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Old 07-28-2010, 08:15 PM   #1
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lozzy85 HB User
Exclamation suffering ROCD

Hi everyone,

I would like to tell my story. I only found out I might (am) suffering ROCD yesterday, when I typed 'relationship doubts' into Google. Let me just say just knowing that there are other like me out there, and there is a name for this condition has already relieved some of the anxiety I feel every day. It's not just me, and I'm not crazy and I'm not a bad girlfriend.

I have been living with these feelings for 10 years now, through two relationships and a lot of pain and heartache. My last partner and I broke up mutually and even though my ROCD played a part I really don't think we were right for each other. I have been with my current partner for 4 years and he is wonderful, supportive, funny, smart, handsome and everything you could want in a significant other. We are great friends and get along so well and are equally attracted to each other. In theory everything is great. Of course we have our disagreements as any normal couple but for the most part we work extremely well.

But my ROCD is crippling. It comes in spikes too; one day I could be flying high and so in love and the next day I am plagued by doubt, insecurity and hopelessness. I feel so bad because I know I love my boyfriend but something, something is telling me to leave and that he is not the right one for me. I fight with myself because I think 'well then, who is better for you?' and I can't answer that question. I have this urge to run away but I don't know where I am running too, or from what really.

I have certain triggers too. The words 'doubt' 'intuition' 'gut feeling' are the worst ones. The phrases 'when its right you just know' and 'follow your instinct' kill me. I hate those words and phrases and when I see them in books, TV, movies or in conversation my stomach drops to the floor and I get a lump in my throat.

I have considered leaving a few times, but I cant bring myself to do so. I am a logical person by nature and I just don't have a logical reason for leaving. Don't get me wrong, if he cheated on me or started abusing me then I would definitely have the sense to leave but at the moment everything is rosy. I have seen a bad relationship in my parents so I know when something is good or not.

When the spike is bad and the ROCD hits, it's really bad. At these time I have fantasies that my boyfriend will leave me or cheat on me so it can make it easier for us to part. In these fantasies its funny how I am never the one to cheat or leave... its like I don't want the responsibility. I have never told anyone about this but the worst fantasies I have had involve him dying (via accident) so that I can then start to live my life alone. Its horrible, and when I snap out of these fantasies I feel such an overwhelming guilt its unbelievable, and I often cry. Has anyone thought like this before?

I am glad there is something called ROCD but the ROCD in me makes me doubt even this condition and says that maybe im just looking for an excuse. I hate this feeling! I don't know where it comes from and I don't seem to suffer any other part of OCD. I have spoken to my partner about this and he has been incredibly supportive and just loves me with this unconditional puppy dog eyed love that I wished I possessed. I'm sure it's there in me but my ROCD is inhibiting it.

All I want is to live a happy, normal loving life with my great guy. I must admit I am getting better as time passes. The spikes are less often and sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about marriage with him and that's nice. But when those thoughts come back they are paralysing and I am trying to get rid of them slowly. I start therapy soon so I hope that helps. Sorry for the long rant!

 
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Old 07-29-2010, 04:16 AM   #2
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Re: suffering ROCD

Bump! Anyone there to share?

 
Old 07-29-2010, 04:41 AM   #3
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justathought10 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Hi Lozzy85,

I have something very similar and it is horrible. I met my current boyfirend in November last year and was completely swept off my feet. I have never been more attracted to a man and our relationship is great in everyway. However, my Mum made a comment about his age and how it was obvious that he was older than me (he is 41 and I am 30) by his hair and skin. This started making me obsessed with his age when before it didn't matter at all.

I started looking at him critically while he sleeps and suggesting things like wrinkle cream and hair tonic for where he is thinning. I am obsessed with the fact he might die before me or that he will become terminally ill.

It has got to the point where I am constantly checking if I am attracted to him. Sometimes while we are together I will suddenly see him as an old man (even though he looks really young for his age and when I first met him I didn't notice any of these things!). He is COMPLETELY perfect in all other ways and I think this is something that OCD and ROCD does to you - when you are happy it finds a way to destroy your reality.

My other obsesions (I am diasnosed with Pure-O type OCD) include life and death, the universe, meaning of everything and the end of the world. The thing that made me realise that these other things weren't real (after many years) is that they are mutually exclusive. I am only obsessing about one thing at a time which takes weight away from the other (if you know what I mean...). The ROCD one though is new.. My last boyfriend (who I was with on and off for 7 years) was a very tricky customer and living with him was full of anxiety which warded off any ROCD as my mind was kept busy with real life tensions. It is almost like this new relationship is too easy for me and my brain is looking to tear it apart and ruin it for me.

