Can't handle this - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Jason_23 · 12-27-2008, 04:17 AM

I keep having this thought that I may have had oral sex with a 6 year old when I was about 13 or 14. As horrible as this may sound, I did have that thought enter my mind at that age but I don't know why. The problem is this thought only started to become realistic in my mind when I was 23, although I know that I never acted on the thought, but now I keep on doubting it. The thought did go away but then it came back, i'm now 25. I feel really anxious also because I keep thinking that God is the only person who really knows, and what if I did do it but what if I don't remember doing it, and I worry that I might be sent me to hell, even though I don't believe in hell, the OCD makes me think that it might be possible. I'm just tired of beating myself up over this when I know that it really didn't happen, but I will keep doubting it. I just don't know how to get past such a horrible thought like this one, when I wouldn't do anything like this. I feel so upset.

skamonkey · 12-27-2008, 07:14 AM

do you do any sort of drugs? serious question, because those can have a power effect on your mind and make you think things that possibly could not be real...and i dont mean psychotropic drugs like acid or muchrooms, cocaine will make you think really bad sometimes and you can trick yourself into thinking things happened when they may not have. If this is a real thing that you believe to be true, see a psychiatrist...immediately...

Kathrin74 · 12-27-2008, 03:41 PM

Dear Jason,
be at peace. First of all, we all know how OCD is - it makes us believe WEIRD things.
A spiritual advisor at church once told me to recognize and accept such OCD thoughts, kind of tell them, hello, it's you again, I realize you're there, but I am over here, where there is joy... See them outside of yourself, kind of.

Also, I believe in a forgiving God. God even forgives people who truly committed sinful acts when they are sorry and repent; do you think He would be sending you to hell for something you are not even sure anymore whether you did it or not?
(And let's be clear, I mean, the possibility that you actually did it is... ha, so small, I would say, not bigger than in the general poupulation).

Also, if you really DID do something as a KID - I mean, you would have been a KID and grown a lot since then!
This just to sday that even ID you did something like that, that doesn't mean you cannot be forgiven! But really, it sounds like just an OCD thought anyway.

Remember also that OCD thoughts don't stay forever. The thought will fade away again.

Are you getting any kind of help for your OCD?

Kathrin

Jason_23 · 01-03-2009, 04:37 AM

Thank you for your answers. I was doing ok trying to deal with the thought up until today. It is really getting to me again. I keep trying to search for a definite answer but I wont be able to find one because when I do that I just go around in circles, even though I know the answer is highly likely to be "no it didn't happen." I don't seem to be able to accept this as a good enough answer. I sometimes hate myself and start to lose self respect because of this horrible thought. I have thoughts such as being disgusted with myself, which I can understand if it did happen, but i'm sure i'm putting myself through this punishment for nothing. I really just want to say ok, this didn't happen, and then move on and just get myself away from this horrible thought. It's hard enough trying to do that with OCD, and to answer your question skamonkey, I haven't taken any drugs before.

Jason_23 · 01-24-2009, 11:58 PM

Here I am again worse off than I was before, to the point where I am unable to do things because this thought has knocked me down with a vengeance. It really is driving me insane that I am trying to analyze the thought so much that it just wont stop circling through my mind. Day after day I'm tired of trying to pin point what age I was and how old the kid was. In my mind i'm always thinking that if this "may" have happened, was I 12, 13 or 14, was the kid 5 or 6. I just don't get why it isn't enough to say to myself, that 10 years just doesn't go by with the thought being non existent, instead I think that all of a sudden it could have happened. I think the main problem is that it is too distant now, that I am unable to decide whether it is true or not. It just kills me inside. Ironically, I have been working in a place for 7 years where part of my job is collecting money from criminals, including paedophiles who owe money for the crime that they have done. Having said that, this thought didn't start until recently, so even when I first started this job I would have thought that would have triggered this obsession straight away, so I still don't understand why I battle with this thought.