I am a 20yr old male who in the last two months has had some intrusive thoughts about hurting the ones I love and myself. These thoughts started when I was washing dishes and grabbed a knife and looked at it and asked my self "what kind of damage could I do to with this knife and scenarios popped in my head of what would happen. But I did not go into too much detail and thought nothing of what I had just thought, until my 8yr old brother scared me will I still had the knife in hand and I turned around with the knife and came close to hurting my brother. And once that happened horrible thoughts came into my head bout hurting others and myself and they would not go away. These thoughts would make me so sick and nervous that I could not eat, sleep, or anything. Also my mother had just beaten her fight with cancer and went into remission and so I was already depressed because of that and so due to both factors I was put on 100mgs of an antidepressant.
However, I soon realized thanks to ESCOTK that the thoughts and feeling sick, and so on were due to the fact that I was depressed because of my mother and because I almost hurt my brother. He said that I was feeling an immense amount of guilt because when my mother had cancer I did not show to her how much I cared and when I almost hurt my brother it changed my self image. And as soon as I read what was said a light went off inside my head that I was feeling guilty. So he told me that to get rid of this guilt I had to forgive myself. Well I went a step farther and asked the forgiveness of my mother and brother and I instantly felt relieved and that was just yesterday.
What I want to ask after all this is that I am starting to forgive myself and have the forgiveness of others (which is great), but I am still having horrible thoughts, but when I have them I am no longer feeling as sick or guilty as much, but I still get a little nervous. Is this a good sign or not?
Hey man, I am also 20 years old and have intrusive thoughts. My intrusive thoughts started a year ago and I have been fighting them since. They have diminished a little bit but they still bother me. I think it all started with guilt which led me in to a depression, and then the intrusive thoughts started, and once they started I fell in to a deeper depression. I'm really curious if guilt starts the intrusive thoughts. I am curious, when you realized that you didn't properly show emotion for your mother did you just start worrying about how bad you were? What did you start thinking of when you were depressed? I think now that you don't feel sick when you have those thoughts is a huge improvement. It's good that you can forgive yourself or that you are starting to forgive yourself. I can forgive myself but for some reason I just keep thinking "it's not enough." Anyway let me know how you are doing.
ESCOTK is someone who has posted earlier on my story and helped me realize that I was more guilty. However, even though I am starting to forgive myself I still feel guilty when I am around my brother, but when he is not around I feel fine. No guilty feeling, sickness, nothing. And tomorrow I have to watch him myself for most of the day and I am a feeling nervous, anxious, guilty, and all the above and I keep having thoughts that I might do something and I know I won't but its just the fact that I have to watch him is bothering me because I don't know if I am ready.
Hey man sry it took a while to get back to ya. Yeah I seem to do the best when I am alone as well. I also notice though that sometimes when I am alone for awhile that I will think too hard and ruin my inner peace. You and I both need to realize the fact that we do feel sorry says enough about our mistakes. Although it is tough to understand the intrusive thoughts and what they mean. Next time you watch your brother try this technique if you want and see if it helps. If you get nervous and say to yourself, "gosh I really need to watch myself because last time I actually thought that I was goin to do something." or if you just have the normal nervous thoughts. You should let them come, invite them in and then let them pass. I believe that you have to will power to distinguish right from wrong. If you don't think that you do, then it is only because you don't believe in yourself. So if you think that you are up to the challenge then let your thoughts come in and answer them. I don't know if this helps or not, I am no psychologist, but when I was having these thoughts I was really nervous about them and the only way I knew how to cope with it was to let them in and deal with them one at a time. This doesn't make them go away completely but it should reduce them and it should make you feel better about yourself when you know that you are not the person that your intrusive thoughts make you out to be.