It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-01-2010, 06:07 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
pcrybaby HB User
HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

Hello everyone,

I have been reading about ROCD for the past few months, finally I got the courage to post a question hoping to hear opinion from poeple with ROCD.

I have been dating my BF for 5Month. When I just met him, his cousin told me my bf has OCD but I didn't think it's a big deal so I just ignored it. Becasue I never knew there is such thing as ROCD. After 3 months of arguing about the past relationship. I started researching about OCD and found out about ROCD. I feel comfort from reading poeple forums and post.

I'm a very outgoing, friendly, social and straight forward person. In the beginning of our relationship, I was totally honest with him about my past relationship. Then I noticed he would argue with me about my past and ask for break ups. I was so frustrated bec I can't understand why my BF can't just let go of the past. He would even try to analyze my past relatiionship and tell me it was my fault why my XBFs cheated on me, bec I don't value myself. I even felt bad about myself and starting to think everything was my fault. So whenever he start to ask about my past relationship I try to avoid the question or lie about it.

I didn't know he would ask the same question about my past and I told him different answer, so he caught me lying. and he said he can't trust me anymore he want out from the relationship. I tried to explain to him why I lied about my past relationship, it's bec. I want to avoid conflict with him especially regarding the things that has happaned before I met him, bec it's irrelevant to our relationship.

He tells me he loves me, and he knows that he won't find someone that will love him as much as i love him and understand him. But he think we need to break up, so I would beg him to stay and be strong. Have faith that we will work this out and win the battle. He would stay and after few hours or a day he would break up with me again.

Now, my BF wants to break up with me every other day. He tells me all kinds of reasons like:
1. he can't accept my past relationship, he prefers girls with less pass so it won't trigger his OCD.
2 he can't see his future with me becasue he think he is in the wrong relationship.
3 he think his not treating me well bec he think low value of me
4 he is afraid I might not be loyal if he marries me
5 he is afraid poeple will think less of me and judge me bec of my past relationship and he would feel hurt and embarrased.
6 he don't trust me bec i lied about my past relationship to avoid conflict
7 he also think we don't share the same values in life.

Despite of all of these hurting words, I'm still holding on because I know It's his ROCD not really him. but soemtimes I really hurt with his hurting words that I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know if holding on and trying understand him is the best for our relationship.

I changed alot for my BF, I try to avoid all the things that will cause conflict. He tells me he appreciate all the things I'm doing for him. He want to accept me and spend his life with me, but he said his been trying so hard but he just can't. He feels like his being tortured, he migh get heart attack, he can't sleep at night.

He would tell me he loves me, I'm his everything since he don't have much friends and he knows that he won't find someone that will love him as much as I love him and understand him, But he think we need to break up to save us from more pains. I would talk to him, sometimes beg him to stay and be strong, have faith that we can win the battle. He would stay and after few hours or a day he would break up with me again.

Am I fooling myself by telling it's ROCD and continue holding on or it's his real feeling? is leting go is the best option for the both of us? so he won't feel all thos anxiety anymore. I really love him and I really want to work things out with him but I don't want to continue his suffering...Should I hold on or let go?

hopefully I would hear some opinion from poeple that are suffering ROCD and who are in relationship with poeple with ROCD.

Last edited by pcrybaby; 08-01-2010 at 06:40 AM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-02-2010, 12:16 PM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 21
recovering HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pcrybaby View Post
Hello everyone,

I have been reading about ROCD for the past few months, finally I got the courage to post a question hoping to hear opinion from poeple with ROCD.

I have been dating my BF for 5Month. When I just met him, his cousin told me my bf has OCD but I didn't think it's a big deal so I just ignored it. Becasue I never knew there is such thing as ROCD. After 3 months of arguing about the past relationship. I started researching about OCD and found out about ROCD. I feel comfort from reading poeple forums and post.

I'm a very outgoing, friendly, social and straight forward person. In the beginning of our relationship, I was totally honest with him about my past relationship. Then I noticed he would argue with me about my past and ask for break ups. I was so frustrated bec I can't understand why my BF can't just let go of the past. He would even try to analyze my past relatiionship and tell me it was my fault why my XBFs cheated on me, bec I don't value myself. I even felt bad about myself and starting to think everything was my fault. So whenever he start to ask about my past relationship I try to avoid the question or lie about it.

I didn't know he would ask the same question about my past and I told him different answer, so he caught me lying. and he said he can't trust me anymore he want out from the relationship. I tried to explain to him why I lied about my past relationship, it's bec. I want to avoid conflict with him especially regarding the things that has happaned before I met him, bec it's irrelevant to our relationship.

