anxiety are much too strong for me to cope with well, effecting me for hours.
I can't even picture how I'd befriend someone. It just seems that impossible.

If I wasn't clear in explaining the OCD part, I'm always thinking about problems. Always have. And I'm always feeling terrible, especially after an incident of relevance.
Perhaps with a benefit of a doubt, trusting others and carrying on in that matter would do the trick. But I'm afraid it's not so easy for me... I'd fall into either extreme disappointment or extreme euphoria... extreme euphoria being the most vulnerable to extreme disappointment. Maybe with practice it'd get better, but in a realistic setting, people do not want to deal with people with apparent issues... and I feel I'd get easily exploited for whatever reasons.



Sorry for such a long post. I'd get therapy if money wasn't an issue, as I'm sure I'd be getting good help that way.
What does everyone think of my problems?