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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board


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Old 08-02-2010, 09:14 AM   #1
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What is wrong with me?

I am really not sure what is wrong with me, but I know it's not right. I came across ROCD, and the more I learn about it the more I wonder if its why I am, the way I am.

For over a year now I have been going back and forth in anguish thinking my relationship is wonderful and I am with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with to the complete opposite convincing myself that we aren't compatible. The negative thoughts are triggered when he doesn't do something the way I would do it (which is usually something I know isn't a big deal, but I don't know how to stop my brain from seeing it otherwise), and I immediately think he is careless and doesn't consider me or the relationship and he is just settling with me.

In addition to that many other obsessive thoughts triggered when I found out that he was addicted to porn. He was in denial about it for months, and then I was going to leave him because he was choosing it over me, it wasn't until then that he admitted that he had a problem, and he didn't want to lose me and has taken steps to beat his addiction and feel normal. Since then I have developed a new obsession with his attraction for me, and I never feel that my body will be good enough for his tastes because I know that he prefers bigger breasts. No matter how much attention he gives to mine, I constantly assume that he doesn't really like them. The horrible feelings get amplified when a woman with larger breasts walks by, or we are watching a movie or tv show. I am most embarrassed about these feelings. They make me feel immature stupid, but I don't know how to not have them, so I'm further upset.

For the longest time I attributed all of this to low self-esteem, and read books on the subject, eagerly trying to battle my own image of myself. I was always confused though, because when I would look in the mirror and get myself ready for work, I almost always would feel positively about my appearance. It isn't until I'm with my boyfriend that I begin to have all of this self doubt thinking that my boyfriend does not find me attractive. I also blame him for not being as verbal as I would like, so when I don't hear how pretty I look I think that he isn't appreciating me, and doesn't really love me. I feel ridiculous for even having these thoughts, they seem so juvenile, and I'm ashamed to even be admitting them here.

I feel like I am constantly at war with my brain, my heart, and my obsessive worrying thoughts. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I know I am slowly deteriorating my relationship. I share bits and pieces with my friends and they all tell me to stop worrying so much and just enjoy my relationship, because they all see how wonderful he treats me and how amazing we are together and they dont see why I can't see that. Why do I always forget all the nice sweet things he does for me? We argue over this and he tells me that I'm never happy no matter what he does and he feels powerless, and I make him feel worthless and taken for granted. He says that I'm constantly looking for ways to not be happy, and I dwell on every little thing. It's painful, because I know all of this is true.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. But I hate that it has come to this, I just want to feel happy and normal again.

 
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Old 08-06-2010, 06:08 PM   #2
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Hi

I'm in the same situation, making problems out of nothing. I'm finally giving in and trying medication, a long with my regular therapy, hopefully it helps. I am known to self savotage if everything is too "good", I dont know why, but it's the stress and fear that something is wrong and I just dont know about it. It's definitely OCD, it's terrible and puts me and my partner in terrible anguish. I hope you find the help you need.

good luck!

 
Old 08-07-2010, 03:57 AM   #3
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Re: What is wrong with me?

So you really think it's OCD?

Thank you for the response. It's comforting to know that there are others out there like me who are struggling just as much. Although I dislike that after all this time of blaming my partners for things, when all along a big portion was due to my brain. It makes me ashamed actually. I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend. I've been digging around for a therapist who has a specialty in OCD. I finally found a nice woman who deals with OCD, but also relationships and divorce counseling. I've just been playing phone tag, so hopefully I can go in and start treatment soon.

Again, thank you for the reply, I was beginning to feel like maybe I don't have OCD so no one wanted to comment. Or maybe my post was just too long.

 
Old 08-07-2010, 08:26 AM   #4
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Well, this sounds exactly like what I'm going through at the moment and I know that I have OCD or ROCD. So, I would say that yes, because we're obssesing about our thoughts and believe them to be so real that we panic and become very afraid, or at least that's what happens to me. I'm diagnosed with PTSD as well, but if I didn't have the OCD thoughts my PTSD wouldn't get triggered. I'm learning ways to deal with the fears and I've also started on medication, I really hope it helps.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-26-2011 at 11:55 AM.

 
Old 08-08-2010, 08:52 AM   #5
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Re: What is wrong with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
Well, this sounds exactly like what I'm going through at the moment and I know that I have OCD or ROCD. So, I would say that yes, because we're obssesing about our thoughts and believe them to be so real that we panic and become very afraid, or at least that's what happens to me. I'm diagnosed with PTSD as well, but if I didn't have the OCD thoughts my PTSD wouldn't get triggered. I'm learning ways to deal with the fears and I've also started on medication, I really hope it helps.
Yes, i definitely panic, and at its worst I have crying fits where I am shaking all over.

I really hope the medication will help you too. I know how difficult the PTSD can be. My ex-boyfriend suffered with PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I think that my roots of OCD began when I dated him, but I never realized it as being a problem because his issues were so large.

I am so happy I found this forum. When I have low moments I can log on here and feel some relief.

The same goes for you. If you need someone to talk to don't hesitate.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-26-2011 at 11:56 AM.

 
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