He tells me he loves me, and he knows that he won't find someone that will love him as much as i love him and understand him. But he think we need to break up, so I would beg him to stay and be strong. Have faith that we will work this out and win the battle. He would stay and after few hours or a day he would break up with me again.

Now, my BF wants to break up with me every other day. He tells me all kinds of reasons like:
1. he can't accept my past relationship, he prefers girls with less pass so it won't trigger his OCD.
2 he can't see his future with me becasue he think he is in the wrong relationship.
3 he think his not treating me well bec he think low value of me
4 he is afraid I might not be loyal if he marries me
5 he is afraid poeple will think less of me and judge me bec of my past relationship and he would feel hurt and embarrased.
6 he don't trust me bec i lied about my past relationship to avoid conflict
7 he also think we don't share the same values in life.

Despite of all of these hurting words, I'm still holding on because I know It's his ROCD not really him. but soemtimes I really hurt with his hurting words that I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know if holding on and trying understand him is the best for our relationship.

I changed alot for my BF, I try to avoid all the things that will cause conflict. He tells me he appreciate all the things I'm doing for him. He want to accept me and spend his life with me, but he said his been trying so hard but he just can't. He feels like his being tortured, he migh get heart attack, he can't sleep at night.

He would tell me he loves me, I'm his everything since he don't have much friends and he knows that he won't find someone that will love him as much as I love him and understand him, But he think we need to break up to save us from more pains. I would talk to him, sometimes beg him to stay and be strong, have faith that we can win the battle. He would stay and after few hours or a day he would break up with me again.

Am I fooling myself by telling it's ROCD and continue holding on or it's his real feeling? is leting go is the best option for the both of us? so he won't feel all thos anxiety anymore. I really love him and I really want to work things out with him but I don't want to continue his suffering...Should I hold on or let go?

hopefully I would hear some opinion from poeple that are suffering ROCD and who are in relationship with poeple with ROCD.
Its so tough to know what the "right" decision is. I have been married to my husband for 11 years this month and I have wanted to leave him every month for our entire marriage. He is a flirt so I have always accused him of cheating and I find reasons to back up my thoughts. I can't see the difference between what is real and what is rocd. I think not answering a question might be better than lying about it because that definately backfires as you've experienced. I am learning to not ask questions and it helps us to not fight like we did but I still have the thoughts. I have just started a medication called zoloft and I'm hoping this will help. I wish I could tell you he will get better but he really has to want to and to see the difference between whats real and whats rocd. Maybe you could have him see a therapist who specializes in ocd? Good luck!

 
Old 08-02-2010, 05:14 PM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 339
Blog Entries: 13
00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

I also seem to have ROCD and have just started Zoloft 7 days ago, it still hasnt kicked in, but all I can say is that this is difficult on both ends, my bf struggles with me like on a week to week basis, I feel so terrible, but he knows how hard it is for me and how much I am trying to help myself and also that I'm on meds, I dont really want to leave my bf but I am constantly questioning his motives at every moment, it's extremely stressful, but i mean.. what can you do? i feel extremely aweful.

i'm also in therapy, I can't say that it's easy but I am going to say that your bf needs to recognize the problem and work on it with a T and possibly medication, I can probably tell you that he is suffering with this more than you are, it's like a day to day torment/stress.

should you let go or hold on? well, I dont know, it isn't an easy answer, I would say that if he breaks up with you, you cant really do anything but move on and maybe he will realize that he is making a mistake, but I think you need to have a good talk with him and figure out the issues and what he's worried about. People with ROCD are different, for example, Im always worried that my bf is rejecting me or simply doesn't want me and that scares me a lot, as a defence I am constantly looking for reassurance, it's exausting and I really want it to just stop

from what you're saying here it sounds like he just doesnt think he's the right fit for you or you're not the kind of girl he would like, maybe he is obssesing over your past relationships but if he can't accept them what can you do? you are who you are and there's nothing you can do to change what has already happened. Unless someone's past is like unethical or immoral, there's no sense in obssesing over it, he's with you now and you're with him, I guess part ROCD is obssesing about that but personally I dont because everyone has past relationships and they make mistake and learn and grow, there's is no sense in getting upset over that on a day to day basis, this is just my opinion.

