Hi there! I'm new to these forums. I just found out today about this relationship OCD and since I identified with so many who posted their experiences, I thought I'd talk about my own for a bit to see if you guys think it's what I have. I've been in my relationship for five months and I think I've always had looming doubts, but they got a lot worse three months in.
My first constant worry was that we had no chemistry. Everyone describes their kissing experiences with significant others as groundbreaking, weak-in-the-knees affairs, and it's NEVER been like that for me. I love kissing him, but then with all of this crap I read, I got in my head that we had no chemistry. So when we'd be kissing and I would be feel tingles or sparks or whatever, I'd be like, "Oh my god, we have chemistry! Yay! Now I need to keep feeling like this for it to be real chemistry, right? Right???" And then the feeling would go away. This obviously turned cyclical. I became paranoid that I was in a passionless relationship.
Then I began worrying about if he was the "right one" for me. I'd disregard ALL the MANY qualities that make him the "right one" for me and focus on what was wrong with him: he's not the greatest conversation-starter. We can talk and talk for hours, but it's always me who starts it and I kept thinking, "If he were the right one for me, he'd be able to strike up an interesting conversation, right??" Same with humor. And the thing is - he IS funny. We DO talk a lot, about many many things. But not every moment is rigged with a punch line or meaningful conversation, which threw me off.
I kept trying to get that "you just know" feeling with him. "You just know you love him." "You just know he's the one." Etc. And yes there are definitely times when I feel this immense amount of love for him, or when I feel he's the one, but it's not this constant thing. So I'll doubt what I feel -- I'll fear I don't truly love him, that I don't truly want to be with him, and I'll feel fake for being with him or for saying I love him.
The worst part is when the thoughts get so bad that I look them up online and every relationship site tells me having so many doubts means the relationship is broken. Because I do NOT want to break up with him. I may even entertain the idea in my mind, but when I think I'll actually do it, I begin crying really hard. And then I wonder if it's just me being a coward in the face of a failed relationship. If there's any chance at all this relationship is as wonderful as I want to believe it is, if all my worries are for nothing.
Then, like magic, I have a day or two of clarity where I feel with all my heart that this is the right relationship, that I love him, that he's the one.
Then everything starts back up again.
I think what triggered the really bad case of ROCD, if that's what I had, was that in our three month celebration he told he hoped it was the first three of many months together--infinite months together, preferably. I was like, "How can he be so sure of this when I can't be???" To make matters worse, this is my first relationship. My first everything. So I was worried my lack of experience would get in the way.
But when I sit down like this and I really think about it, I get flooded with this intense sense of peace inside because I know he's it. He's my best friend. He's the guy I feel so comfortable with, emotionally, spiritually, physically. We have a mental bond, a physical one, and emotional one. I haven't trusted anyone like I trust him in so long. In almost every way, he's perfect for me. I'm not just saying that.
And despite posting all of this, I'll bet any of you good money that tomorrow I'll wake up with all my doubts and the anxiety it brings me. The same anxiety that makes me wake up in the middle of the night, in the middle of an attack, because I don't know how to fix this.
Could this be ROCD? Sorry for making this so long, but I could really use someone who understands. No one else in my life gets it.
The kissing stuff is like a female version of erectile dysfunction... you're doin fine, and then you THINK about it, so the sparks go away... it doesn't mean there aren't sparks, but sparks can't exist when you're constantly analyzing them.
Yes it sounds like ROCD. Most people in relationships, especially at the beginning, look at their partners with rose-colored glasses. They definitely don't obsess about what's WRONG with their partner. On the contrary. Most people don't obsess about their relationships. Sure they have issues and worries that come up, but they mostly just enjoy them and don't think about them so much... if you're waking up having a panic attack thinking about this stuff constantly, it's most likely ROCD. I would NOT break up with your guy - he sounds very sweet and you trust him! That's special. You will regret it if you break up with him, I guarantee. Try to get counseling or at least some books about OCD and start looking at ways you can work on this. You don't wanna lose a great thing because of your own head telling you lies. Oh, and no one feels constant love and sparks for their partner. It's normal to have great conversations, and to sometimes sit around and just be bored together. That's pretty much intimacy, so all the stuff you're worrying about is nothing and doesn't prove you don't love your partner at ALL. My therapist made me STOP looking up any sort of symptoms or "do i love my partner," "signs that my partner loves me" kind of stuff which I used to do all the time. It can never be enough, and you'll only hold on to the bad stuff and think they're true. They're talking about people who don't have ROCD; your doubts are different altogether.
