Horrible ocd thoughts? - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Hamilton92 · 12-06-2008, 11:17 PM

I feel like a horrible horrible person. Today I was at my parents house helping my mom with cleaning her home for family that is coming into town for Christmas. We were walking down the stairs together and for a moment out of nowhere I thought she is moving too slow and had an horrible thought of what if I pushed her down the stairs what would happen. I got lost in my thoughts almost like I was daydreaming and then realized what I had thought and felt so horrible and just disgusted with myself that I ever would let that cross my mind. I am positive I have ocd although I haven't been to a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.
Was this an example of an ocd episode or something worse?
I can't quit thinking about it hours later it just came back into my thoughts that why did I ever even let that cross my mind. I just want to cry and I hate myself, I love my mother very much and why would I ever think of a horrible thing like this? I really hate myself right now I am so sad and scared of my thoughts.

breakthecycle · 12-07-2008, 04:33 AM

I believe that is the compulsive side of what we suffer from. Do you get impatient ofter? I do, but for me, something kicks in at the last second and slaps me in the face. Alot of the time, when I'm not having those thoughts, I think of the consequences. Deep down I'm sure we don't want to hurt ourselves or anyone else. Take care.

Hamilton92 · 12-07-2008, 09:58 AM

I do get impatient at times. Do OCD sufferers have temper problems?

breakthecycle · 12-07-2008, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamilton92

I do get impatient at times. Do OCD sufferers have temper problems?

I have recently been to a therapist who told me I have mild OCD. I've felt this way for a long time though. I can't speak for anyone else but I have a problem with my temper. When I am very anxious I end up yelling or slamming objects. For me this is worse around that time of the month. I don't keep track so it always creeps up on me. Unfortunately, my kids witness my outbursts. My 11 year old comes up behind me, rubs my back and tells me to take deep breaths.

As nice as that is, I should be able to control myself. I don't hurt anyone but at my worst I just want to jump out of my skin!

Hamilton92 · 12-07-2008, 12:33 PM

Your children can't get taken into care because of a parents ocd can they? I know I can be so hateful and short tempered at times then immediately feel like an idiot and hate myself.
I think I am avoiding therapy because of what the psychiatrist or therapist will say about me or do to me as far as committing me to inpatient therapy.I am the only wageearner for my home, my husband is disabled fighting social security and basically I can't afford it either.
I am so scared of my violent thoughts, they just pop into my head without warning. The frustration and temper also seems to be worse at that time of the month for me.
I just tell myself that I am not an evil person, I love my family and would never harm them and the ocd temporarily goes away when I convince myself that I am not going to do these evil things and harm someone I love.