Last edited by 00lady00; 08-02-2010 at 05:42 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2010, 09:23 AM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
pcrybaby HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by recovering View Post
I think not answering a question might be better than lying about it because that definately backfires as you've experienced. I am learning to not ask questions and it helps us to not fight like we did but I still have the thoughts. I have just started a medication called zoloft and I'm hoping this will help. I wish I could tell you he will get better but he really has to want to and to see the difference between whats real and whats rocd. Maybe you could have him see a therapist who specializes in ocd? Good luck!
I don't lie anymore, because I'm a bad liar. But sometime he wants me to admit i was lying even I never said such thing. I don't know what to do anymore, i know it's my fault I broke his trust on me. I always pray to God to help me. Sometime I get so frustrated I would even ask the taxi driver questions about relationship, but i know he couldnt give me the best advise bec he don't understand what's ROCD. I don't want to discuss this with my friends bec they will never understand my BF and i'm so afraid they will judge him and ask me to leave him.

I already told my BF to go see a therapist, but he don't want to. he said poeple will think his crazy. i don't know what else I can do for him...
i don't want to let go but I know letting go is saving both of us from pain. Im so torn apart.

Last edited by pcrybaby; 08-03-2010 at 09:25 AM.

 
Old 08-03-2010, 09:34 AM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
pcrybaby HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
I dont really want to leave my bf but I am constantly questioning his motives at every moment, it's extremely stressful, but i mean.. what can you do? i feel extremely aweful.

i'm also in therapy, I can't say that it's easy but I am going to say that your bf needs to recognize the problem and work on it with a T and possibly medication, I can probably tell you that he is suffering with this more than you are, it's like a day to day torment/stress.
+++++sometimes i do feel his pain, i want to just set him free so he wouldnt feel the pain, anxiety and stress. Am i being selfish for holding on, bec i love him so much?++++

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
from what you're saying here it sounds like he just doesnt think he's the right fit for you or you're not the kind of girl he would like, maybe he is obssesing over your past relationships but if he can't accept them what can you do? you are who you are and there's nothing you can do to change what has already happened. Unless someone's past is like unethical or immoral, there's no sense in obssesing over it, he's with you now and you're with him, I guess part ROCD is obssesing about that but personally I dont because everyone has past relationships and they make mistake and learn and grow, there's is no sense in getting upset over that on a day to day basis, this is just my opinion.
+++++ i can never change my past, i wasnt unethical nor immoral, i fall in love with wrong person. sometimes i think maybe its our conservative environment made him to think that my past is disgrace.

Im in so much pain, i hope everyting will be fine ++++

 
Old 08-03-2010, 10:14 AM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 339
Blog Entries: 13
00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

I don't think you're selfish at all, I think you've fallen in love with a difficult person to deal with. The problem here is that it seems he actually wants out of this relationship, what can you do? you can't hold him against his will, if he has given up, if anyone of you gives up it's over, but he is definitely foolish to think that he will be able to sustain any relationship with this kind of behavior. He is tormenting himself in circles and you as well, unless you're both going to try and work it out and he is in it 100%, it's just not going to work.

 
Old 08-03-2010, 03:09 PM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 21
recovering HB User
Re: HELP! I don't know holding on or letting go is the best for my ROCD BF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pcrybaby View Post
+++++sometimes i do feel his pain, i want to just set him free so he wouldnt feel the pain, anxiety and stress. Am i being selfish for holding on, bec i love him so much?++++



+++++ i can never change my past, i wasnt unethical nor immoral, i fall in love with wrong person. sometimes i think maybe its our conservative environment made him to think that my past is disgrace.

Im in so much pain, i hope everyting will be fine ++++
You mentioned that sometimes he is ok?
I knew that I would feel this way no matter who I was with (want to always leave him). Maybe when he's having one of his good days you can explain to him that he would most likely feel this way with anyone; but your here to help him through it and that you love him enough to help; this is an opportunity to have a good relationship and feel good about it. Maybe he could come on this forum and see that we're not crazy; but we struggle too and he's not alone. Also, maybe he can discreetly see a therapist, he shouldn't be embarrassed but its more important to get through this. People with rocd seem to live what we fear everyday and the only way to stop living in the fear is to face it. Good luck!!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Mother Is Mentally Ill-Won't Get Help-What Should I do? panthers78 Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 5 08-13-2007 12:55 PM
I need some help and advice and stories, please! WannaBeFreeToRoam Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 9 05-04-2006 09:42 AM
Any help for a Heavy Head? Toi Inner Ear Disorders 3 11-19-2004 08:21 AM
Need help with establishing "the rule" MoonGoddess672 Relationship Health 9 10-02-2004 01:28 PM
i have NO idea where to get any help/information equivocated Depression 7 06-11-2004 02:19 PM

Tags
ocd



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:45 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!