Wow that was long! So... in summation... try to get therapy, if you can't afford it or whatever try to get a book about OCD and "brain lock"... stop looking up symptoms or signs to prove you don't love your boyfriend online... (now I just limit it to this website but I don't go on any other websites for that kind of stuff)... don't break up with your man, just try to enjoy him and remember that no one has constant excitement and passionate, romantic love feelings... that stuff only lasts for awhile for EVERYONE... it fades... that's just infatuation, real love is something much deeper and that doesn't fade.
I am new to all of this myself so not sure whether you suffer from it either, however all I know is that I definately did feel love, passion and complete contentment and happiness with my boyfriend. It all just seem to disappear literally 'overnight'! Or more to the point I felt slightly down one day and then started to obsess about it and the reason I felt MUST be that I don't love him anymore - this made me panic to the point where my hands went numb and tingly and I couldn't breathe properly. In turn I have now entered this vicious cycle where one minute I am calm but feel depressed, and the next I am not depressed but I am anxious and my thoughts are irrational! I know that being 'in love' with someone gradually disappears in all relationships and that the original spark that so many people talk of does disappear, however I am confused as to why I can go from being in love and loving someone dearly to feeling depressed and completely confused within a few days for no reason whatsoever! I DESPERATELY don't want to feel this way and just want to go back to how I felt a few weeks ago but not sure how to deal with it! It's like when I think about normal stuff that I would normally think about ie buying a birthday present for him, withing a split second my thoughts are saying 'but why, you don't love him, you are trapped and need to get out'! And then my stomach turns and I feel deeply depressed. All I know is that I don't think it's a normal reaction in any relationship to SUDDENLY start having such strong feelings of doubt overnight so there must be a physical/psychological reason which exacerbates these thoughts.
Digmusic do you suffer yourself from rocd? If so - do you think I may suffer from the same? I have been in my relationship for nearly three years and this all started with absolute dread that I was falling out of love with him because I had felt a bit depressed and bored at his one night. I came home and obsessed about it - testing my feelings all of the time - and then gradually got more and more panicked and then depressed. Problem is the my feelings went completely numb and I couldn't feel anything. When I think of seeing him at the weekend (we are long distance) I can one minute imagine nice feelings and the next I just think ' I will be desperately depressed' and then I actually feel it!
To the second poster, love can't just fade overnight... you're just "ocd'ing" and worrying about something that isn't real. Something triggered it lately but you don't just suddenly stop loving someone you care about. That ain't it. I have that too where I feel depressed and calm, or anxious and not depressed... depression is like a state of resigning, and when you're anxious that is more energizing... my therapist always says he'd rather I be anxious and energized than depressed because then I "numb out".
I hope these feelings (or lack of!) disappear soon! I am going for CBT and counselling as I was badly bullied by my boss at work which resulted in a year long trial. I don't know whether this has anything to do with what has happened now because that all ended a year ago. I have never had any mental health issues in the past (diagnosed) however I know I have had slight ocd thoughts before but never reacted to them!
I have been reading that ocd tends to attack what is most important to you and I can certainly say that my boyfriend was/is the most important thing in my life and I am devastated that this could all disappear so quickly! It's just it feels so real sometimes! But then, the other night when I was on the phone to him, I dropped my guard momentarily and forgot about it, and it was only after the call that I realised I had felt jealous when he mentioned that he had been chatting to his mates new girlfriend and thought she was very nice (crazy, I know!!). So maybe that just shows that if I forget about it then my feelings will return!
Wow! I can absolutely 100% relate to everything everyone is saying.
It's comforting to know that there are others out there that feel the same way.
