Please bear with me, sorry there is so much to read but I have a lot to get off my chest.
Over the past year or so I have gone through quite a lot. I was really stupid from the age of 16/17 (I am nearly 19 now) in watching porn and engaging in cyber interactions via MSN. I am also gay and hid that for several years from parents and friends. I had a guilt episode for a few months last summer about these things (not about being gay but the other things) from May-August ish.
Then I moved to uni and I felt fine and managed to cope with it and lead a relatively normal life. Then one night I couldn't sleep and these thoughts came back and crashed on me like a ton of bricks and I didn't sleep all night and I was sweating and shaking and I thought about calling my parents even though it was 3am. However I managed to live through it for about 2 weeks and then I called home and confessed all of these things.
During my time of panic I thought my family would hate me and I would be disowned for being so disgusting but this never happened. They were so supportive and understanding and told me everyone makes mistakes and there are a lot of worse people out there than me.
After about one month I read online about the paedophile cases in Rome and suddenly had this awful thought: "I'm going to turn into one of them and do those terrible things" and so on. I've had a couple of thoughts like that before but I managed to dismiss them like normal people but now it's latched on for months (5 to be exact) and I've had other awful thoughts like hurting people I love e.g. my parents and grandparents, friends and pets. These have been so graphical in my head and I feel suicidal sometimes as a result. I have felt like this today and that's why I eventually put this on here.
I feel like I am definitely going to act on these things and that I must be evil and I hated myself for this and was scared and ashamed and guilty. I have now grown so accustomed to these horrid things that I no longer seem to feel these emotions and I feel numb instead. I am mentally exhausted and just want to be asleep all the time.
I went to the doctor after one month and I was prescribed 5mg Diazepam and 10mg Citalopram. I discontinued use thinking I could cope alone when I went back to uni but I couldn't. I am now back on 20mg Citalopram and have a box of 2mg Diazepam in case I need it.
I have always been scared of death and that I am going to die early etc and this has been since the age of 5 when I asked an adult what would happen if the world stopped turning and he responded: "we would all fall off and die." to which I went home crying.
Does this sound like Pure O OCD, I have been reading about it and the more I read the more likely it sounds. Also, does anyone else feel like this (especially feeling numb and non-effected by these emotions anymore)? I feel so empty and I used to be so animated and was of the opinion that suicide was a coward's way out.
Thanks for reading