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Old 06-27-2010, 04:59 PM   #1
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Lithiumism HB User
Unhappy Intrusive Thoughts are ruining my life. PLEASE HELP :(

Please bear with me, sorry there is so much to read but I have a lot to get off my chest.

Over the past year or so I have gone through quite a lot. I was really stupid from the age of 16/17 (I am nearly 19 now) in watching porn and engaging in cyber interactions via MSN. I am also gay and hid that for several years from parents and friends. I had a guilt episode for a few months last summer about these things (not about being gay but the other things) from May-August ish.

Then I moved to uni and I felt fine and managed to cope with it and lead a relatively normal life. Then one night I couldn't sleep and these thoughts came back and crashed on me like a ton of bricks and I didn't sleep all night and I was sweating and shaking and I thought about calling my parents even though it was 3am. However I managed to live through it for about 2 weeks and then I called home and confessed all of these things.

During my time of panic I thought my family would hate me and I would be disowned for being so disgusting but this never happened. They were so supportive and understanding and told me everyone makes mistakes and there are a lot of worse people out there than me.

After about one month I read online about the paedophile cases in Rome and suddenly had this awful thought: "I'm going to turn into one of them and do those terrible things" and so on. I've had a couple of thoughts like that before but I managed to dismiss them like normal people but now it's latched on for months (5 to be exact) and I've had other awful thoughts like hurting people I love e.g. my parents and grandparents, friends and pets. These have been so graphical in my head and I feel suicidal sometimes as a result. I have felt like this today and that's why I eventually put this on here.

I feel like I am definitely going to act on these things and that I must be evil and I hated myself for this and was scared and ashamed and guilty. I have now grown so accustomed to these horrid things that I no longer seem to feel these emotions and I feel numb instead. I am mentally exhausted and just want to be asleep all the time.

I went to the doctor after one month and I was prescribed 5mg Diazepam and 10mg Citalopram. I discontinued use thinking I could cope alone when I went back to uni but I couldn't. I am now back on 20mg Citalopram and have a box of 2mg Diazepam in case I need it.

I have always been scared of death and that I am going to die early etc and this has been since the age of 5 when I asked an adult what would happen if the world stopped turning and he responded: "we would all fall off and die." to which I went home crying.

Does this sound like Pure O OCD, I have been reading about it and the more I read the more likely it sounds. Also, does anyone else feel like this (especially feeling numb and non-effected by these emotions anymore)? I feel so empty and I used to be so animated and was of the opinion that suicide was a coward's way out.

Thanks for reading

Last edited by Lithiumism; 06-28-2010 at 02:46 AM.

 
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Old 06-28-2010, 04:42 PM   #2
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ucs412 HB User
Re: Intrusive Thoughts are ruining my life. PLEASE HELP :(

Hello, Yes, I've felt all of it. Afraid to die, wodering what is going to happen. The whole works. I have also had terrible thoughts about people I love. I can totally relate. This is all the ocd doing this to you. It's just horrible!! Just remember that...it's the ocd, not you. I know it's so scary and makes you feel so anxious. I went thru it for months and was hospitalized b/c I was suicidal all because of it. I now feel like I can deal w/things a lot better. I'm on medication and was seeing someone for a few months. She was really supportive and helped me along w/the medication. I'm not seeing her now, but told her if I need to can and I call her and set up an appt. and she said whenever I need to she would be there. Are you seeing anyone right now? I know the pain you are going thru. I'm here for you, so let me know what is going on.

 
Old 07-04-2010, 09:31 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Lithiumism HB User
Re: Intrusive Thoughts are ruining my life. PLEASE HELP :(

I'm glad that someone else has gone through this, it doesn't make me lose any of the symptoms unfortunately but it helps I can't think straight about it at all and that makes it worse because then it makes me think it's me all the more

I am seeing someone for CBT and I have two sessions out of three left to go to. I am still taking 20mg Citalopram but I have not yet mentioned to my doctor that I think it might be OCD.

I have to meet with her in about two weeks and I live kinda far away so I think i'll wait until then. Which medication are you taking? I still feel mentally exhausted and numb, did you have this?

 
Old 07-04-2010, 09:33 AM   #4
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts are ruining my life. PLEASE HELP :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by ucs412 View Post
Hello, Yes, I've felt all of it. Afraid to die, wodering what is going to happen. The whole works. I have also had terrible thoughts about people I love. I can totally relate. This is all the ocd doing this to you. It's just horrible!! Just remember that...it's the ocd, not you. I know it's so scary and makes you feel so anxious. I went thru it for months and was hospitalized b/c I was suicidal all because of it. I now feel like I can deal w/things a lot better. I'm on medication and was seeing someone for a few months. She was really supportive and helped me along w/the medication. I'm not seeing her now, but told her if I need to can and I call her and set up an appt. and she said whenever I need to she would be there. Are you seeing anyone right now? I know the pain you are going thru. I'm here for you, so let me know what is going on.

I'm glad that someone else has gone through this, it doesn't make me lose any of the symptoms unfortunately but it helps I can't think straight about it at all and that makes it worse because then it makes me think it's me all the more

I am seeing someone for CBT and I have two sessions out of three left to go to. I am still taking 20mg Citalopram but I have not yet mentioned to my doctor that I think it might be OCD.

I have to meet with her in about two weeks and I live kinda far away so I think i'll wait until then. Which medication are you taking? I still feel mentally exhausted and numb, did you have this?

 
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