I've recently started therapy to try and address these issues. Most therapists I've seen, seem to dismiss the idea of ROCD and think that my subconscious is just telling me something and I need to listen. I very much disagree with them, as I know I love my boyfriend of 3 years deep down and WANT to be with him.
Is it possible to just have ROCD, without OCD in other parts of my life? How do I go about finding a therapist that will address these things without just dismissing my feelings?
I've been with my fiance for about 2.5 years. I think my ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) began about 2 years ago. This post may be a little long and all over the place. It's hard to focus on everything that has gone on.
Initially, when Jon and I met, I wasn't sure about how "into" him I was. I didn't have that immediate attraction. He wasn't my normal type. But, I gave him a chance and ended up being pleasantly surprised. I ended up falling in love with him and felt like I was so happy I didn't break it off with him because "his jeans weren't the right color" and "his musical tastes didn't mimic mine". Stupid reasons, I know. Accepting these "differences" was always a little unsettling for me I guess. I have always been told that when you meet the right one, everything will be magical. You will know immediately. They will be "perfect" for you in every way. Well, my fiance wasn't my impression of perfect. He was a great guy, but never "perfect" as I had imagined it to be.
Several months in, I went through a really tough time at work and was bullied by my supervisor. When I went to my fiance to vent, he would suggest what to do. When I wouldn't take his advice or wouldn't take care of the situation in a different, he told me in a very nice way that he didn't want to hear about it anymore. This was the first moment that I felt that panic feeling. I was floored that he didn't respond the right way and my immediate response in my head was "he isn't the one. he didn't know what to say to you, so this isn't the right relationship". I seemed to dismiss all of my other feelings and became completely obsessed with this one situation. I started so many arguments over it and couldn't drop it. I started to resent him because he wasn't perfect, while loving him at the same time- such a confusing feeling. I didn't care that maybe he didn't know to say, as our relationship was only 4 months old. He didn't do it my way, so it wasn't right.
Many of my friends were starting relationships at the same time. I began to compare my fiance to their boyfriends. I started to ask questions about their relationships to see if my relationship was "normal". My friends would talk about meeting the "love of their lives". I became obsessed with that idea and started to test my feelings. I would ask myself constantly after everything he said and did, if I could say he was the love of my life. I began to feel so confused because sometimes he was and other times he wasn't. I felt like my feelings were all over the place, up and down, strong and weak. At times, I felt so connected and invested in the relationship and other times like we had no connection. I felt like I should have butterflies all the time (like in movies). I started to worry I was settling. Maybe I wasn't in the right relationship because he couldn't make me happy every second of the day. I should add this is the first serious relationship I've ever been in. I've never gotten past the "butterfly feelings" with someone before. I would go to sleep curled next to him feelings so content and wake up in hysterics because something just didn't feel right. Sometimes the feeling would pass in a little while, sometimes it would last days, weeks. Then, the cycle would repeat.
Other things started to affect me. TV, songs on the radio, people walking down the street, co-workers talking about their relationships and how "magical" they are. Mentally, I stopped functioning. I was melting down emotionally on the inside. It was all I could do to get through a day. My mind was racing with thoughts and worries. I felt like I didn't know what was real because my feelings changed so often. I would go to my girlfriends to vent and the more advice they gave me, the worse it got. They didn't truly understand my feelings and would tell me to break it off with Jon because relationships should be easy. So, now, every disagreement we had (even minor ones over dinner choices) became major arguments. I would obsess how we couldn't EVER agree, even though that wasn't true at all.
Fast forward to June, Jon proposed (without me expecting it). I said yes and was happy for about 2 days. Then, that panic feeling came back. "Maybe this isn't it", "He doesn't like to do all the same things as me..it's not right" "I don't have butterflies all the time, so I'm not in love anymore" - these kinds of thoughts flooded my head. I ended up breaking it off with him and was so mean in the process. I didn't even care about being mean while I was doing it. I started to think that maybe I was a sociopath. I felt somewhat releaved, but at the same time not happy-because I wasn't with him. I started to question my sexuality. I felt like maybe I like girls because I've had so many failed relationships. In the recent months, we weren't as intimate as usual, which further fueled my questioning.