I have spoken at length with my boyfriend and he has been incredible supportive and understanding but this makes it worse in some ways as I feel so guilty (another OCD tendency I have found out!). I too have thought about leaving him and I think after the last breakup I had I could 'survive' but it would be a terrible loss as I love him and he everything I have ever wanted in every other way. I too have thought about him dying so I could move on guilt free and wishing that he would cheat etc. to give me an excuse.

I take Prozac for my OCD but am pretty undisciplined at taking it every day. I am also going to attend a self help group next week but the worse thing is about all this is that these are 'real life' problems which make them hard to say for sure that they aren't real. However, it is our reaction to them which is inappropriate and a symptom of the disorder.

It is so hard for me right now. I share an office with my boyfriend and pretty much live with him too. We spend all our time together but this doesn't give me any time off from studying him and finding every flaw regarding his age.

I hope things calm down for you and I let you know how I get on

Last edited by justathought10; 07-29-2010 at 07:26 AM. Reason: Infraction

 
Old 07-30-2010, 03:09 AM   #4
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Re: suffering ROCD

Hi justathought. Thank you for sharing.

I don't have a problem with how my boyfriend looks, and he is only 2 years older than me but I can see many similarities between our stories. I read something somewhere that the OCD attacks the very thing that you love the most, the very thing that is most precious. It's so true. My relationship with my man has always been the most sacred and precious thing in my life and that's why it hurts so much.

I'm sad to say I'm relieved you have thought about your partner dying too, only because that means I'm not alone. It's horrible. Luckily these thoughts are very infrequent. But I too live with my boyfriend so there is rarely a break from the thoughts. I start therapy soon so I hope that helps! Please keep me updated on how you get on. We can get through this.

OOLadyOO, I am fairly new to the term ROCD even though I have been a sufferer for many years. What I understand it's when you question your relationship with your partner without any logical ground. It's when you can't stop the negative thoughts associated with your partner and you have a lot of doubts about your relationship. Does this sound like you?

Hope this helps. Keep in touch,

Lozzy

Last edited by lozzy85; 07-30-2010 at 03:31 AM.

 
Old 07-30-2010, 02:25 PM   #5
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Re: suffering ROCD

Quote:
Originally Posted by lozzy85 View Post
OOLadyOO, I am fairly new to the term ROCD even though I have been a sufferer for many years. What I understand it's when you question your relationship with your partner without any logical ground. It's when you can't stop the negative thoughts associated with your partner and you have a lot of doubts about your relationship. Does this sound like you?
Lozzy - this is exactly what's going on with me, I'm driving myself and my partner crazy, I dont know what to do anymore, I'm in therapy but I'm still driving myself absolutely up the wall, I just started on Zoloft, I'm hoping it takes the edge off. I knew I was OCD, but I never knew people actually had a term called ROCD, which is exactly what's wrong with me, my partner says that i'm emotionally draining, I feel as helpless as everyone else that's talking about this, what do you guys do? what can be done? this is a new discovery.

I dont have any problems with the way my partner looks, but I do question everything, tone of voice, movement, etc, absolutely everything, it makes me seem bipolar and paranoid and I get a lot of panic. I'm so happy that i'm not alone in this.

Last edited by 00lady00; 07-30-2010 at 02:33 PM.

 
Old 08-08-2010, 02:33 PM   #6
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cherry85 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

so happy I'm not alone!

I've been with my guy for more than a year and he's everything that I've asked for from a guy and we've been having the best time together and two months ago this stupid thing started... at the beginning it was just a small thought, like a doubt, and it grew bigger and stronger with the time. It's like having a bad thought, obsessing for days about it then finding a way out and just when you think you're ok another one is coming.. I've talked with my boyfriend about it, I didn't know it had a name, and I'm trying to get over it... I feel it is so unfair, because it's the best relationship I've ever had instead of enjoying it I'm really suffering..

 
Old 08-12-2010, 12:25 AM   #7
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lozzy85 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Hi Cherry!

You are definitely not alone, which is a good thing! I thought I was the only one dealing with this horrible life and its been comforting to know that I'm not. I already feel a lot better since discovering ROCD. How are you doing today?

