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Old 07-19-2010, 01:13 AM   #1
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JMusician26 HB User
Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

So glad I discovered this board because I see that so many of you are going through similar things - good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry everyone else has to go through it too! Just wanted to introduce myself and share my story, vent, and maybe someone can relate. I find the more I talk about it and get it out in the open, the less it all affects me.

I've been free of intrusive thoughts for months ever since starting on Lexapro, but suddenly out of the blue a few days ago I had a *huge* spike of OCD and intrusive thoughts, worse than it's ever been (no idea why - I have a feeling it's due to my poor nutrition and lack of exercise lately, but that's another story). I've always had songs running through my head on a constant loop, or some kind of strange repeating morbid thought in my head, but the last few days it's been *all day long* and just exhausting.

The target of my intrusive thoughts lately has been my two cats. They're my babies, I would never, ever, ever hurt them, they're two of the most important things in my life...but my thoughts try to convince me otherwise. :-\ I can barely bear to write these things out...but as an example, I'll be feeding them in the morning and the thought will run through my head about letting them starve, or I'll imagine what it would be like to physically hurt them. I will actually get a tingling in my arms or hands like it's something I want to do, just to see how I would feel. Is that not the most messed up thing you've ever heard?! Then I am completely eaten up by the guilt I feel over thinking I would ever want to hurt my sweet animals.

I've also been getting something new, which I've never dealt with before. It's sort of an inner dialogue. Instead of just imagining horrible, violent images, my mind will actually come up with words and phrases. For example, if my boyfriend and I are cooking he'll say "Can you please hand me the knife?" and inside my head I hear "Yeah, so I can stab you with it." Ugh. It feels totally uncontrollable, and of course the more I try to control it, the worse it gets. It got so bad yesterday from feeling such horrible guilt over what I was thinking toward my cats, that I had a bad case of derealization/depersonalization (I've only had that a couple times in my life.) Because the images and thoughts and words are so violent and morbid, I do wonder if I'm a monster, or if I'm going crazy, or if someday I'll actually snap and lose my temper and do some horrible thing.

I also have so much guilt over things I did when I was a kid that I know were OCD related. I remember saying horribly mean things to another child, multiple times, because those thoughts were running through my head. There was also an incident where I kept thinking about poking a hole in my bicycle tire, so I just eventually did it, almost to see how I would feel afterwards. Then I felt so guilty because I lied to my mom about how the tire got a hole, and she didn't have much money to replace it at the time, but she did. Just little things like that, I look back on and go "Oh, that must've been the OCD." I know I was just a kid so I probably had low impulse control, but still feel guilty. I think guilt is a recurring theme in my life, and I have to learn to forgive myself and realize these thoughts are not who I am in order to let that go - the guilt definitely carries a lot of anxiety.

If you've made it through all that, congratulations. haha. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone can relate! It seems to be even more frustrating to me because I've been doing SO well on the Lexapro and my OCD really hasn't manifested itself in much of anything until very recently. Hoping I can get a handle on it soon, because I don't want to keep knocking myself out with Xanax or something when it gets really bad.

 
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Old 07-19-2010, 07:44 AM   #2
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ucs412 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Hi musician,
Yes, I can relate. I had the same thing w/my cats and I love them more than anything. I've been better now with Lexapro/Wellbutrin, but it was complete hell before. I would have thoughts when I would let the one cat out that I could actually shut the door on him and hurt him if I wanted to. Then I had a problem w/knives when I was cutting things. I had to put them right away when I was done, so I wouldn't see them anymore....same thing w/scissors. I thought I was going nuts!! Morbid, bizarre thoughts would come across my head. I would see my husband than I would have this awful image of a knife in his back. I would see in my head my cat w/his eye out etc.... It was a living nightmare! Actually, the thing that helped me the most is the medicine and finding out that I had ocd and researching it, plus this board. Occassionally a thought will cross my mind for a split second, but I can just blow it off right now. I would still like to be completely free of the whole thing. This whole disease has to do w/fear and anxiety and fear of the unknown. It's called the doubting disease. Just remember that it's all your ocd spiking. Keep telling yourself that, so it doesn't get the best of you. It's just a big bully, keep saying that to yourself. It's not you...it's just stupid thoughts. Maybe you could call your doctor and see if they can up your Lexapro? What dosage are you on? Well, you aren't alone in this battle. Reach out to people on here. I'm here for you - let me know how you are doing.