Over the next year, we broke it off 2 other times. The same types of behaviors continued. We always ended up back together because deep down I know I love him and want to be with him. Typing that right now, makes me spike a little for some reasons, like I'm lying to myself. My family started to tell me my feelings and emotions weren't stable. They recognized that I needed to talk to someone, which I did. I've gone to severl therapists, who seem to dismiss my feelings.
Recently, I noticed a new trigger- whenever people, or songs, talk about failed relationships, I feel like my relationship is failed. A co-worker was talking about how she knew her relationship was done because she didn't want to have sex anymore and didn't want to hang out with him all the time. I start panicking because there have been times I felt like I didn't want to be intimate or didn't want to be with him all the time. I felt guilty like I should break up with him too. I went from feeling so happy and in love, to feeling like my relationship is a sham in a matter of minutes. Every time I hear someone talk negatively, I compare my relationship to the situation and want to throw everything away.
Just this morning, I woke up from a dream. It was about an ex. I thought about how I never dream about Jon. I started to panic like this was telling me something - he wasn't in my dreams, so I don't love him. I live with this feeling every day. Some days its like background noise- there, but I can ignore it and not be taken over by my thoughts. Other days, it cripples me. I feel the most sorry for Jon, as he is the one if affects most. He is so great and supportive about it.
There is so much more, but this is my story in a nutshell. I started googling relationship advice. Every sight would tell me my relationship is toxic, based on how I am feeling. Then, I stumbled upon ROCD. I feel like there are so many experiences and stories that sound just like mine. It's comforting to know I'm not crazy and there are others who are experiencing what I am. Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.
prettyhowtown ive been expeirencing the same thing my bf of 2 years is my first everything, ive had the same thoughts for about 3 months, maybe i dont love him, maybe i never did, or i think hes ugly i test my feelings by kissing him n when i dont feel anything i panic, also i have lack of expierence and i worry that is i dont have any we wont work, i think this was triggered by our past cheating in the relationship, after realizing he really loves me and stuff i began to have doubts...its horriible i want it to stop,,,ive become numb and feel nothing for everything,,i keep thinkin i need someone else to be happy or be single i hate it i cant get these thoughts out of my head.. so im with u~!!!
Hey girl, about your thread about not knowing whether you really have rocd, it really sounds to me that you proabably do. actually exactly how you are talking is how i feel, and it is so reassuring to hear someone else going through this. someone else replied to you and said that the infatuation and constant sparks that we long for is just the initial lust- i really think that's so true and important. You hear people all the time saying that marriage is hard work- and that's because real life is different from the first few months of a relationship. All the things you said about your bf are amazing, and it sounds like he is a great guy. These posts and stuff are so helpful, so hopefully we can stay in touch through this page . I hope that by realizing that you are anxious about your relationshop and obssessing about it you can get some more peace- by realizing that it's your brain going rowdy, and not really a true problem.
At the end of the day i am convinced that even if you have thoughts as we do throughout the day, if at the end of the night you are happy to lay in his arms, it's safe to say you are in the right place (of course this doesn't have to be the exact kind of moment... just any time when the racing, doubtful thoughts go away ).
Let's just try to remember that love is not easy, and that's why people that have been married for many years always say it's a lot of work.
I hope you reply and we can chat some more, and i hope you've been doing good lately, enjoying the great man you have, and the moment. Good luck, talk to you soon i hope
The Following User Says Thank You to kmillers For This Useful Post: Alexandra956 (10-30-2012)
Hi there, I was just googling and found this site and I'd never heard about ROCD before til i came here.
Im convinced this is what I have and its such a weight off my shoulders - I was starting to think I was totally insane!
Ive had OCD most of my life but its gotten worse as Ive got older, im a compulsive handwasher now which is a royal pain in the proverbials. I never thought my OCD would worm its way into my love life though.
