I can't tell anyone... - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

Struggling23 · 02-06-2003, 09:54 PM

I am a 23 year old female and I have done much research on OCD. I am sure that I have it. I was trying to find a name for what I have, but I have NEVER told anyone. From the time I was a little girl, I always checked things. I would make myself sick because I had to check my watch or jewelry or hair so many times a minute to make sure everything was in the right place. I made my face red and sore because I constantly rubbed it to make sure there weren't any pimples on it. I remember passing out one time over being so stressed when I was about 11. I was trying to make myself stop checking things and it made me sick not to do it. I eventually blacked out and my parents took me to the hospital. They couldn't find anything wrong, and I wouldn't tell them what happened. I also had irrational fears of having diseases or something. God I sound crazy. I still do lots of this stuff, but not to such a bad extent. It's still bad though. Everyday in my car I have to constantly look at my things to make sure they are in the right place (even though I don't know what the "right" place is, I guess i'm just making sure they are there). I make myself sick worrying that I have AIDS, even though I've only been with three guys and have used protection. I start thinking maybe I got it from getting my ears pierced, and I lay here in bed miserable because I worry about having it, although I know it would be almost impossible. I don't know why I'm writing all of this. Just to vent I guess. I've never been able to talk to anyone. If someone would like to share stories and support please let me know!

Struggling23 · 02-07-2003, 12:18 AM

I was just thinking of other weird things I did when I was little. When I was 6 or 7 I went through a long period where I thought someone was trying to poison me. Nobody in particular, just someone. I refused to eat fast food or anything that I did not watch my mother take out of the package and cook. I also used to count things. I would be watching tv and I would think I'd have to count all of a certain object (ex. windows) before the picture went away or something bad would happen. I counted all kinds of things. I also used to have thoughts that I couldn't get rid of when I was little. For instance, I am a Christian but the thought "I hate God" would pop into my head. I would be so upset and know that I didn't mean it, but I knew I wasn't supposed to think it so I did. There were lots of other little things, but those were the main ones. One of the big things that has stuck with me that I still do is make lists. I make lists everyday about everything I have to do, even if it's something I do everyday, like shower and feed my dog.

arebe · 02-07-2003, 03:09 PM

It's good that you're finally getting this out in the open. What you've described sounds like what would be considered OCD, but I'm definitely not an expert. I used to have little quirks like you've described, but most of them have dissapeared or just changed into something else. I used to brush my teeth for like 20 minutes, all my friends made fun of me for it but I didn't care, I wanted clean teeth! I was always extremely paranoid about getting sick (not anymore though), whenever I found out that one of my friends had been sick or whatever i would put my shirt over my nose and mouth so I wouldn't contract anything. Then there were all those times when I thought I had this disease or that disease, HIV being one of them. I finally got tested for HIV when i was sick with a bad stomach virus and tested negative, I stressed so much while waiting for the results to come in. Yeah, I'm going through some sh*t right now (see my post), it's nice to know that these boards exist and that we can all talk about these things and try and help each other. And hey, if you realize that you're crazy then you can't be that crazy. know what I'm saying.

OrangeJane · 02-08-2003, 04:16 PM

Hello,

I have also experienced much of what you described, and still do many of these things. I finally have met a good friend that has OCD and she is a list-maker as well. It is not unusual to keep these obsessions and compulsions a secret, unless it is a physical one that just cannot be concealed (though it can be easy to keep the true cause of the problem a secret). But this is why many doctors and family members do not realize what you are doing. Some things can be brushed off as "quarks" while other things are never discovered until you confide with someone about it. I definately recommend speaking to your doctor about it, or a professional that has knowledge of OCD, just to make sure that this is what you have. But it does sound like OCD to me. Have you told anyone (family, friends) about this? It can be very difficult to talk about, but it can help too. Sometimes people just don't understand or feel upset that you kept it a secret for so long. So it is your own personal choice to say anything or not. Good luck with everything.