 
Old 07-19-2010, 01:34 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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JMusician26 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Sorry you've gone through the same thing, ucs! It's such a horrible feeling when the target of the intrusive thoughts is someone/thing so vulnerable and that you love dearly (which it usually is, right? )

I had a lot of harm thoughts last night and spent all day today thinking, "I'm a horrible person." It also feels like I've been thrown a complete loop because I've been doing so well for the past year since I started the Lexapro! I'm on 10 mg/day, but I think I probably need to increase to 20. I was hoping I could stay at 10, simply because of the cost, but I'd pay anything to feel better so I'm not that worried about it.

Anyway, thanks for the reply and for the kind words. Hope everyone is doing ok!

 
Old 07-20-2010, 03:48 AM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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ucs412 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMusician26 View Post
Sorry you've gone through the same thing, ucs! It's such a horrible feeling when the target of the intrusive thoughts is someone/thing so vulnerable and that you love dearly (which it usually is, right? )

I had a lot of harm thoughts last night and spent all day today thinking, "I'm a horrible person." It also feels like I've been thrown a complete loop because I've been doing so well for the past year since I started the Lexapro! I'm on 10 mg/day, but I think I probably need to increase to 20. I was hoping I could stay at 10, simply because of the cost, but I'd pay anything to feel better so I'm not that worried about it.

Anyway, thanks for the reply and for the kind words. Hope everyone is doing ok!
Hi musician, yes...the ocd tends to attack the things/people that are most vulnerable to us. You aren't a horrible person....remember that. The thoughts don't make you who you are. Keep telling yourself that. A good book to read is "Imp of the Mind". I highly suggest it. It does help. I'm on 30 mg. of lexapro now and had to increase mine. I use to be on 10. Whatever you can do to help yourself feel better. It does get expensive tho. My insurance doesn't cover it, so I know it can be costly. Well, I would definitely think about increasing it. I hope you are feeling better soon. Keep in touch! This board really does help!

 
Old 07-20-2010, 04:12 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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JMusician26 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ucs412 View Post
It does get expensive tho. My insurance doesn't cover it, so I know it can be costly.
Mine doesn't either - it's about $98 a month. :-\ I've been getting the 20 mg and cutting them in half for my 10 mg dose, so it's saved me a lot of money, but I'd rather eat the cost and gain a bit of my sanity back!

Thanks for the book recommendation - I've heard so many different recommendations for books, and not sure what to start with, but I'll definitely check that out!!

 
Old 02-25-2011, 10:52 AM   #6
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Inter2002 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

I hope that you have found relief from those thoughts as of now.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 08:47 AM   #7
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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ucs412 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Hi, I hope you are feeling better now. Let me know how you've been. I also wanted to mention to you that you can get your Lexapro for a low cost or even free thru the manufacturer....forest pharm. (google it)

 
Old 02-27-2011, 09:29 AM   #8
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Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMusician26 View Post
So glad I discovered this board because I see that so many of you are going through similar things - good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry everyone else has to go through it too! Just wanted to introduce myself and share my story, vent, and maybe someone can relate. I find the more I talk about it and get it out in the open, the less it all affects me.

I've been free of intrusive thoughts for months ever since starting on Lexapro, but suddenly out of the blue a few days ago I had a *huge* spike of OCD and intrusive thoughts, worse than it's ever been (no idea why - I have a feeling it's due to my poor nutrition and lack of exercise lately, but that's another story). I've always had songs running through my head on a constant loop, or some kind of strange repeating morbid thought in my head, but the last few days it's been *all day long* and just exhausting.

The target of my intrusive thoughts lately has been my two cats. They're my babies, I would never, ever, ever hurt them, they're two of the most important things in my life...but my thoughts try to convince me otherwise. :-\ I can barely bear to write these things out...but as an example, I'll be feeding them in the morning and the thought will run through my head about letting them starve, or I'll imagine what it would be like to physically hurt them. I will actually get a tingling in my arms or hands like it's something I want to do, just to see how I would feel. Is that not the most messed up thing you've ever heard?! Then I am completely eaten up by the guilt I feel over thinking I would ever want to hurt my sweet animals.

I've also been getting something new, which I've never dealt with before. It's sort of an inner dialogue. Instead of just imagining horrible, violent images, my mind will actually come up with words and phrases. For example, if my boyfriend and I are cooking he'll say "Can you please hand me the knife?" and inside my head I hear "Yeah, so I can stab you with it." Ugh. It feels totally uncontrollable, and of course the more I try to control it, the worse it gets. It got so bad yesterday from feeling such horrible guilt over what I was thinking toward my cats, that I had a bad case of derealization/depersonalization (I've only had that a couple times in my life.) Because the images and thoughts and words are so violent and morbid, I do wonder if I'm a monster, or if I'm going crazy, or if someday I'll actually snap and lose my temper and do some horrible thing.