Lozzy

 
Old 08-12-2010, 03:57 AM   #8
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kmillers HB User
Smile Re: suffering ROCD

00Layd00, thank you for posting your story, and to the lovely lady you were writing to as well. You guys are so amazing and strong to vocalize these things and put them out there for people to find. I feel a lot of the same things you guys do, such as imagining him leaving/dying to end all of the anxieties and doubts, reading way too much into tone of voice or the way he is sitting... hearing something on t.v. or radio that just makes me feel terrible that my relationship isn't so "live for you/ die for you" perfect as it is in t.v. or songs. These feelings are insane, and i was literally going crazy trying to figure out how i can think these things and still at the end of the day know that i love him and want to be with him! SO i finally found this website and am so thankful to you guys for sharing your experiences. You are amazing ladies, and it sounds like you have been blessed with amazing men that have empathy for what you are going through ( i finally broke down and told my bf about the feelings, and he said that makes him sad, but he just wants me to be happy). Anyway, just wanted to thank you guys, and hope you feel like writing back

 
Old 08-12-2010, 06:39 PM   #9
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lozzy85 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Hi Kmillers,

Thank you for your lovely words. I too struggle with the notion of a 'perfect relationship' and why doesn't mine look like that? I have learnt to realise that even if we did leave our partners, the feelings would just be the same with the next guy because the ROCD stays with YOU and doesn't leave with your partner. It's something we have to work through unfortunately. But just knowing you are not alone is such a great relief - you can always come on here to vent or chat. It's good that you told your boyfriend - sometimes I think it's worse for them because they don't understand and live in constant fear that we will leave. My man has been great since I told him, he even makes jokes about it which puts me at ease. How is your boyfriend coping? How are you?

Take care, Lozzy

 
Old 08-13-2010, 02:13 PM   #10
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Re: suffering ROCD

I just wanted to let you guys know that I've decided to end the relationship due to the fact that although I do suffer from OCD, I really need to get better before I decide to try and have a relationship. Personally, I'm not only OCD but codependent and it was really eating me up inside, I am now in a support group with ladies who will help me learn to take better care of myself and will help me have healthier relationships with this person or with someone else in the future.

 
Old 08-15-2010, 07:22 AM   #11
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cherry85 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Quote:
Originally Posted by lozzy85 View Post
Hi Cherry!

You are definitely not alone, which is a good thing! I thought I was the only one dealing with this horrible life and its been comforting to know that I'm not. I already feel a lot better since discovering ROCD. How are you doing today?

Lozzy
Hi Lozzy!!

thanks for the reply! the last week has been very strange..I've been trying to make myself feel better and even though IK found out it's ROCD, sometimes it's not enough. it's actually very annoying because for example now I'm feeling ok and I'm sure that I'll get through it but I know that in one hour from now I might be all stressed out and crying. I'm also seeing a therapist and she assured me that this is just my mind obsessing.She also mentioned that if it doesn't stop I might have to take medication. For the last couple of months all I do is doubting my feelings, I don't feel like doing work for the university, or going out with friends or watching a movie. It sucks..
I'm meeting my boyfriend tomorrow and we're leaving for holidays.. I'm happy and stressed at the same time.. we'll see how it goes.
I'm telling you if I ever get over this I'll start a huge campaing against it

I hope you're feeling better than that!

 
Old 08-17-2010, 12:23 AM   #12
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Re: suffering ROCD

I hope you have a great time on vacation. That is awesome that you are seeing someone that is helping you. I think it's important to not down-play the times that we are feeling good, and instead build that up in your brain as ammunition against the times that you feel bad. You know, like instead of saying "i'm just going to feel bad again," we can say to oursevles... "yes! this is why i am battling to stay with this person!" and try to remember that next time. I really hope your break goes good, let me know how it goes

 
Old 08-17-2010, 06:31 AM   #13
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pam29 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Hi Ladies,

I'm not that new to this site but I just came across your posts now. I've never been diagnosed with OCD or ROCD but I do suffer from anxiety. After reading your posts, I wonder, do I suffer from ROCD??? I have been with my fiance for over 5 years ( have been engaged since Dec. 09') and I love him so much yet as soon as I find the love I have for him, within seconds it can be gone and I'm thinking " am I really in love with him", "am I really attracted to him" " do I really want to be with him forever". I hate it because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has never once done anything to cause me to question. Back in October I did ask him for a break because I had no idea why I was feeling this way. I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with anxiety ( more specifically separation anxiety) and found out I've actually been dealing with it since I was 12 ( I am 28 now) and that this is what anxiety can do to you ( cause you to question everything). Once he knew that I was suffering from anxiety, all he wanted to do was help me. He is so understanding and does not want to let me go ( as I don't want him to). He will even sometimes make fun of me ( in a good humor way) which makes me laugh. He does his best to help me stay calm and if I need to cry, he will just hold me and let me cry. He is so strong and caring.

