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Old 03-22-2010, 10:04 AM   #1
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TravisE HB User
Exclamation I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

So my name is Travis. Ive posted on here before about my intrusive thoughts. but i feel the need to again. i need to know if im going through OCD or something worse. =[ basically it started out by me having horrific thoughts of hurting others. Horrific thoughts of killing others. and those thoughts would terrorize my mind day in and day out. the thoughts are so unvoluntary. i would basically see these images of me doing these things to loved ones. mostly about my girlfriend. shes the closest person to me and i love her with all of my heart. ive went to therapy sessions and a psychatrist, and they both tell me it is OCD and they've seen this soo many times before. but for some reason i still convince myself that im unique and nobody is going through what im going through. Now my "OCD" has gotten to a point that i just dont understand what is going on with me. this is whats bothering me. please dont think im crazy. =[ so its like my mind says things on its own. i speak inside my head in the forst person. i say things like "i want my girlfriend dead" or "I want to kill her". and it keeps going through my head non stop. i have mental breakdowns and cry every day because i would never want these things ever, and im scaring myself that im saying these things in the first person inside my head. i start wondering if i am turning into an insane person who wants to hurt people. like, what scares me is...are these thoughts that im saying to myself a natural impulse or am i so fixated on this terrorizing way of thinking. like my mind automatically thinks of something negative and horrific to say but i know thats not waht i truely want at all. i know i must sound crazy but i dont know what to do. like if my girlfriend tells me she loves me, my mind automatically says like "oh shut up *****, im gonna kill you". and i dont know why it would do that. thats not the way i think normally. im soo loving and this isnt me. it scares me soo much. anything is turned into a negative thought pattern. i cant take this. it literally makes me want to kill myself, but i wouldnt do that. i just cant stand having such thoughts about the girl i love with all my heart. plese somebody reply. has anyone else gone through this same thing?? i need to know.

thanks-travis

 
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Old 03-22-2010, 04:35 PM   #2
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

i have the same thoughts they were mostly about my mom and animals and i love them more than anybody, sometimes it feels like your in a hole with this. I think no one has as bad as thoughts as me to so your not alone though. it makes me want to kill myself sometimes cause it sucks so bad. at one point i couldnt even watch sponge bob cause it makes me think of my mom and i couldnt even watch the 3 stooges cause they use hammers on there and stuff. are you on medicine?

 
Old 03-22-2010, 05:52 PM   #3
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Travis, you aren't alone. I've had the same thoughts about my cats, my husband and I love them more than anything - I would never do that. This isn't who you are, please remember that. I now have other horrific thoughts that I can't mention, but it's all the ocd. It's really horrible what it can do to your brain. Are you going to go to therapy?

 
Old 03-22-2010, 06:50 PM   #4
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Exclamation Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

well im on citalopram and it seems to help sometimes but somedays it comes back intensely and makes me feel like im back to square one again. I just upped my dosage from 10mg to 20mg so i'll see how that goes for me. and yes im going to therapy. And im going to a psychatrist once a month. but you two that just replied to my message, are you saying you say things to yourself too?? like do you speak horrible things in your head in the first person, but you know you really dont want that? like "i want to kill him/her." stuff like that? do you?

 
Old 03-22-2010, 08:18 PM   #5
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Quote:
Originally Posted by TravisE View Post
well im on citalopram and it seems to help sometimes but somedays it comes back intensely and makes me feel like im back to square one again. I just upped my dosage from 10mg to 20mg so i'll see how that goes for me. and yes im going to therapy. And im going to a psychatrist once a month. but you two that just replied to my message, are you saying you say things to yourself too?? like do you speak horrible things in your head in the first person, but you know you really dont want that? like "i want to kill him/her." stuff like that? do you?
Yes, I have that too sometimes.... It will just come on me. But the KEY is that you don't want to do that. That is where the ocd comes into place. It's like a horrible thing that makes you feel that way. If you can get the book "Imp of the Mind" it at least helps you to feel like you aren't going crazy. You aren't....it is all this stuff playing on your mind...thinking you are that kind of person when indeed you are not that at all.

 
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Old 03-22-2010, 08:31 PM   #6
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shedd45 HB User
Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Quote:
Originally Posted by TravisE View Post
well im on citalopram and it seems to help sometimes but somedays it comes back intensely and makes me feel like im back to square one again. I just upped my dosage from 10mg to 20mg so i'll see how that goes for me. and yes im going to therapy. And im going to a psychatrist once a month. but you two that just replied to my message, are you saying you say things to yourself too?? like do you speak horrible things in your head in the first person, but you know you really dont want that? like "i want to kill him/her." stuff like that? do you?
yes i kinda have the where i speak horriable thoughts in my head

Last edited by shedd45; 03-22-2010 at 08:33 PM.

 
Old 03-22-2010, 08:51 PM   #7
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Exclamation Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

yes i saw that somebody recomended that book and im gonna try to pick it up this week. thankyou but honestly guys, does this make me a horrible person. like i ask myself what if im turning into this horrible person or what if i actually want these things. cause why am i speaking horrible things in my mind like that???