I also have so much guilt over things I did when I was a kid that I know were OCD related. I remember saying horribly mean things to another child, multiple times, because those thoughts were running through my head. There was also an incident where I kept thinking about poking a hole in my bicycle tire, so I just eventually did it, almost to see how I would feel afterwards. Then I felt so guilty because I lied to my mom about how the tire got a hole, and she didn't have much money to replace it at the time, but she did. Just little things like that, I look back on and go "Oh, that must've been the OCD." I know I was just a kid so I probably had low impulse control, but still feel guilty. I think guilt is a recurring theme in my life, and I have to learn to forgive myself and realize these thoughts are not who I am in order to let that go - the guilt definitely carries a lot of anxiety.

If you've made it through all that, congratulations. haha. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone can relate! It seems to be even more frustrating to me because I've been doing SO well on the Lexapro and my OCD really hasn't manifested itself in much of anything until very recently. Hoping I can get a handle on it soon, because I don't want to keep knocking myself out with Xanax or something when it gets really bad.
I 2 expeience same. My brain seems 2 hve conversaions good an bad bad bein my foughTs ! Glad. 2 hear sum one is experiencing same ! I wish u we'll xxxx

 
Old 03-28-2011, 01:09 PM   #9
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rocky111 HB User
Re: Intrusive thoughts - I feel like a monster!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMusician26 View Post
So glad I discovered this board because I see that so many of you are going through similar things - good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry everyone else has to go through it too! Just wanted to introduce myself and share my story, vent, and maybe someone can relate. I find the more I talk about it and get it out in the open, the less it all affects me.

I've been free of intrusive thoughts for months ever since starting on Lexapro, but suddenly out of the blue a few days ago I had a *huge* spike of OCD and intrusive thoughts, worse than it's ever been (no idea why - I have a feeling it's due to my poor nutrition and lack of exercise lately, but that's another story). I've always had songs running through my head on a constant loop, or some kind of strange repeating morbid thought in my head, but the last few days it's been *all day long* and just exhausting.

The target of my intrusive thoughts lately has been my two cats. They're my babies, I would never, ever, ever hurt them, they're two of the most important things in my life...but my thoughts try to convince me otherwise. :-\ I can barely bear to write these things out...but as an example, I'll be feeding them in the morning and the thought will run through my head about letting them starve, or I'll imagine what it would be like to physically hurt them. I will actually get a tingling in my arms or hands like it's something I want to do, just to see how I would feel. Is that not the most messed up thing you've ever heard?! Then I am completely eaten up by the guilt I feel over thinking I would ever want to hurt my sweet animals.

I've also been getting something new, which I've never dealt with before. It's sort of an inner dialogue. Instead of just imagining horrible, violent images, my mind will actually come up with words and phrases. For example, if my boyfriend and I are cooking he'll say "Can you please hand me the knife?" and inside my head I hear "Yeah, so I can stab you with it." Ugh. It feels totally uncontrollable, and of course the more I try to control it, the worse it gets. It got so bad yesterday from feeling such horrible guilt over what I was thinking toward my cats, that I had a bad case of derealization/depersonalization (I've only had that a couple times in my life.) Because the images and thoughts and words are so violent and morbid, I do wonder if I'm a monster, or if I'm going crazy, or if someday I'll actually snap and lose my temper and do some horrible thing.

I also have so much guilt over things I did when I was a kid that I know were OCD related. I remember saying horribly mean things to another child, multiple times, because those thoughts were running through my head. There was also an incident where I kept thinking about poking a hole in my bicycle tire, so I just eventually did it, almost to see how I would feel afterwards. Then I felt so guilty because I lied to my mom about how the tire got a hole, and she didn't have much money to replace it at the time, but she did. Just little things like that, I look back on and go "Oh, that must've been the OCD." I know I was just a kid so I probably had low impulse control, but still feel guilty. I think guilt is a recurring theme in my life, and I have to learn to forgive myself and realize these thoughts are not who I am in order to let that go - the guilt definitely carries a lot of anxiety.

If you've made it through all that, congratulations. haha. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone can relate! It seems to be even more frustrating to me because I've been doing SO well on the Lexapro and my OCD really hasn't manifested itself in much of anything until very recently. Hoping I can get a handle on it soon, because I don't want to keep knocking myself out with Xanax or something when it gets really bad.
its so nice to find this forum and to see that i am not the only one going through what can be described as a living hell.you are not mad its the ocd i have had for over 20 years .i was only last year i discovered it was ocd after a bad episode .its like a relentless bully knawing away at you some days good some a lot worse and the shame and guilt is horrible.i wish that it was more common knowledge that ocd isnt just about actions and thoughts as i would have not had so many years blighted by this.hopefully we will all find the inner peace i think we deserve it

 
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