Hello all, I'm new to this board...
(This is a really long one, but I just need to get it out. I'd really like some help)
Anyways, I've had problems off and on with OCD since I was 11 (for sure, but probably earlier). From about 11-13 I used to be obsessive about hand washing and erasing, and re-writing things in order to keep loved ones safe. Somehow I managed to get over that and then when I was 14 or so I developed HOCD (which I didn't realize was a form of OCD until I read the article "I think it moved" 3 weeks ago). So from 14-16ish or so I thought maybe I was a lesbian or bi. Then... I got my first BF and that died down- we dated for a bit, broke up, and then I met my first love.
I fell in love with him insanely fast, like 4 days. Weird, I know... I think a lot of it had to do with my age and the newness of feeling such powerful emotions with another human being (I did then, and do now, mostly keep to myself). Anyhow, I can't remember when exactly during that relationship that I started to seriously doubt my love for him---probably a month or so into it. The doubts were relentless, I remember thinking someday I'd break up with him, and break his heart. We dated for 7 months, and then he broke it off. I was a wreak for years, and it was only made worse by him continually trying to get back together with me. I know I loved him-and he loved me, but he broke up with me because I spent too much time on art and school. I can be obsessive about my artwork and learning, which I don't see as a bad thing most of the time. I never realized that these doubts were OCD related until three weeks ago, it was like a huge light bulb went off when I read the above article.
Anyways... between 17 and 23 I've dated a lot of boys. My parent made the suggestion when I was 18, to date around and I took it. Most of my relationships have lasted only 2-3 months, one lasting 9 months and another lasting almost a year. I usually had a fairly easy time breaking things off, as I just knew the relationship would never go anywhere. Many times the boys said the "loved" me and I knew I would never feel the same way back. So I ended things. I often felt like they were filler because I was still in love with my first love. The one I was with for 9 months (when I was 17-18) was a drug addicted and I really have no idea why I stayed. I did like him for his good qualities, but I always felt the drugs were more important than me. Plus it bothered me that he wanted to quit for me, but not for himself. The year relationship was by far the best one I've been in so far. We got along great but near the end I just wanted out, I loved him as a person, but wasn't in love with him. Interestingly the two longest relationships I've had since I was 19 had been between 21-22 when I was on the antidepressant lexapro . One I would have dated longer, but he cheated on me. The year long relationship I was just starting to tapper off lexapro when we met, the relationship ended a bit after I had finally tappered myself completely off.
Then after that relationship ended in Feb 2008, I went on a dating rampage. I had fun, had flings, went on dates just to go on a date. Then I decided that that was enough playing around. I really wanted to meet someone I could date for a long time. I have been sick of just having surface relationships for quite a while actually. I have finally noticed that when a guy and I are actually compatable I get scared and run- and fast. Those boys never get the title of BF. I usually don't let them get close, the only time I did was when I was on lexapro. I have only recently come to this realization.
So, in November I meet a boy on an online dating site that I was insanely physically attracted to based on his picture (I'm very picky) and then we talked on the phone for 3 hours! Which is nuts. We had so much in common it was scary. So we meet, and we really hit if off. Our first date lasted from 6pm til 3am. And that was time spent talking, eating, and dancing. It was a blast. Then I got a little nervous when he started to show more interest. I had just ended a friend w/benefits things with a guy that moved away, and still had some feelings for (which are now gone), so I was a little apprehensive of jumping into something quickly, and it scared me how much we had in common and got along. I felt like I wanted to run--- like with boys I actually really liked in the past. But I didn't want to run this time so I told him to take it slow- so he did, and then about two weeks I realized he was a great guy and I shouldn't be scared, siting past mess ups. A huge thing for me was how well we could communicate about anything and everything. It is weird to note that usually I'm all for telling someone he's my BF very quickly, but with him I wasn't... I just knew it would happen, and I was fine taking my time. A month into things I finally felt good calling him my BF. Then shortly thereafter--- around NYE, he left for 4 days and I was left with my thougts. I hadn't had these sort of feelings for someone since my first love- and it freaked me out and made me happy at the same time- while I knew I didn't love him, I had this feeling I actually could someday- and that was a totally new thing for me. To actually think I could feel love for him. It was kinda similar to how I knew we would be BF and GF but I wasn't in a rush. I said to myself "I'm not in love with him yet, but I think I will be someday." Then a few days passed and I got this weird "knowledge" so to say- not really a feeling, but a knowing... it's hard for me to explain- that "I'm gonna marry him someday". I've never thought that seriously about ANYONE I've dated. I entertained the though with the year long guy- but I just really couldn't see it with him.
Well, I told him how I felt, and then a few days after I started having terrible doubts and started picking things apart that I didn't like about him. It's funny, because a few things that bothered me about him when we first meet I have grown to love about him- he has a bit of a pot belly, one very crooked tooth, is balding a bit, and is almost 12 years my senior. But now I'm totally cool with those things and find them endearing.
But I pick other things apart and worry about the following...
like is he smart enough, is he the one, will you ever love him, you won't ever love him, you have too much sex, it's just about the sex, your parents will think he's not good enough, is he good enough, can you do better, if your thinking these things you should leave, if you guys fight you should leave, his business partner sometimes drives you nuts so you should leave, if you get married you'll get a divorce, he's lazy (even though he is opening up a new business as I type this!!!), am I forcing this relationship? I feel like some of these seem rational and some of them don't at all. They nag at me and give me a sinking feeling. And sometimes I just feel totally helpness and in a panic.
I get so worked up over these things, I can't tell what's up from down. They are driving me crazy. Some times I just want to break up with him to end the thoughts, and because I think that the relationship has failed (like how I felt with my first love). But then when I really think about it and when I'm calm, that's not what I want at all. I wake up worried, I've started to obsessively look up info to validate my thoughts, I ruminate over and over them in my head. I know when I'm calm I can let 99% of the doubts slide off me. When I don't feel all anxious (which is sometimes) I miss him, I actually feel happy with him, I want to be committed to him, I enjoy his company and his thoughts and opinions on things, I think he's extremely artistically talented, I love that he is motivated enough to start his own business. It's weird because I don't feel afraid to be alone per-say. I'm alone most of the time due to my job, and I never was one to feel I had to be in a relationship. But I don't want to be without him. Does that make sense?
I told him about these thoughts a week ago, when I just couldn't take the guilt anymore- I immediately felt better after I told him. For a day or so I was fine. Then they started again. I have since bought myself an OCD workbook and am looking for a therapist. I don't want these thought to ruin a good thing! But then I don't know if it's a good thing sometimes!!! Oh, I just hate this.
It seems like most on this board have been with their SO for a long time before doubts started to pop up. I don't know if he's just not right for me, or if I'm scared ****less about falling in love again or what. It's so weird... did you guys have any ROCD stuff happen in the beginning of a relationship? Am I just making excuses to be with him. I'm having a hard time figuring all this out... part of me thinks maybe I am making excuses, part of me thinks it's OCD. In the past it was so easy for me to break things off. I don't know what's wrong with me
and... if you got to the end of my post, thanks for bearing with me.