 
Old 03-23-2010, 03:05 PM   #8
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ucs412 HB User
Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Quote:
Originally Posted by TravisE View Post
yes i saw that somebody recomended that book and im gonna try to pick it up this week. thankyou but honestly guys, does this make me a horrible person. like i ask myself what if im turning into this horrible person or what if i actually want these things. cause why am i speaking horrible things in my mind like that???
No...it doesn't mean you are a horrible person....remember that!! That is what ocd does to you - it makes you feel like you are just because you had that thought and then that is want starts freaking you out....and then it becomes this vicious cycle. Are you seeing a therapist or on any medications?

 
Old 03-23-2010, 03:31 PM   #9
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Thumbs up Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Hey Travis I completely understand what is going on with you. I have the same thoughts as you do. About hurting others especially the ones I love and it bothers me. I also have thoughts of hurting myself and I don't know why. I to have voice in my head that talks in the first person and says things like your does and it scare me. I know that I would never carry out any of these acts, but it is that fact that I am having these kinda thoughts that scares as I am sure it scare you. My doctors say that I don't have OCD I have severe depression which has many of the same symptoms as OCD. I have a question for you though. When you have these thoughts do you feel guilty, nervous, sick, can't eat and all that good stuff? Because that is what happens to me and I also want to know there are others that have these same symptoms. But whatever you do don't give up and just keep doing what you are doing.

 
Old 03-23-2010, 04:05 PM   #10
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Quote:
Originally Posted by bear6079 View Post
Hey Travis I completely understand what is going on with you. I have the same thoughts as you do. About hurting others especially the ones I love and it bothers me. I also have thoughts of hurting myself and I don't know why. I to have voice in my head that talks in the first person and says things like your does and it scare me. I know that I would never carry out any of these acts, but it is that fact that I am having these kinda thoughts that scares as I am sure it scare you. My doctors say that I don't have OCD I have severe depression which has many of the same symptoms as OCD. I have a question for you though. When you have these thoughts do you feel guilty, nervous, sick, can't eat and all that good stuff? Because that is what happens to me and I also want to know there are others that have these same symptoms. But whatever you do don't give up and just keep doing what you are doing.
Hi bear6079, I have horrible thoughts also. They scare me so much. I don't understand this whole thing. I don't want these thoughts, so why do they come in my head. I think that is part of the ocd, but you said you weren't diagnosed w/that? I feel extremely guilty, nervous and I was sick to my stomach a lot and had to force food down my throat b/c I couldn't eat. That has calmed down a bit, but I get constipated which I think is also my nerves. I'm still anxious and depressed tho.

 
Old 03-23-2010, 07:20 PM   #11
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Exclamation Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Yes yes i do feel completely guilty, sick to my stomach intensely. whenever i have the thoughts it makes me want to puke. i get soo anxious because i dont understand why i have such a horrible thought in my head. When i say it in the first person, it makes me feel so horrible. i question why i would be thinking in the first person like this. So your doctor diagnosed you with severe depression. i was too. but im not sure what came first for me. was i so depressed that it brought on severe ocd symptoms? or did my OCD cause my depression? its a difficult thing to go through. like i realize its my ocd talking and controlling my thoughts, but there goes my mind saying that its not. like my mind flips everything around and makes it negative. like if i think that things will be okay and that this will pass, my mind would quickly say NO your messed up. or like if i say i love you to my girlfriend, which i really do with all my heart, my mind quickly says no i dont, i hate her, i want her dead. and thats what tears me up. i dont mean what i say inside my head, and because its happenning inside my head i freak out because i start doubting my sanity and i start doubting what i really want. deep down i still know that it is ocd freaking me out horribly, but its still extremely hard to deal with. i just want to live free again and have a clear mind and not think awful things in my head. yanno? so you say awful things to yourself in the first person like that?

 
Old 03-23-2010, 09:36 PM   #12
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

Yes I do say things like this in my head and it bothers me and pisses me off cause before christmas this year I never had these thoughts. But I guess it is something that I have to deal with. for about 3 weeks now my visual aggressive thoughts have calmed down and so have my feelings of guilt and nerves. However, now I seem to have these thoughts where my mind is talking to me which I would rather have then the visual thoughts, but still they bother me. But the first person thoughts seem to come as passing thoughts kind of like when you forget something and then all of a sudden you remember it and that bothers me cause I will go hours without these thoughts and then all of a sudden BAMM! there they are and it bothers me. So I am taking meds and talking to a counselor. And I would suggest to you to takl to someone to wither it be a professional or someone you trust and that should help. I think you should also discuss this with your girlfriend and see what she says and if you both love each other as much as you say you do then she should be very understanding. I hoped this helps.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 01:00 AM   #13
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TravisE HB User
Exclamation Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

oh trust me, Ive done that from the very start. I told my girlfriend everything and exactly everything. shes soo understanding and so supportive. Shes walking me through this step by step helping me as much as she can. you have no idea how good she is to me. i feel like of i were with any other girl, they'd leave me or be afraid of me, but not my girlfriend. =')
And Ive been seeing a therapist just about every week. And im seeing a psychatrist about every month now. I am on medication. im on citalopram. which med do you take? but yeah. so I've really taken action on all of this, its just a matter of me eventually overcoming all of this and being free of mind again.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 09:25 AM   #14
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Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

I am taking budpurion xl

 
Old 03-24-2010, 11:05 AM   #15
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Exclamation Re: I feel like im alone with intrusive thought. reply if you feel like this please

ohh hows it working for you and whats the dosage?

 
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