I have become so obsessed with anxiety and what it can do that I can't stop looking for new sites on the net to try and reassure me this is what it does. It will pick at me to no end. It has even interfered with my work as instead of working, I'm searching.

We have recently just bought a house and will be moving in soon which also scares me to death. I hate change and have never dealt well with it. Again, I get excited about the thought of living with him, getting married and then a moment later, I'm freaking out again with all the usual thoughts.

I too also have the thoughts of, "am I just making an excuse for my feelings" even though I've been told it's just the anxiety. I've never consciously had thoughts of him cheating on me but I know I've had dreams about it. I do have thoughts of "what would happen if I got into an accident or vice versa". I even also get nervous or scared to write on these sites because I'm afraid of the answer. I don't want to hear the words" well maybe you don't want to be with him". I too hate the words, "follow your instinct or gut feelings". Those words cause extreme anxiety to the point of chest pain. Sometimes I can't stand watching girly, lovey dovey movies because I don't feel the same way but I can't help compare myself even though rationally I know it's just a movie. I know I've also had thoughts of just being alone because he deserves the world and I feel like I'm going crazy ( as I write this I'm crying because I'm so afraid of losing him even though I have all these uncertain feelings) however I know if I wasn't with him, I would be with no one. Again, like I said, one minute I know I don't want to ever be without him and then those thoughts change : (

Any ways, before this gets to long, I just wanted to share a bit of my story ( hope no one minds). Like I said, I have no idea if I suffer from ROCD but I feel as though I have all the same thoughts as someone who does.

Last edited by pam29; 08-17-2010 at 08:06 AM.

 
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Old 08-17-2010, 09:43 AM   #14
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Re: suffering ROCD

It definitely sounds like anxiety to me, although i am no expert. All i know is that when i finally broke down and told my boyfriend about the crazy feelings, it felt so good to get out all of the confusion that had been in my head. Just saying out loud, "I doubt whether I want to be with you, and yet I know for aa fact i don't want to see you walk out that door for the last time" made me realize just how off-kilter these thoughts really are. I read in someone else's post that what she does is say to herself, "these thoughts and anxieties have no meaning." and says that helps a lot. Just today i caught my boyfriend taking off his shirt and thought, "if he is wearing an undershirt, everything will be okay" and realized just how crazy that sounds!!! I find myself doing that stuff all the time! I realized because of something my boyfriend said to me, when i question whether he is still in love with me after not seeing me for a couple of days: he said that our love is strong, and that not seeing me does not change his mind about me one bit. Here i am thinking he's going to fall out of love with me, but that's just those thoughts again.

I hope that you can taper down on the searching all of this stuff out on the internet, because i think it just feeds the anxiety. Like that other girl said, when you fear the thoughts and try to prove to yourself their not true, they gain power and are winning. But if instead you say to yourself, "these thoughts are ludicrous. I am going to think about something else" then they begin to lose their power.

I hope this sounds like it's coming from a good place. I feel like it might sound like i think i have all of the answers- believe me, i don't. All of these things i am suggesting i am working to do as well, i have not mastered them!!!! I am with you sister and i feel you !



I hope you write back and we can talk again, good luck with everything, let's both try to enjoy the moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, K

 
Old 08-17-2010, 10:09 AM   #15
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pam29 HB User
Re: suffering ROCD

Thank you so much for posting back. I always worry after I hit that send button. I question, " am I going to hear back from someone" or " maybe I really don't have a problem and someone will just confirm that". You may not be an expert about anxiety but you at least know where I'm coming from and what thoughts run through your head.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling so much better about telling your boyfriend. I still tell my fiance "I'm getting anxious" or "I'm freaking out again" and he just rubs my back and says "it's ok". I try all the time to tell myself it's just anxiety but it's like your mind doesn't allow that to click. My sister tells me all the time what it is as well and I need to try and not think about it. Easier said then done for sure. That makes so much sense that searching is feeding the anxiety. I wish I didn't sit in front of a computer all day at work cause then maybe I'd be better.

Everything you said for sure sounds like it's coming from a good place, you understand my thoughts and didn't go against them. I too try to give advice to help others even though I am working on it myself. Just talking with people who suffer from a similar thing is reassuring to know that I'm not alone and that these thoughts are not true.

Any ways, hope to keep hearing from you as I really appreciate it.

 
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