Ive been with my man 2 and a half months and already I know he's the one for me, he's like me in male form lol. My problem is that in the past Ive cheated on men quite a lot, usually because I wasnt happy so I moved onto someone else to make sure that I'd never be alone, I was a serial monogamist for a long long time. I'm not proud of it but Ive always believed that I'd grow up and grow out of it and I feel that I am slowly getting there.
So now Ive met the right man and everything was going great, you know the honeymoon period, the butterflies, long talks, laughter etc etc but then we had a talk and he said he couldnt forgive a girl for cheating on him cos he's been cheated on before.
Fair enough I thought, thats a normal thing to say. Except within about 2 hours I could feel the thoughts starting, 'what if I cheat on him in the future cos im not happy anymore?' 'what if I really hurt him?' 'what if im not meant to be faithful to one man' 'am i just a tart who cant keep her legs together' 'im just a bad person who hurts everyone i come across' etc etc etc
I tried to ignore the thoughts - so far ive had no inclination to cheat on him, im perfectly happy with him so I thought the thoughts will die away on their own as i settle into the relationship. How wrong I was! the thoughts got stronger and stronger til i couldnt think of anything else anymore and i exploded and called him up crying saying i cant take it anymore Ill definitely hurt you one day so im ending it now!
I broke his heart big time but eventually he talked me round and we got back together, I had about 3 days peace from the doubts and then they came flooding back.
Its driving me insane! Im sure everyone has these thoughts, a lot of people go on to cheat in their marriages or relationships but I bet they dont spend all day everyday worrying when they will do it!
its like a stuck record of ruminating doubts that have no reason to be there, he keeps telling me to cross that bridge when we get to it and if i get to that stage just to tell him and we will part ways before i do anything to hurt him. He's amazingly understanding about it all but i just cant shake off these repeating thoughts, its so unfair, why cant we just enjoy being in love and have fun and deal with things as and when they crop up?
I was on sertraline for a while in 2007 and that took the edge off but it made me gain a lot of weight and messed with my sex drive so i came off it, has anyone had success with dealing with this stuff on their own? Or can anyone recommend a better medication?
Any advice would be great right now
Wow that's so funny because stopping worrying and enjoying the moment are exactly (to a T) what Pam and I were just talking about. Sounds like you are doubting yourself a lot, and wondering why which is exactly how i feel when i have thoughts of questioning my relationship. I'm sure that the fact that you've been in that situation before only makes it harder, which i also completely understand (my boyfriend got laid off a while ago, which makes the feelings even worse). I can totally feel your pain. I don't know of any medicines that work, but i do know of a few things that help me:
realizing that these thoughts are crazy and not trying to rationalize them, but instead give them no power at all- push them away because you know that they are just unnecessary thoughts that only hurt you and your relationship.
Also, reminding myself that i am lucky to be with him helps the feelings, too. I think that sometimes it was always, "am I sure i want to be with him? Is this what I want?" yadda yadda yadda... on and on about me, but then it ocurred to me that he has a choice of whether or not to be here too, and i am lucky that he is.
I hope this doesn't sound like i have it all figured out, as i told pam before, i am trying to work on all these things myself. Today actually was pretty good, but i could feel crazy thoughts in my head. It wasn't even just my relationship today, which is occassional, but just me doubting everything i do and feeling guilty about everything. I guess it just comes down to anxiety over all of it!!!!!! But i thought about things rationally, and in the end it was a lot better of a night than before i started talking about all of this stuff (with you guys and him). SO thankfully i did not ruin a whole night and then feel bad about it in the morning (which has happened many times).
hey there thanks for the reply, and you're right, I think I give far too much power to these thoughts, last night I tried a different tactic, the nasty OCD voice in my head popped up with the usual 'yes you're happy now but what about in the future when you cheat on him' and i just thought 'yeah yeah yeah I know I might cheat blah blah blah change the record will you' and it actually worked lol
It might sound strange but I suppose we all have our ways of dealing with this awful illness dont we?
And I totally agree that when you start thinking about the fact that your man has a choice about being with you or not it makes you see things differently, I dont know how my fella has stayed with me through all my craziness and he still loves me just as much, I really am blessed to have him, I just dont remind myself enough of that lately!